Ackward Conversations, Avoiding Wedding Drama

One of the greatest things about being the daughter of a marriage and family therapist (who also TEACHES the subject at a university) is I've been given many tools in my life toolbox-of-ackward-conversations.

This tip works for weddings, business, friends, for vendors. The big word is "contextualizing" and what that means is instead of simply blurting out your stress, worry, or trying to figure out how to bring up something ackward, CONTEXTUALIZE it and you'll immediately be able to talk more calmly, feel less stupid, and avoid a lot of potential drama now and in the future.

So let's say you have chosen your wedding party but realize you have no idea what their role really is, or you're at the point where Ackwardness Begins, because you don't really want to burden them, or you have started to get push back from them and are feeling hurt! (They never have time for dress shopping, show no interest in searching for vendors, etc.)

A sample dialogue, ideally in person or on the phone may go as follows:

"Hey guys, I wanted to get together this coming week if we can arrange our schedules. I have been reading about all the wedding drama around wedding parties, and I want to avoid all that if I can so you guys don't resent me or I don't go bridezilla on you without knowing it."

You get together, and it could go something like this:

"Thanks for getting together! I'm sooooo excited that you guys are going to be in my wedding! In all my excitement I realize I never figured out what a wedding party is supposed to do, or what you guys even WANT to do. So, I thought I'd lay out a few traditional things and tell you what I'm feeling and get your feedback. I want this to be exciting and fun, not something you guys dread. I hope by being honest, you guys will be too so we can keep this fun but real... no pretending to be happy when we're miserable."

Then it's your turn to have researched what *YOU* hope, what you expect, and to be open, but vulnerable with them so they can be open and vulnerable with you. For example, "I really want you guys to go dress shopping with me, but I know it may not be that fun for you, or you are so busy the next month and I want to get this done soon. So, if you're able to squeeze in some time, I'd love it, but I also understand if you're busy and can find some other friends who may want to help out... what do you guys think? Is the dress shopping something you'd like to join me in or maybe you'd rather help with something later?"

The key is to not open the guilt trip, but get their HONEST answer! I feel so much pain for brides when their bridesmaids agree to go dress shopping and either cancel at the last minute, or just NO-SHOW! It's so much unnecessary pain if you had just found out your friends were so extremely stressed with work and have no real interest in the dress... then you could make other plans, or at least not personalize their lack of interest as being "anti-you"...

Don't take ANYTHING for granted... always "contextualize" your conversations so they are depersonalized and open up some honest discussions. A bad example would be to announce your dress plans, then be hurt they can't make it. Or to have them agree because you don't give them room to say they can't/don't want to, then get super hurt when they cancel or no-show. There could be a thousand other things going on that have nothing to do with you, and wouldn't you rather be honest and find people who honestly are excited for the dress even if they aren't in the wedding party?

Chosing a wedding dress

One of the earliest things most brides do after getting engaged, is to start shopping for a wedding dress. This is one of the most exciting, girliest moments for a bride who will eventually get stuck chosing between a million choices of paper for invitations, flavors for cake, flowers, finding all the important vendors. Wedding dresses are one of the rare wedding tasks where you have a tactile experience, an extremely personalized experience (your very unique body on different dresses), and you ultimately have full control. Most other things you lose some control to "packages", or rules about number of invitations you have to buy (often in groups of 25), etc.

There are many elements that go into wedding dress shopping and sometimes they only strike a bride in the moment. Here are some common experiences!

• Chosing the WRONG people to shop with you. Whether it's friends who show impatience and want to leave, or no-show for the shopping day, or friends whose style is very different from you. It could also be your mom who wants a very conservative look and you want a more strapless, sensual look.
• Chosing the wrong wedding dress shop. Hopefully you have different options in your area and if you do, it's very likely you'll feel more comfortable in some over others. Some dress shops are very high end, where a purse would be the same cost as your entire wedding dress budget. You may also enter some stores and the sales staff is too young, or old, stuffy, or pushy. The dresses may be too busy, too simple, the lighting and dressing rooms may not be very well designed, or the store may be so busy you feel rushed and stressed out.
• Your vision vs reality. Most of us have no real idea what style dress would look best on us. I remember trying on a very nice dress in a 1930's style. Apparently everyone in the store gasped and told my mom how the dress was meant for my body. Meanwhile another bride was trying on the same dress and her friends were trying to not gasp, in a "that is NOT for you" way.
• Your body shape is not likely the model body shape. Whether you are so annoyed at your large, or small breasts, big hips, or no hips (if you want the curvy look), wedding dresses can be an infuriating experience! You want to look like A BRIDE, however you imagine that "look."
• Indecision, insecurity, exhaustion. If you aren't confident after trying on a lot of dresses, you may start questioning if you're too picky, if you need to look at higher-end dresses, if you want to lose a lot of weight, or maybe you realize you need to bring other people to help you out. Some brides completely exhaust their friends. I know of a bridesmaid who was yelled at by the bride for not going on a THIRD weekend long out of town trip to dress shop. The bridesmaid didn't have the money and did not think it necessary to leave, for a third time, because the bride was indecisive.

Don't forget with all of the stuff that happens, you also want to make sure you're clear with the dress style and location of your ceremony and reception. You also want to make sure you and your fiance have agreed on the general look so if he is like my brother, who WANTED to wear a tux (that was part of his vision of being a groom), that your dress is not so casual you look imbalanced. Similarly a very glittery, fancy wedding dress should probably not be paired with kahki pants and a casual shirt.

Good luck! And for more help on all the interpersonal dynamics that happen at EVERY SINGLE turn in wedding planning, our book has increased confidence of countless engaged couples. It's called Take Back Your Wedding and is available on Amazon or our website.

Too many choices?

I went to the Twin Cities Bridal Fair today, one of the largest fairs in the nation. I love going to see who is there, see the sights, etc.

I know that the magazines and online wedding directories can be overwhelming (theknot.com can easily have 20 pages of photographers, with about 10 per page....) So the question I ask myself is HOW DO YOU DECIDE? So I'll write something up on the website soon, outside blog format, but if you have ideas, let me know... how should someone try to figure out who to select??

Best Mints

I just got a sample box of Old Schoolhouse Candy Factory. Before I wax poetic, let me say I'm a mint obsessed crazy lady. I have ruined most purses because I love Junior Mints at movies, never finish the box, and well... yeah. Junior Mint goop is not easy to clean.

My favorite flavor is mint. I even have a "life rule" that if I ever run across a new mint in a store, I can buy it. I'm otherwise frugal in life - always looking for deals, having to justify splurges, but MINT is that important to me. It makes me that happy.

So on Twitter, a very nice business started following me, and that lead to this amazing box sent to me. How can I even begin to describe them? They're Old School, which means you don't have some bland chocolate over medicore, should-be-gooey-but-is-hardish mint core. Or it's not a solid chocolate mint. It's not a hard candy mint, either. It's completely unique and unbelievably amazing. It's got a soft but stable outside, with a gooey but not liquid core. It's just the right texture. I had one an hour ago and I have what everyone who chews mint gum craves - that very slight mint taste in your mouth that lasts hours. From JUST ONE!!! I just had another and it's as good as the first... and now I have to hold back eating the whole box. :-)

So if you are looking for a distinctive mint favor, something your guests will likely never have experienced, something that even ONE MINT is plenty... well, you should really get a sample box of this mint! I now have my Christmas and Birthday wish list... forget the Junior Mints!

Weddings should NOT promote non-marriage or emigration!

All this stuff just frustrates me to no end... Here we are in Somalia with the same issues faced around the planet... couples making drastic choices (never marrying, waiting YEARS without all the benefits and legal protections given to married couples, or in this case, leaving the country.)

HARGEISA, Somalia (Reuters) - Twenty-one couples have shared a joint wedding in Somalia, where the traditional lavish celebrations are increasingly unaffordable at a time of economic slump.
The function was held on Tuesday at a hotel in Hargeisa, capital of Somalia's breakaway region of Somaliland, and was arranged by Telsom, a telecoms company that employs all the bridegrooms.
The Horn of Africa region is staunchly Muslim, so the men and women celebrated separately.
The expense of a traditional wedding, especially when economic times are hard, is driving some young Somalis to leave their homeland.
"One of the reasons why the youth migrate is weddings are expensive, and I appeal to the community to simplify marriage by reducing the cost," Sheikh Mohamed Sheikh Omar Dirir, one of the area's most prominent religious leaders, told guests.
(Reporting by Husein Ali Nur; Writing by Daniel Wallis; Editing by Phakamisa Ndzamela)

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE52A47G20090311?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69

Wedding Trends for 2009

Here is a short list of expected trends for 2009 from The Wedding Report which says the average wedding will be between $21,000-$25,000. The wedding budgets for 2009 have dropped and here is where the "drop" will be seen:

• Smaller weddings with fewer guests
• Destination weddings or destination type weddings closer to home
• Accent colors on dresses and cakes with the most popular being greens and blues
• Increased reliance on family and friends to help plan, pay, and provide some of the services
• Increased use of green and echo friendly products and services
• Simplified decorations, centerpieces and wedding invitations
• Increased use of on-line RSVP's vs. traditional mail-in RSVPs
• Off-peak weddings; Mornings, Afternoons, Fridays, Sundays, October becomes the new June
• Buffet meals, Hors d'oeuvre, and cocktail receptions
• Cheesecakes, cupcakes and miniature cakes
• All-inclusive packages