Amazing relationship technique

This is a technique used by many marriage counselors and by folks who have what I call a "high emotional intelligence." Many of us use this technique in a work setting without realizing it and without translating the skill to our personal life.

It goes like this:

Bride: "YOU DIDN'T CALL THE LIMO COMPANY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? We're a MONTH away from the wedding and I asked you to do this 11 MONTHS AGO?"

Let's process the reaction they're going to get. The groom is going to be extremely defensive, right? He's also likely to be pissed that he's getting yelled at. However he responses with those emotions varies from guy to guy. Some guys are going to just walk out the door. Some guys will get defensive, attack the bride back, or try to ignore the tension completely. She's going to take her current state of emotions and they'll jump 100x more forceful in response to his reaction.


Now let's think through our brides emotions, and simply shift our word choice, and our tone. Instead of freaking out about HIM and what HE DIDN'T DO, let's focus on the only thing she can honestly talk about: her feelings.

What is she feeling? Probably scared there will be no limos left for her wedding day. Vulnerable to the fact that she can't control everything. Frustrated and feeling distrustful that when her groom agreed to do something, he didn't. That leads to feeling helpless. If he can't even do something he agreed to, then she's really got to take over and that makes her feel sad and powerless.

Notice all those are about HER, not him? So let's change the conversation around.

"We don't have a limo? Oh my gosh. That makes me so scared there won't be any left. I'm feeling so helpless right now that I get a promise from you and it didn't happen. I need to you know that I'm SERIOUSLY FREAKING OUT NOW and feeling let down that you promised and didn't follow through."

Then STOP. That is the magic. Express yourself. Then STOP. Wait for his response. Don't keep the verbal diarhea going.

Now he's going to respond to your VULNERABILITY. He's going to hear you're scared, you're feeling let down, you're feeling helpess. This gives him an opening to express his vulnerability. He probably feels like a total jerk. He probably feels like a loser for forgetting or procrastinating. He might also be extremely frustrated that he had no idea limos book up and that he was supposed to do this months ago. And he might also now feel COMPLETELY HELPLESS on what to do and how to manage your emotions, plus his.

Once you hear his side, you've all put your eggs on the table and can work together, as a team, to figure out where to put your emotions and how to get the limo fixed. And hopefully in the process you've realized by never attacking, even if it's extremely tempting, you are guarenteed to get better results.

If you have tried this, or find you have the same fights over and over, reward yourself with some premarital counseling (or marriage therapy). We have fantastic counselors all over the nation that love to help strenthen the bond between two commited individuals. We also have books and an online inventory to help you two lay out your strengths and areas of growth opportunity. See our premarital counseling page.

The Last Name Change Dilemma

I have been mulling over, and finally wrote about the name change issue brides face. It's a "hot topic" because you can't say anything without offending someone. But underneath the various reasons people do, or don't, change their name, is the recognition that it isn't easy. Whether you chose to keep your own name and your inlaws refuse to acknowledge it, writing to you as "Mrs. Aaron Smith" instead of Jennifer Petra, or your feminist girlfriends are horrified that you've been taken over by a man, if you chose to change your last name, rarely do we find someone who isn't surprised at our decision.

What we at The First Dance care deeply about is the conversations that take place, first between bride and groom. Mutually listening to each persons vantagepoint, coming to a solid decision, both agreeing on that decision, and then holding firm, defending the choice against people who might have negative opinions. In the situation above, the groom, if he knows his parents are going to be wigged out by his bride not changing her name, must have a sit down conversation with his parents and get them to understand this is their decision as a couple and whether they like it or not, this is the way it is. It is not fair for a bride to have to navigate conflictual waters with her in-laws. Nor is it fair for her to be offended every time they address her with a wrong last name only to have her groom shrug and say, "why are you making such a big deal of it?" It is a big deal and he's got to take action.

As you'll read in the article, I felt strongly about changing my last name, but I also loved my maiden name. I know few friends who haven't had the emotiona struggles, even if they were as confident as I was in what I was going to do.

Keeping the Romance Alive while Wedding Planning

We have a romance expert to share some of her thoughts on romance, particularly during wedding planning season. It's such a tough balance, between jobs, errands, life, trying to still date, and then spending many hours getting details in order for the big day.

One thing that often surprises couples is how the wedding starts to take a toil on their relationship. Before being engaged, a date was just about the two of you. After being engaged, the date may come with sticky conversations about difficult parents, or jealous siblings, or a mismatch in expectations for the wedding. The relationship is in the adolescent phase. You're not married yet, but you're not just single. It's a tricky situation to be in, no matter how long you've been together.

I can say, a few years into marriage with two kids, those dates you have will stick in your memory, even if you have less time to do them. There were many times my husband and I would walk around the local lakes, only for my low blood pressure to cause me problems and we'd have to find a bench. Annoying at the time, but pretty funny how we could never quite manage to walk all the way around a lake without a pause. It became part of the expectation of those dates, which were sometimes quite stressful as we tried to talk through the Stuff of Married Life. But they were important conversations and we moved forward in our relationship because of them. (For more conversations, we have an amazing self-guided premarital counseling book designed for date/conversations. Check it out.)

Those little moments of life are always grander than the big plans. Hopefully your wedding is amazing, but it is just one day of many, many romantic days you should plan for! If you haven't yet set your honeymoon plans, check out our interactive guide to get the two of you on the same page for what exactly you want from the honeymoon (and we don't just mean THAT....)

Enjoy our great questions and answers on romance during wedding planning from a romance expert! May her wisdom instill the passion in you to keep your love alive.

Wedding Invitations, the Stress, Fun, and Keepsake

Wedding invitations. You go into your wedding plans either knowing what you want, not having a clue, or thinking you know what you want and end up somewhere totally different.

I went into my wedding not wanting to waste money on invitations. It wasn't a high priority, and we were just fine printing them off ourselves, thank you very much. But, as always seems to happen, while flipping through a wedding magazine I happened upon a full page ad for wedding invites. I don't think I gasped, but I almost did. I stared. And stared. And became entranced. These were nothing like I'd seen before! I loved the color! I loved the font! I loved the extremely simple yet very, very classy design. I went to the website of the designer, found two retail stores in my entire state, and decided to make a trip to visit them "in person."

I was so innocent as the sales lady gave me the price. I can't remember the exact number, but I believe it would have been about $4,000 for 150 invitations. This was almost half of my ENTIRE BUDGET! I asked if it anything could make them cheaper. Nope. The entire invite was a designer who trademarked the whole thing. It was that or nothing.

But the seed had been planted. I could no longer go from that invitation to plain white invites printed off the computer. I asked the sales lady for other unique invitations and she gave me a few books. Nope, nope, nope, nope, flipping page after page after page. But then I stumbled upon a FABULOUS invitation! Yes, this was it. Unique, funky, but not too weird. Just the right balance of zip and class.

My husband came with me another time and he agreed they were fabulous, especially after looking at the same books and seeing what was out there. We proceeded to "stalk" our invitations, stopping by several times on date nights, just to see how pretty they were.

They were more expensive than we had originally planned, but we came to see how vital they were to setting the tone and mood of the wedding. In fact we got a TON of compliments and we even had guests of his mom call HER to say how great the invitations were.

I've asked some great, unique wedding invitation questions of a wedding invitation designer. Check it out and I hope you get inspired!

Writing Thank You Notes

I was just inspired to share tips on how to write thank you notes! It's not about the etiquette but how to feel GOOD about your wedding thank you notes. You may still dread doing them, but hopefully your writers block will be lessed.

I'm still both happy, intrigued, and a little embarassed that both my mom and my mother-in-law were CALLED on the phone by their friends who shared how much they enjoyed my thank you notes. One woman even shared my note with my mother-in-law, she was that impressed.

I'm not positive what I did differently than others, but the article will hopefully give you some perspective on what went on in my head. I write for cash gifts, thank yous from gifts you registered for, gifts from strangers (friends of parents), and gifts you hate!

http://www.thefirstdance.com/weddingthankyounotes.php

Marriage planner or Wedding Planner?

We at The First Dance love what we do!

One fun challenge we have is convincing marriage educators that the wedding is NOT a distraction in a relationship but is the single BEST OPPORTUNITY for couples to begin hashing out the issues they're having around money, budget, general "project management" as a team (if it's not the wedding it'll be home buying or remodeling, trip planning, etc), family, in-laws, how they balance their relationship with the competing demands of wedding planning (later will be demands on just LIFE, jobs, family, etc.) People in the "marriage world" see weddings as an extremely materialistic distraction and often bemoan "if couples only spent 1/10th the time on their relationship as they do on the wedding........" It's fine to complain but if you're in your 50's, planned a simple cake and punch wedding 25 years ago, it might be hard to relate to the wedding culture today!

Wedding coordinators and event planners see first hand how wedding planning can get a little out of control. The worst situations are when these professionals just know the couple is not going to make it... they have "divorce" written all over them. It's hard to help people plan a wedding when you don't even know why or how they're going to be married! It can also be hard to love your profession, service, or product, and watch a bride (or her family) go off the deep end. You can't just say, "seriously, it's _JUST_ a cake woman, calm down!" because, well, as a cake baker you just can't!

So here's our story!

When I got engaged, as the daughter of a marriage and family therapist, I was DETERMINED to have an "intentional engagement" and not let the wedding take over. I was arrogant about the wedding industry and the experiences that some people seem to go through while planning their wedding.

Then time passed. Checklists grew. Wedding magazines piled up. And I knew.... I got it.

Comparing wedding planning to marriage planning is a bit like telling a pregnant woman to STOP WASTING TIME OR ENERGY on her pregnancy and delivery (because after all, that is just a blip of time.) It would be instead trying to tell her to focus on her PARENTING SKILLS and child development research. Now anyone who has had a child knows that is total crap! The biggest issue you face is all the pregnancy drama and the fear of having this baby! I remember HAVING my firstborn, as a tiny baby, and reading the parenting magazines getting super stressed out at all the issues parents of 4 year old's face. Or trying to comprehend HOW my tiny 8 pound baby was going to be doing all those things some day and absorbing the advice that had no relevance to me at the time. (I quickly realized I just had to ignore those entire sections, knowing when my kid became that age, the magazine would be more relevant.)

The wedding is THE event, just like the pregnancy and delivery is THE EVENT. The pressures you face are not about how much you love your fiance, but how you're going to juggle the demands of everyone in the family, get the budget figured out, buy, order, meet with vendors, and pull off an event bigger than you've EVER planned and likely EVER WILL AGAIN! The "event" you already succeeded at was FINDING, DATING, FALLING IN LOVE, and getting engaged to your partner.

But you know what's exciting about wedding planning? It's actually a wonderful "crash course" in your married life. Has your mom gone over the edge? Guess what, she might do that again if you chose to have children some day! Are your friends raging with jealousy and acting very odd? They may do that again and again if you get a bigger house than them, or have kids when they want kids, etc. Are you and your fiance fighting about a friend you hate and he loves to hang out with? Think BIGGER than the wedding guest list.... think about how much control you can or should have over your loved ones social life as a married couple.

The goal on our website is to help navigate the relationships but to also "translate" wedding speak into marriage speak. Our photography page, for example, helps you think about wedding photography as it relates to your marriage and future. How does the wedding party relate to your marriage? We write about that too in What your Wedding Party can Teach You About Marriage. And of course, we started the series with what wedding planning can teach you about marriage. We have more on the guest list, are writing more every day.

Check back soon to The First Dance!

Top Ways People CREATE Wedding Stress

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

Read the rest at The First Dance!

Ackward Conversations, Avoiding Wedding Drama

One of the greatest things about being the daughter of a marriage and family therapist (who also TEACHES the subject at a university) is I've been given many tools in my life toolbox-of-ackward-conversations.

This tip works for weddings, business, friends, for vendors. The big word is "contextualizing" and what that means is instead of simply blurting out your stress, worry, or trying to figure out how to bring up something ackward, CONTEXTUALIZE it and you'll immediately be able to talk more calmly, feel less stupid, and avoid a lot of potential drama now and in the future.

So let's say you have chosen your wedding party but realize you have no idea what their role really is, or you're at the point where Ackwardness Begins, because you don't really want to burden them, or you have started to get push back from them and are feeling hurt! (They never have time for dress shopping, show no interest in searching for vendors, etc.)

A sample dialogue, ideally in person or on the phone may go as follows:

"Hey guys, I wanted to get together this coming week if we can arrange our schedules. I have been reading about all the wedding drama around wedding parties, and I want to avoid all that if I can so you guys don't resent me or I don't go bridezilla on you without knowing it."

You get together, and it could go something like this:

"Thanks for getting together! I'm sooooo excited that you guys are going to be in my wedding! In all my excitement I realize I never figured out what a wedding party is supposed to do, or what you guys even WANT to do. So, I thought I'd lay out a few traditional things and tell you what I'm feeling and get your feedback. I want this to be exciting and fun, not something you guys dread. I hope by being honest, you guys will be too so we can keep this fun but real... no pretending to be happy when we're miserable."

Then it's your turn to have researched what *YOU* hope, what you expect, and to be open, but vulnerable with them so they can be open and vulnerable with you. For example, "I really want you guys to go dress shopping with me, but I know it may not be that fun for you, or you are so busy the next month and I want to get this done soon. So, if you're able to squeeze in some time, I'd love it, but I also understand if you're busy and can find some other friends who may want to help out... what do you guys think? Is the dress shopping something you'd like to join me in or maybe you'd rather help with something later?"

The key is to not open the guilt trip, but get their HONEST answer! I feel so much pain for brides when their bridesmaids agree to go dress shopping and either cancel at the last minute, or just NO-SHOW! It's so much unnecessary pain if you had just found out your friends were so extremely stressed with work and have no real interest in the dress... then you could make other plans, or at least not personalize their lack of interest as being "anti-you"...

Don't take ANYTHING for granted... always "contextualize" your conversations so they are depersonalized and open up some honest discussions. A bad example would be to announce your dress plans, then be hurt they can't make it. Or to have them agree because you don't give them room to say they can't/don't want to, then get super hurt when they cancel or no-show. There could be a thousand other things going on that have nothing to do with you, and wouldn't you rather be honest and find people who honestly are excited for the dress even if they aren't in the wedding party?

Chosing a wedding dress

One of the earliest things most brides do after getting engaged, is to start shopping for a wedding dress. This is one of the most exciting, girliest moments for a bride who will eventually get stuck chosing between a million choices of paper for invitations, flavors for cake, flowers, finding all the important vendors. Wedding dresses are one of the rare wedding tasks where you have a tactile experience, an extremely personalized experience (your very unique body on different dresses), and you ultimately have full control. Most other things you lose some control to "packages", or rules about number of invitations you have to buy (often in groups of 25), etc.

There are many elements that go into wedding dress shopping and sometimes they only strike a bride in the moment. Here are some common experiences!

• Chosing the WRONG people to shop with you. Whether it's friends who show impatience and want to leave, or no-show for the shopping day, or friends whose style is very different from you. It could also be your mom who wants a very conservative look and you want a more strapless, sensual look.
• Chosing the wrong wedding dress shop. Hopefully you have different options in your area and if you do, it's very likely you'll feel more comfortable in some over others. Some dress shops are very high end, where a purse would be the same cost as your entire wedding dress budget. You may also enter some stores and the sales staff is too young, or old, stuffy, or pushy. The dresses may be too busy, too simple, the lighting and dressing rooms may not be very well designed, or the store may be so busy you feel rushed and stressed out.
• Your vision vs reality. Most of us have no real idea what style dress would look best on us. I remember trying on a very nice dress in a 1930's style. Apparently everyone in the store gasped and told my mom how the dress was meant for my body. Meanwhile another bride was trying on the same dress and her friends were trying to not gasp, in a "that is NOT for you" way.
• Your body shape is not likely the model body shape. Whether you are so annoyed at your large, or small breasts, big hips, or no hips (if you want the curvy look), wedding dresses can be an infuriating experience! You want to look like A BRIDE, however you imagine that "look."
• Indecision, insecurity, exhaustion. If you aren't confident after trying on a lot of dresses, you may start questioning if you're too picky, if you need to look at higher-end dresses, if you want to lose a lot of weight, or maybe you realize you need to bring other people to help you out. Some brides completely exhaust their friends. I know of a bridesmaid who was yelled at by the bride for not going on a THIRD weekend long out of town trip to dress shop. The bridesmaid didn't have the money and did not think it necessary to leave, for a third time, because the bride was indecisive.

Don't forget with all of the stuff that happens, you also want to make sure you're clear with the dress style and location of your ceremony and reception. You also want to make sure you and your fiance have agreed on the general look so if he is like my brother, who WANTED to wear a tux (that was part of his vision of being a groom), that your dress is not so casual you look imbalanced. Similarly a very glittery, fancy wedding dress should probably not be paired with kahki pants and a casual shirt.

Good luck! And for more help on all the interpersonal dynamics that happen at EVERY SINGLE turn in wedding planning, our book has increased confidence of countless engaged couples. It's called Take Back Your Wedding and is available on Amazon or our website.

Newly Engaged

I am excited today with the prospect of all the men (and women) out there ready to propose tonight or tomorrow. Christmas is the biggest day for engagements in the year, followed by Valentines day.

It makes sense to start the engagement surrounded by family, as you enter a new family clan and can reap the warmth of congratulations in person!

So to all the soon to be engaged, CONGRATULATIONS! We have a ton of helpful advice on our wedding relationship website.

Bad Wedding Advice

One reason The First Dance exists is because of the horrible wedding advice out there. If the advice were good, I would have never gone to my marriage counselor father to ask his opinion on the wedding wisdom out there. I would have never thought about all the issues couples face and how the advice in bridal land is often so pathetic! It is either not helpful or actually damaging.

So I will be flushing out more of what this "bad advice" is soon but here are two very common examples of bad advice:

1 - If your parents are bitterly divorced and never or rarely talk with each other, and you are worried about this for your wedding, they are NOT going to "behave" or "get along" if you simploy ask them or "remind them" this is "your big day." The reality is if they are capable of getting along and behaving well, they would have done so for holidays, for your birthdays, graduations, etc. This advice to "sit your parents down and explain this is your big day and you want them to get along" sounds nice but is just not the way the world operates! It can also lead to the false sense of control that you, the bride or groom, really have over others. And it can offend your parents who believe they ARE well behaved and offended you think so little of them.

2 - If your bridesmaid or maid of honor is being difficult, say, procrastinating or not getting back to you, the bad advice out there revolves around the trickiness of maintaining some sense of control while acknowledging the person can't BE controlled. There are ways to deal with someone that give you control back without giving them all the power over your plans and emotions. Wedding bridal party wisdom is flushed out in our book and website and you can read two chapters of our book, Take Back Your Wedding.

Top ways to increase your wedding planning stress

Wondering how to make wedding planning more stressful? There is plenty (including on our wedding relationships website) on how to REDUCE the stress but there isn't a lot on how to INCREASE it! Send this snarky blog to your friends in wedding land.

Here is a short sampling of ways you can ensure more wedding stress, fights, and strained relationships throughout your wedding planning adventures.

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

#7 - Pick your wedding party really quickly, without any thought to their personality, to their life phase right now, or to their financial and job situation. It's also a great idea to not ask what your in-laws expect out of family being in the wedding party to maximum full family drama and stress

#6 - If a loved one disagrees with you, complain loudly that this is YOUR day and then complain loudly and frequently to everyone who will listen. It's best to give maximum mental and emotional energy to every tiny disagreement, even if it really doesn't matter to you if the other person wants something more than you

#5 - Be sure to hold back all your stress until you finally go on a date night with your spouse-to-be. Wait til the dinner is served and then rip into your family, your future-inlaws, and make the entire date turn into a huge wedding stress vent

#4 - Make sure you don't talk with your spouse-to-be before meeting with vendors to clarify what your values, wants and needs are so you get pulled into their sales pitch and agree to the most expensive package they offer. Who needs a wedding budget??

#3 - Use "I" statements with difficult people. They'll love being called a brat, impossible, insensitive, or rude, as long as you say "I feel you are a brat"

#2 - Be sure, brides, to encourage your fiance to share his wedding opinions but then be sure to shut him down or complain about how incompetent he is, or how much he's procrastinating, or how he just "doesn't understand weddings"

#1 - Make sure this wedding is ALL ABOUT YOU, even if it means creating family cut-offs, screaming at your in-laws, ruining your relationship with your spouse-to-be, or threatening your parents or in-laws that they will never get to see their future grandchildren