Justifying a wedding (financially)

One of my passions is to "defend" a wedding against attacks of superficiality, materialism, or over-consumption. Why? Because I believe RITUALS are extremely powerful and we have almost none in America. A prom is probably the first ritual (or debutant ball if you're in the south.) High school and college graduations are rituals, and funerals are rituals. But notice most are very public for a mass of people, and then one is a last-minute, sad event where someone has to DIE for the event to happen.

So here we sit, my husband and I. We're on a new, slow ramp to more financial freedom after taking massive pay cuts to switch careers (more soul-fulfilling but not so good at bill-paying!) We're going to acquire a small pot of money from an estate sale and the question is what to do with the money.

Sometimes this is when your parents agree to put a chunk into your wedding. Or perhaps you're considering taking on a second job, or consulting gig, or dipping into savings, to help bring in more cash for your big day. No matter the situation, it is a very vulnerable thing to put a lot of money into ONE day, particularly when it's not a single object with great financial loan options (like with cars or homes.) In our situation, we're considering remodeling our basement (doing all the labor ourselves, which will save a lot of money.)

Some of the emotion is inside your head. "A basement remodel?" It sounds so silly compared to what we could spend our money on. We could all go to the dentist (no dental insurance), we could upgrade my car (small sedan and our tall kids legs are up against the front seats), on and on. But we spend 90% of our non-kid time (evenings and naptimes) in the basement and it would greatly improve not just our daily lives but our home value and family life as the kids get older.

In the case of a wedding, you hear all the comments. Flowers die in a day. The dress can only be worn once. Guests don't use the favors. A cake is eaten and gone. You're only in the limo for a short time.

On the flip side, every vendor has a sale pitch to counter any negative thoughts. Flowers/music/food set the entire TONE of the day. The dress is an icon of a wedding and can be passed on for generations. The music is what makes the experience enjoyable for guests.

Money. Such a frustrating, fascinating topic. We all have our patterns of how we spend or save, and we all have opinions on how OTHERS should spend or save! This is one reason we're happy to sell our Money Habitudes card game - a fantastic way to quickly, easily, and without feeling bad (or overly proud), figure out your own money motivations as well as your partners. Check it out and maybe get your friends to do the game, or your parents. I was surprised to learn how much money represents security and safety to me, because I'm sort of frugal, but not to the point of overly spending time on bargain hunting, or "DIY projects." Growing up babysitting, I was able to afford spending a summer in Europe on my $2/hour babysitting jobs, which just sat in the bank account!

How have YOU justified the money or are you having issues defending your decisions? Do comment!

How Ikea is like Wedding Planning

My husband, a marriage therapist, just opened a new office. This has meant a lot of trips to Ikea, a lot of shopping for things we haven't purchased ever, or in a long time. And it means figuring out the style you want, how much we are willing to spend for that style, and the needs of the couples who go to him for counseling. It also means figuring out how to pay for all the new furniture.

For those who have an Ikea near them, you know it's a great place to get very affordable furniture, textiles, and miscellaneous decorative items like mirrors, vases, storage units, etc. Some say it isn't "real furniture" because it's not top quality. Their mission is to provide great style and functionality at a highly competitive price. And it fits many peoples budgets.

When couples and their families begin wedding planning they usually know it's going to be expensive, or they know they will have to make tough choices to keep the prices down. But there is nothing quite so startling as searching for something related to your wedding (whether it's photography, the dress, food, rentals) and being shocked at the prices. Weddings are a once a lifetime thing (hopefully) so you don't have the "Ikea brand" to know if you're really in a low end or high end place. And the thing about Ikea is if THEIR prices shock you, it is a one-two punch of first sticker shock, then extra shock knowing those are the CHEAPEST prices you will find anywhere.

Often the first place you get wedding sticker shock will not completely depress you because you still naively believe you can find the same things for less elsewhere. It is only in digging around that you find lower prices usually mean lower quality, fewer extras, or a "cheap look". The trick for most of us is to get somewhere inbetween not expensive and not too cheap looking.

So next time your parent, fiance, or friend cop an attitude with you about decisions you've made that seem too expensive, remind them they gone though the same sticker shock in buying a car, a new suit, a house, finding an affordable college, or any number of other things people often do rarely. Even if they still freak out on you, be calm knowing they are staying at "sticker shock" land instead of doing their own research and realizing you may have actually gotten a fantastic deal. And if it's a single friend, be extra relaxed while you wait for them to some day plan their own wedding and call you up freaking out about how expensive everything is and how they had no idea.

Watch for a You Tube video hopefully soon on this topic of money and why weddings are expensive! It's being designed for parents to get a greater understanding of the wedding industry and why it is not the same as when they got married.

The cost of doing business

I was just reading a wedding planner blog and found this fantastic paragraph that I want to highlight. The reason this caught my eye is:

1 - you can put yourself in the shoes of a wedding planner and see how many "HOURS" are put into the simple, 'day of coordination'

2 - you can see how their fee, worked backwards, pays them almost nothing

3 - you can then see why low fees mean you get low paid vendors, which means... you either get someone without a lot of experience (which is fine if you are aware of that), or someone who isn't really math saavy who may be overcommiting and going to get burned out real fast when they realize they aren't making enough money to survive and be passionate about what they do!

$8-9/hour, depending on where you live, is most likely going to be unskilled labor. Fast food, retail, someone who files papers.

If you want to get someone with tremendous experience at complex events like weddings you are going to have to pay well, with the idea that you are going to get a lot more for your money.

The paragraph is taken from this wedding planning blog.

Charge what you are worth. Take time to figure out how much money you want to make per hour then multiply it times 3. That is a very rough estimate of what your clients need to pay you. You will pay almost 30% for taxes alone plus all your business expenses before you can pay yourself. For example, if you charge $500 for wedding day coordination that includes the final walk-through, rehearsal and 10 hours on the wedding day plus a few meetings with your bride, creating time lines and confirming vendors, you end up with around $25 or so per hour before taxes/expenses. Take your taxes and business expenses from that and you make about $8-$9 hour. AND that does not include paying an assistant. Isn't all your hard work worth more than that? I sure hope so, even as a novice.

What is premarital counseling?

I just ran across a website with a fascinating view of premarital counseling and marriage preparation courses.

Waste of money, why would you pay someone to ask you both “what your dreams are?” If you don’t know by now why you are getting married. Don’t get married!

After I stop being shocked I did laugh a little. It is a frustration for many couples who are excellent communicators and in rock solid relationships to sit with a third person who asks questions that are just downright insulting. Um, you think we haven't talked about whether we want kids? "Yay, communication came out as our key strength. We could have told you that for FREE!"

But here's where the comment shows its ignorance. Marriage is NOT about your dreams. Marriage is about how you manage your money, your job, your stress, your notions of responsibility, fairness, equity. Marriage is about how you navigate your loyalties to your parents, spouse, kids, and your in-laws. Marriage is a nonstop relationship always in balance with all the other demands put on you as a person.

Marriage is about having SKILLS and abilities. It has little to do with dreams! Afterall, you can marry someone with the identical dream and still end up in a miserable marriage. Or you can marry someone whose dreams change after five years of marriage, but it doesn't matter because you still have a bond, a loyalty, and the skills to work through life changes.

So if you don't want to talk to anyone else, we have some fun at home options.

1 - The Ultimate Premarital Test - research based, over 2 million couples have taken this premarital inventory. It assesses 20 aspects of your relationship and gives you an excellent "view" of your relationship as it compares and contrasts to each of your own views of marriage and of how you grew up. It's online, you both take the test, and you get a huge personalized report.

2 - A new MONEY game. It's actually super easy and fun. It has a sort of Myers-Briggs feel to it, like are you THIS way or THAT way... you want to "win" but you realize it isn't about winning, it's about learning how your own mind and emotions work around money. It will also give you some "aha" moments as you plan your wedding with someone who may have very different beliefs about money.

3 - A 12 hour self-guided premarital counseling book designed and used by a paster for many years. He doesn't believe that HIS role as a pastor is to "tell couples" things. He believes that he can give couples an amazing, in depth experience where they share their own beliefs, values, visions and that in sharing in a deep way, their bond and understanding grow. It's worth checking out! You can make one date out of each "conversation" in the book! It has pages you rip out for each hour-long conversation. Minnesota couples can also do this in a group setting and get $70 off their Minnesota marriage license fee.

4 - If you're experiencing any wedding stress, Take Back Your Wedding is a great way to have a marriage counselor perspective of marriage and family life in book form. You will definitely learn new skills and ways to think about all the complex relationships in wedding planning (and married life.)

5 - And meeting with an experienced marriage counselor in person is always a useful thing. We have a list by state on our premarital counseling page.

A good book on love and fairness is:

Weddings should NOT promote non-marriage or emigration!

All this stuff just frustrates me to no end... Here we are in Somalia with the same issues faced around the planet... couples making drastic choices (never marrying, waiting YEARS without all the benefits and legal protections given to married couples, or in this case, leaving the country.)

HARGEISA, Somalia (Reuters) - Twenty-one couples have shared a joint wedding in Somalia, where the traditional lavish celebrations are increasingly unaffordable at a time of economic slump.
The function was held on Tuesday at a hotel in Hargeisa, capital of Somalia's breakaway region of Somaliland, and was arranged by Telsom, a telecoms company that employs all the bridegrooms.
The Horn of Africa region is staunchly Muslim, so the men and women celebrated separately.
The expense of a traditional wedding, especially when economic times are hard, is driving some young Somalis to leave their homeland.
"One of the reasons why the youth migrate is weddings are expensive, and I appeal to the community to simplify marriage by reducing the cost," Sheikh Mohamed Sheikh Omar Dirir, one of the area's most prominent religious leaders, told guests.
(Reporting by Husein Ali Nur; Writing by Daniel Wallis; Editing by Phakamisa Ndzamela)

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE52A47G20090311?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69

Wedding Trends for 2009

Here is a short list of expected trends for 2009 from The Wedding Report which says the average wedding will be between $21,000-$25,000. The wedding budgets for 2009 have dropped and here is where the "drop" will be seen:

• Smaller weddings with fewer guests
• Destination weddings or destination type weddings closer to home
• Accent colors on dresses and cakes with the most popular being greens and blues
• Increased reliance on family and friends to help plan, pay, and provide some of the services
• Increased use of green and echo friendly products and services
• Simplified decorations, centerpieces and wedding invitations
• Increased use of on-line RSVP's vs. traditional mail-in RSVPs
• Off-peak weddings; Mornings, Afternoons, Fridays, Sundays, October becomes the new June
• Buffet meals, Hors d'oeuvre, and cocktail receptions
• Cheesecakes, cupcakes and miniature cakes
• All-inclusive packages

Bridal Budget | Brides on a Budget

Just wrote up a new article on wedding budgets. It's a work in progress, trying to figure out the best way to mock up what I did for my wedding... I was able to calculate my "definite", "Maybe", and "unsure" invitation list and see exactly how much my budget would be when food budget changed as well as invite costs changed (having to buy in groups of 25.) Then you have to add if you have 8 person tables, every 8 new people represents not just 8 more meals, but a NEW table, new centerpiece, more wedding favors, more chair rentals, and may impact where you need to have your reception (or, too few people in too large creates a bad atmosphere... too empty.)

My ideal bridal budget for you would also include REGIONAL averages instead of national. The bridal budget worksheet would also include ranges so you could get a super rough idea playing with your priorities. For example, you can print your own invitations for maybe 50 cents, or buy super high end ones for $5 each. In my metro area, you can get a dinner for $15/person, for a lower end rate, or you could spend $50/person (or more) in a hotel setting. Photography can be bare bones for 2-3 hours, or can be an all day package. When I do this bridal budget worksheet, I'd let people add in their own rates and share with me what your regional numbers are so I could make bridal budget worksheets by region!

Bridal budget worksheets are very hard to find online in part because prices vary so widely based on a region. My idea of "ranges" by category also creates SO many possibilities it may be hard for math sufferers, or non-techie brides who get confused with all the options... (like high end invites, but low end food, etc.)

I'll get there some day! If you have any help for that project, send'em along. www.thefirstdance.com/contact-us.php

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding vendors and couples are in a fascinating co-dependent relationship. Without wedding vendors you don't have a wedding but without engaged couples, wedding vendors can't exist. Engaged couples are trying to maximize their savings while wedding vendors are trying to maximize their profit. Couples may or may not shop around, but wedding vendors know what people in their industry are charging and the games wedding vendors play. How do you know if your wedding vendor is trying to rip you off or is too good of a deal?

The number one complaint of wedding vendors is when engaged couples first ask, "how much do you cost?" They sometimes feel like you would feel if instead of being asked, "What do you do for a living?" you were asked, "how much do you make?" The notion that money is more important than their skills, background, or that they could even give you a fast number without knowing the details (when, where, how many people, what exactly you want from them.)

What To Know Before Getting Wedding Vendor Quotes

read more....

What do YOU think?

Since the announcement of Sarah Palin as John McCain's vice-presidentical candidate, many "marriage" type issues have been flying everywhere in the homes, message boards, blogs, and newspapers. No matter how you will vote, the issues are ones we all face. Do YOU know how you feel? Do you know how your spouse-to-be feels? Some great questions that have come out.

Sarah Palin went back to work 3 days post partem with a special needs baby. (Not sure if her husband was home though he was a full time worker.) Do you believe in you have a public-servant job as she does as Governor of Alaska that she did the right thing by serving her state? Or do you believe she should have been home with her baby for longer? Do you have an idea of how long you think a baby should be with a parent and are you willing to deal with the financial issues around taking time off work?

Sarah Palin has taken an intense job that for 2 months will leave her away from home and then, if she gets the job, she will be across the country and very busy. What do you and your fiance feel about high power jobs and kids? Sarah's husband is now a stay at home dad. Are either or both of you up for a time consuming career? Do you feel you both have a right to work hard or do you feel the kids need someone home? What if one of you wants a career change in a few years - will the other support that whether it means a pay decrease or a pay increase attached to a dramatic increase in work hours?


The reality is we just can not predict the future. Three years ago I would never have predicted where I would be today or where my husband would be. We were making great money, both in Corporate America. I've since been home with my son (and now daughter), working on this website and a therapy website, while my husband went back to school to do marriage counseling. That is a low paying job until you can build your practice, which takes 2-4 years. Talk about not getting what you signed up for when you got married! His well paying job went down to 0 and will eventually build to about 30% of what he made and eventually get close to 70-80% of what he used to make. But as his spouse, he was miserable in his last job and he absolutely needed this new career. He is more content than he has been in a long time. And I know first hand money does not make happiness so there was no question I would support him all along the way. But it means we have a radically different lifestyle.

So to prepare for your wedding you are likely also thinking about how your future goals impact todays decisions on how much to spend on your wedding, travel, on job choices, on buying a house, on where you live?