Bridal Budget | Brides on a Budget

Just wrote up a new article on wedding budgets. It's a work in progress, trying to figure out the best way to mock up what I did for my wedding... I was able to calculate my "definite", "Maybe", and "unsure" invitation list and see exactly how much my budget would be when food budget changed as well as invite costs changed (having to buy in groups of 25.) Then you have to add if you have 8 person tables, every 8 new people represents not just 8 more meals, but a NEW table, new centerpiece, more wedding favors, more chair rentals, and may impact where you need to have your reception (or, too few people in too large creates a bad atmosphere... too empty.)

My ideal bridal budget for you would also include REGIONAL averages instead of national. The bridal budget worksheet would also include ranges so you could get a super rough idea playing with your priorities. For example, you can print your own invitations for maybe 50 cents, or buy super high end ones for $5 each. In my metro area, you can get a dinner for $15/person, for a lower end rate, or you could spend $50/person (or more) in a hotel setting. Photography can be bare bones for 2-3 hours, or can be an all day package. When I do this bridal budget worksheet, I'd let people add in their own rates and share with me what your regional numbers are so I could make bridal budget worksheets by region!

Bridal budget worksheets are very hard to find online in part because prices vary so widely based on a region. My idea of "ranges" by category also creates SO many possibilities it may be hard for math sufferers, or non-techie brides who get confused with all the options... (like high end invites, but low end food, etc.)

I'll get there some day! If you have any help for that project, send'em along. www.thefirstdance.com/contact-us.php

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding vendors and couples are in a fascinating co-dependent relationship. Without wedding vendors you don't have a wedding but without engaged couples, wedding vendors can't exist. Engaged couples are trying to maximize their savings while wedding vendors are trying to maximize their profit. Couples may or may not shop around, but wedding vendors know what people in their industry are charging and the games wedding vendors play. How do you know if your wedding vendor is trying to rip you off or is too good of a deal?

The number one complaint of wedding vendors is when engaged couples first ask, "how much do you cost?" They sometimes feel like you would feel if instead of being asked, "What do you do for a living?" you were asked, "how much do you make?" The notion that money is more important than their skills, background, or that they could even give you a fast number without knowing the details (when, where, how many people, what exactly you want from them.)

What To Know Before Getting Wedding Vendor Quotes

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Working with wedding vendors

I've been thinking a lot about the economy and how scary it must be to be planning a wedding right now, especially if you or your fiance are in an industry with a lot of lay offs. It's also hard when family and friends, including your wedding party, may be hit with devastating job loss just as they're supposed to be happy for you and be there financially and with their time for parties and logistics.

One of the joys and frustrations of wedding vendors from my own bridal experiences and even in my role as a "wedding vendor" of sorts, is to maximize their wisdom and experiences without denying your own wedding needs or wedding values.

As you've likely seen, meeting with wedding vendors can be an exhausting, fascinating, nerve wracking experience. Depending on their personality you may leave the first meeting excited, uncertain, stressed out (hard sales pitches are never fun) or maybe you leave laughing at the AWFUL style or crazy prices they are trying to charge. You may also leave not feeling heard - you want THIS, not THAT, you don't need that part of the package but you DO need this other thing. Wedding vendors are always trying to make packages and wedding couples are always trying to tailor their specific budget and needs. Sometimes this works and often it doesn't, or things get lost in translation (the wedding vendor agrees and then when the bill comes, or product is delivered, it's NOT AT ALL what you agreed to.)

One bit of advice my husband and I were given that proved to be wise was knowing how you operate as a couple and being able to not commit to anything in a vendor meeting. My husband and I have bad luck with sales people no matter where we go. We generally are on the same page without talking and have "that look" we give each other that says, "oh my GOSH, seriously, can you believe this sales person? GAH!" Then when the sales person lets us be alone, we groan or laugh, whispering frantically about our plan of attack.... leave the store, try AGAIN to explain what we want, or decide to maybe come back later and find a new sales person.

When you're putting big bucks into this day, you may not always be able to control the personalities of your wedding vendors, but you SHOULD be able to get control over exactly what you want or know exactly why you can't have what you want (the hotel won't allow open flames, or the caterer had bad experiences with cakes they didn't bake so they refuse to tarnish their reputation when guests think a bad cake was made by them...true story of my caterer.)

So back to the economy. My fantasy is some of you are able to find those AMAZING wedding vendors where you can be brutally honest and get their absolute best service, even if it means they're not making tons of money off you. Like finding a florist who says, "hey, if you use THIS flower with some funky favors, you can save a ton of money and still get the wow factor." Or a photographer who admits in her experience, friends do a fine job with the wedding preparation photos and the best use of your money is to hire her for the ceremony, do photos after, and have a few of the big photo-ops done right away. Then have a good friend take the final farewell photos. You'd feel a lot better if your photographer "blessed" that idea and says it works great. Most of us do not feel good when we read that sort of advice in "how to save money" but don't actually know anyone who has done it!

I am thinking about you all. Let me know if you'd like to see any specific advice related to the family or friend dynamics when the economy is in turmoil and nothing seems to be going as planned.

Wedding Vendor Complaints

One of the many things I love from where I sit in the wedding industry is that I have intimate access to everyone. Wedding vendors will share things with me that they can't share with brides directly. Brides and families share intimate things with us they can't share with just anyone.

So instead of just listening to complaints, we like to cull out wisdom to be learned from the issues underlying the complaints. For wedding vendors it's often a simple case of brides not being vendors and not being aware of all that goes into the "business of weddings." Brides have no idea that for every wedding a wedding vendor books, there may be easily 10 or more sales calls, often requiring hours and hours of time, phone calls, and emails. For every sales call, that is hours not being spent either preparing for the upcoming weddings, gaining new skills for their trade, improving or updating their offerings, or simply being able to unwind and relax!

I asked a friend of mine whose husband does photography and while it varies greatly, 23 weddings a year is a number she threw out. If there are 52 weeks in the year, and many weddings don't happen in off seasons, you can see how weekends vanish, week days are spent preparing the post-wedding photos, or dealing with pre-wedding questions, and sales for the next years wedding season.

The irony of life is that to "pursue your dreams" requires a lot of other skills to get there. So whether you're an amazing photographer, but really bad doing "sales pitches", or you're a great cake baker but not so good at marketing yourself, the end result can be frustrated brides who are left uncertain about the wedding vendor or crabby at the perceived lack of poor service.

And coming out of the world of Human Resources, I can assure you that just because YOU have never needed the HR department until you have a benefits question does not mean everyone else isn't keeping the HR people crazy busy! So while you have "one simple question" for your wedding vendor, without being aware, your "one little question" may be one of 200 emails and 15 voicemails the wedding vendor is supposed to respond to BETWEEN the sales calls and actual work of the weddings themselves. And perhaps your question is so low-priority, the wedding vendor won't say that, but the actions will show that it takes two weeks to get back to you. This is simply the wedding vendor trying to stay afloat and meed the pressing needs of immediate weddings or of signing contracts for future weddings rather than, say, responding ASAP to a simple question when your wedding isn't for another 10 months.

But of course the questions are still there and the greater understanding may build empathy but you still want your questions answered!! So how DO you appreciate the hard work of wedding vendors and get your needs met? We address that too.

I'll keep building this article and wedding vendors, please submit your complaints and I will hold them confidentially but share the wisdom you have to offer.

http://www.thefirstdance.com/weddingvendorcomplaints.php

Review of Bride Wars as it relates to relationships

I went to see Bride Wars a couple nights ago. I know, it's been out a while. And the reviewers panned it. But it's one of those movies where if you aren't in wedding mode you would not remotely get it... the nuance, the complex relationships around wedding planning. So here is why I liked it... ignore if you still haven't seen it, though I won't give away the ending.

Timing of engagement

The two characters had long term boyfriends and were both near being engaged. One found an engagement ring box and was thrilled to be "getting engaged" even though it had not quite happened yet. While waiting, the second character DOES get engaged!

The newly engaged friend is sharing her excitement and plans with her friend and there we begin the complexity. The unengaged friend is happy for her friend but can't help focusing in on why SHE wasn't engaged, what was wrong with HER boyfriend, and how much this conversation should be about her. The engage friend soon realizes this and tries to shut up... but it's too late, and unengaged friend doesn't want to stiffle the joy of her engaged friend. Unengaged friend literally runs away to chase down her boyfriend at work to find out whether he's ever going to propose. I found it more than a little odd that she had to ask the guy, "is marriage something you want?" I generally feel couples know if they're marriage-bound, they should certaintly know how the other feels about marriage in GENERAL, and if she saw an engagement ring, why was she even asking that question?

Do Other People Care About Your Wedding?

There is a very short scene where the girlfriends of these two brides are being told about the engagement. One reaches for the pills while faking excitement and the other starts microwaving a pint of Ben and Jerry's to eat it fast. It can be VERY hard for single friends, especially those not even dating anyone, to lose you to an engagement! If they are dating it can really challenge their own relationship, questioning if they're wanting marriage, are they in a "marriage bound" relationship or when will they ever get married. Sometimes they'll fake excitement the whole time but their emotions will come out in lack of follow-through, being critical, or a sudden shift in your friendship. Often they have no idea they're actually doing this and certaintly the last people they want to share their feelings with is YOU, the BRIDE. They don't want to get pity or they don't want to purposefully make you feel bad.

Wedding Dresses

Next big scene is two engaged friend looking at a bridal dress shop for who I'll call Assertive Bride (the second to get engaged after demanding a proposal from her boyfriend.) Passive Bride (her character is a pleaser, never says no to anyone) finds a dress she loves but then stops, knowing it doesn't matter because she wants to wear her mothers dress. Assertive Bride then says how it IS a great dress but she ought not to try it on because Passive Bride loves it so much. No, no, try it on says Passive Bride. Yes, you can guess what happened. And ackward scene number two happens as these women start to realize the complexity of being engaged at the same time planning two weddings.

Wedding Location

This is of course the main tension of the movie. A screw up happens and they get booked on the same day and time. This is fine at a large hotel which services two brides at once... .but NOT OK when you're supposed to be maid of honor for each other at the exact same moment.

The interesting thing to me was out Assertive Bride tried to claim the coveted wedding location (Plaza Hotel in New York) means so much because it was the "only happy memory from her childhood." Can we say emotional trumpcard?? (We don't really know what happens to her parents but it sounds like as girls, they along with their parents went to a gorgeous Plaza wedding and sometime later, her parents died.)

Passive Bride says how she doesn't make NEARLY as much money as Assertive Bride (Teacher Vs. Lawyer) and has been saving since she was 15 years old for her Plaza Hotel. Money trump card or perhaps just, "I have been working harder for this than you have because I've been actually saving hard earned cash while you could easily afford anything, anytime."

Wedding Party

The final thing I'll note about the movie was the role of the Maid of Honor. While it is definitely important for some people to have a very engaged wedding party, this is not true of all brides. My best girl friends were all out of town, so my mom and I did all the planning. I never went to more than one wedding vendor because I got all word of mouth referrals (saved me tons of time.) I did no "DIY" projects that take a lot of time and usually require the help of others. No family is in town except my parents so I had a small shower with lots of gifts (shipped from out of town... pretty ackward though much appreciated.)