When Bad Things Happen - Honoring 9/11

As we remember 7 years ago when our nation was forever changed, anyone who was getting married just after, or attending a wedding, or lost a friend or loved one, will never forget the added burden of not knowing how to respond or what to do.

It really challenged everyone as to the purpose of a wedding. Is it to celebrate your marriage with your family and friends? And if they can't travel, should you go ahead anyway because you put money down on the day and you don't want to reschedule? Is it morbid and wrong to celebrate with a wedding when people have died? Perhaps wedding party members, siblings, friends, parents died and your wedding was close to the date.

Everyone had to make their own decisions. Some couples postponed, some went on and used the wedding as a way to honor those we lost on that awful day.

It is always important to keep in mind what your goal of your wedding is and whether your decisions throughout honor your values. There are often no "right" and "wrong" answers.

Bad Wedding Advice

One reason The First Dance exists is because of the horrible wedding advice out there. If the advice were good, I would have never gone to my marriage counselor father to ask his opinion on the wedding wisdom out there. I would have never thought about all the issues couples face and how the advice in bridal land is often so pathetic! It is either not helpful or actually damaging.

So I will be flushing out more of what this "bad advice" is soon but here are two very common examples of bad advice:

1 - If your parents are bitterly divorced and never or rarely talk with each other, and you are worried about this for your wedding, they are NOT going to "behave" or "get along" if you simploy ask them or "remind them" this is "your big day." The reality is if they are capable of getting along and behaving well, they would have done so for holidays, for your birthdays, graduations, etc. This advice to "sit your parents down and explain this is your big day and you want them to get along" sounds nice but is just not the way the world operates! It can also lead to the false sense of control that you, the bride or groom, really have over others. And it can offend your parents who believe they ARE well behaved and offended you think so little of them.

2 - If your bridesmaid or maid of honor is being difficult, say, procrastinating or not getting back to you, the bad advice out there revolves around the trickiness of maintaining some sense of control while acknowledging the person can't BE controlled. There are ways to deal with someone that give you control back without giving them all the power over your plans and emotions. Wedding bridal party wisdom is flushed out in our book and website and you can read two chapters of our book, Take Back Your Wedding.

Florida Premarital Counseling | Florida Marriage License Info

Did you know you can get a Florida marriage license reduction if you take 4 hours of premarital counseling?

Some of the "exciting" details for you.
Summary: The fee is reduced by $32.50 (from $88.50 to $56) if a couple completes a 4-hour premarital course given by a provider registered with the Clerk of Circuit Court.

741.0305 Marriage fee reduction for completion of premarital preparation course.--
(1) A man and a woman who intend to apply for a marriage license under s. 741.04 may, together or separately, complete a premarital preparation course of not less than 4 hours. Each individual shall verify completion of the course by filing with the application a valid certificate of completion from the course provider, which certificate shall specify whether the course was completed by personal instruction, videotape instruction, instruction via other electronic medium, or a combination of those methods. All individuals who complete a premarital preparation course pursuant to this section must be issued a certificate of completion at the conclusion of the course by their course provider. Upon furnishing such certificate when applying for a marriage license, the individuals shall have their marriage license fee reduced by $32.50.
(2) The premarital preparation course may include instruction regarding:
(a) Conflict management.
(b) Communication skills.
(c) Financial responsibilities.
(d) Children and parenting responsibilities.
(e) Data compiled from available information relating to problems reported by married couples who seek marital or individual counseling.
(3)(a) All individuals electing to participate in a premarital preparation course shall choose from the following list of qualified instructors:
1. A psychologist licensed under chapter 490.
2. A clinical social worker licensed under chapter 491.
3. A marriage and family therapist licensed under chapter 491.
www.healthymarriageinfo.org Page 4 9/4/2007
4. A mental health counselor licensed under chapter 491.
5. An official representative of a religious institution which is recognized under s. 496.404(19), if the representative has relevant training.
6. Any other provider designated by a judicial circuit, including, but not limited to, school counselors who are certified to offer such courses. Each judicial circuit may establish a roster of area course providers, including those who offer the course on a sliding fee scale or for free.
(b) The costs of such premarital preparation course shall be paid by the applicant.
(4) Each premarital preparation course provider shall furnish each participant who completes the course with a certificate of completion specifying the name of the participant and the date of completion and whether the course was conducted by personal instruction, videotape instruction, or instruction via other electronic medium, or by a combination of these methods.
(5) All area course providers shall register with the clerk of the circuit court by filing an affidavit in writing attesting to the provider's compliance with the premarital preparation course requirements as set forth in this section and including the course instructor's name and qualifications, including the license number, if any, or, if an official representative of a religious institution, a statement as to relevant training.

Minnesota Premartial Counseling | Minnesota Marriage License Information

If you are in Minnesota you may know about the reduced marriage license fee if you take 12 hours of premarital counseling. As the fees go up each year, the rate stays at $30 if you complete those 12 hours.

So what's involved? Here is the legal verbage for the MN marriage license fee reduction - how to get it, what you need to have filled out. A summary of what is included:

(b) The marriage license fee for parties who have completed at least 12 hours of premarital education is $30. In order to qualify for the reduced fee, the parties must submit a signed and dated statement from the person who provided the premarital education confirming that it was received. The premarital education must be provided by a licensed or ordained minister or the minister's designee, a person authorized to solemnize marriages under section 517.18, or a person authorized to practice marriage and family therapy under section 148B.33. The education must include the use of a premarital inventory and the teaching of communication and conflict management skills.(c) The statement from the person who provided the premarital education under paragraph (b) must be in the following form:"I, (name of educator), confirm that (names of both parties) received at least 12 hours of premarital education that included the use of a premarital inventory and the teaching of communication and conflict management skills. I am a licensed or ordained minister, a person authorized to solemnize marriages under Minnesota Statutes, section 517.18, or a person licensed to practice marriage and family therapy under Minnesota Statutes, section 148B.33."The names of the parties in the educator's statement must be identical to the legal names of the parties as they appear in the marriage license application. Notwithstanding section 138.17, the educator's statement must be retained for seven years, after which time it may be destroyed.

What do YOU think?

Since the announcement of Sarah Palin as John McCain's vice-presidentical candidate, many "marriage" type issues have been flying everywhere in the homes, message boards, blogs, and newspapers. No matter how you will vote, the issues are ones we all face. Do YOU know how you feel? Do you know how your spouse-to-be feels? Some great questions that have come out.

Sarah Palin went back to work 3 days post partem with a special needs baby. (Not sure if her husband was home though he was a full time worker.) Do you believe in you have a public-servant job as she does as Governor of Alaska that she did the right thing by serving her state? Or do you believe she should have been home with her baby for longer? Do you have an idea of how long you think a baby should be with a parent and are you willing to deal with the financial issues around taking time off work?

Sarah Palin has taken an intense job that for 2 months will leave her away from home and then, if she gets the job, she will be across the country and very busy. What do you and your fiance feel about high power jobs and kids? Sarah's husband is now a stay at home dad. Are either or both of you up for a time consuming career? Do you feel you both have a right to work hard or do you feel the kids need someone home? What if one of you wants a career change in a few years - will the other support that whether it means a pay decrease or a pay increase attached to a dramatic increase in work hours?


The reality is we just can not predict the future. Three years ago I would never have predicted where I would be today or where my husband would be. We were making great money, both in Corporate America. I've since been home with my son (and now daughter), working on this website and a therapy website, while my husband went back to school to do marriage counseling. That is a low paying job until you can build your practice, which takes 2-4 years. Talk about not getting what you signed up for when you got married! His well paying job went down to 0 and will eventually build to about 30% of what he made and eventually get close to 70-80% of what he used to make. But as his spouse, he was miserable in his last job and he absolutely needed this new career. He is more content than he has been in a long time. And I know first hand money does not make happiness so there was no question I would support him all along the way. But it means we have a radically different lifestyle.

So to prepare for your wedding you are likely also thinking about how your future goals impact todays decisions on how much to spend on your wedding, travel, on job choices, on buying a house, on where you live?