How Ikea is like Wedding Planning

My husband, a marriage therapist, just opened a new office. This has meant a lot of trips to Ikea, a lot of shopping for things we haven't purchased ever, or in a long time. And it means figuring out the style you want, how much we are willing to spend for that style, and the needs of the couples who go to him for counseling. It also means figuring out how to pay for all the new furniture.

For those who have an Ikea near them, you know it's a great place to get very affordable furniture, textiles, and miscellaneous decorative items like mirrors, vases, storage units, etc. Some say it isn't "real furniture" because it's not top quality. Their mission is to provide great style and functionality at a highly competitive price. And it fits many peoples budgets.

When couples and their families begin wedding planning they usually know it's going to be expensive, or they know they will have to make tough choices to keep the prices down. But there is nothing quite so startling as searching for something related to your wedding (whether it's photography, the dress, food, rentals) and being shocked at the prices. Weddings are a once a lifetime thing (hopefully) so you don't have the "Ikea brand" to know if you're really in a low end or high end place. And the thing about Ikea is if THEIR prices shock you, it is a one-two punch of first sticker shock, then extra shock knowing those are the CHEAPEST prices you will find anywhere.

Often the first place you get wedding sticker shock will not completely depress you because you still naively believe you can find the same things for less elsewhere. It is only in digging around that you find lower prices usually mean lower quality, fewer extras, or a "cheap look". The trick for most of us is to get somewhere inbetween not expensive and not too cheap looking.

So next time your parent, fiance, or friend cop an attitude with you about decisions you've made that seem too expensive, remind them they gone though the same sticker shock in buying a car, a new suit, a house, finding an affordable college, or any number of other things people often do rarely. Even if they still freak out on you, be calm knowing they are staying at "sticker shock" land instead of doing their own research and realizing you may have actually gotten a fantastic deal. And if it's a single friend, be extra relaxed while you wait for them to some day plan their own wedding and call you up freaking out about how expensive everything is and how they had no idea.

Watch for a You Tube video hopefully soon on this topic of money and why weddings are expensive! It's being designed for parents to get a greater understanding of the wedding industry and why it is not the same as when they got married.

The cost of doing business

I was just reading a wedding planner blog and found this fantastic paragraph that I want to highlight. The reason this caught my eye is:

1 - you can put yourself in the shoes of a wedding planner and see how many "HOURS" are put into the simple, 'day of coordination'

2 - you can see how their fee, worked backwards, pays them almost nothing

3 - you can then see why low fees mean you get low paid vendors, which means... you either get someone without a lot of experience (which is fine if you are aware of that), or someone who isn't really math saavy who may be overcommiting and going to get burned out real fast when they realize they aren't making enough money to survive and be passionate about what they do!

$8-9/hour, depending on where you live, is most likely going to be unskilled labor. Fast food, retail, someone who files papers.

If you want to get someone with tremendous experience at complex events like weddings you are going to have to pay well, with the idea that you are going to get a lot more for your money.

The paragraph is taken from this wedding planning blog.

Charge what you are worth. Take time to figure out how much money you want to make per hour then multiply it times 3. That is a very rough estimate of what your clients need to pay you. You will pay almost 30% for taxes alone plus all your business expenses before you can pay yourself. For example, if you charge $500 for wedding day coordination that includes the final walk-through, rehearsal and 10 hours on the wedding day plus a few meetings with your bride, creating time lines and confirming vendors, you end up with around $25 or so per hour before taxes/expenses. Take your taxes and business expenses from that and you make about $8-$9 hour. AND that does not include paying an assistant. Isn't all your hard work worth more than that? I sure hope so, even as a novice.

Wedding DJ Ideas and Wisdom

In our new routine of seeking out professionals in every aspect of wedding planning, we have a fabulous Q&A with an LA DJ company. I laughed out loud, I gasped at some stories, and all around I am much more informed, even though I've already gotten married and didn't think I could really learn THAT much more.

Take a look at the wedding DJ wisdom. Share any stories you have or just share that web page with your fellow engaged friends!

Keeping the Romance Alive while Wedding Planning

We have a romance expert to share some of her thoughts on romance, particularly during wedding planning season. It's such a tough balance, between jobs, errands, life, trying to still date, and then spending many hours getting details in order for the big day.

One thing that often surprises couples is how the wedding starts to take a toil on their relationship. Before being engaged, a date was just about the two of you. After being engaged, the date may come with sticky conversations about difficult parents, or jealous siblings, or a mismatch in expectations for the wedding. The relationship is in the adolescent phase. You're not married yet, but you're not just single. It's a tricky situation to be in, no matter how long you've been together.

I can say, a few years into marriage with two kids, those dates you have will stick in your memory, even if you have less time to do them. There were many times my husband and I would walk around the local lakes, only for my low blood pressure to cause me problems and we'd have to find a bench. Annoying at the time, but pretty funny how we could never quite manage to walk all the way around a lake without a pause. It became part of the expectation of those dates, which were sometimes quite stressful as we tried to talk through the Stuff of Married Life. But they were important conversations and we moved forward in our relationship because of them. (For more conversations, we have an amazing self-guided premarital counseling book designed for date/conversations. Check it out.)

Those little moments of life are always grander than the big plans. Hopefully your wedding is amazing, but it is just one day of many, many romantic days you should plan for! If you haven't yet set your honeymoon plans, check out our interactive guide to get the two of you on the same page for what exactly you want from the honeymoon (and we don't just mean THAT....)

Enjoy our great questions and answers on romance during wedding planning from a romance expert! May her wisdom instill the passion in you to keep your love alive.

How weddings are like jeans

I am down to one last pair of jeans. I've either worn them out, my husband got paint all over one pair, and somehow, here I am. The jean shopping experience is again in my future. Fortunately I have a few months of summer left.

Jeans are a great analogy to weddings because of all the diversity, viewpoints, and pressures, both social and financial, to chose one type or another.

On the one hand, jean shopping, like weddings, should be very rational. Find your budget, figure out your requirements, match your budget and requirements, and out come the right jeans, or the "wedding you should have."

But we know it's never that simple. Sometimes the options you first see are either priced wrong, or don't "excite you". You know there must be more! Then often you find something gasp inducing in its glory. Maybe it's The Jean With All Your Requirements. Or it's the exact wedding invites you've been looking for, down to the type font, exact shade of paper color and size.

At this point either the price tag makes you gasp again and rethink your original requirements, or you mention your discovery to a friend who has an instant opinion. "Ooh, you have GOT to check out this!" Or I found the best deal here (regardless of whether that place has what you're actually looking for.)

You are often educated on all the options you didn't know exist and the benefits thereof (sure the jeans are crazy expensive but not only will they look amazing on you but they'll last so much longer!) Or instead of one flavor of cake, go with three separate tiers with a flavor each (thereby tripling the discussions, confusion and potential cost, though adding the ever-desired ability to make everyone happy.) You hadn't thought about three flavors before! You didn't really think about the long lasting wear of a high quality jean.

The next stage is usually over saturation of options, prices, requirement questioning, and sometimes, as is often the case for me, the desire to wax poetic about "the old fashioned days" where you could go to the store and just buy A PAIR OF JEANS. You didn't have 120 choices of cut, style, waist fit, zipper or button, shade, pocket placement.

When you're at this stage there is nowhere to turn. Your best bud is not over saturated and is quick to give you her opinion. The sales person just wants to make a sale and has all the ways to talk you out of competing opinions. Your fiance or spouse has never cared that much, or at this point only cares that you SHUT UP already and make a decision. That of courses ticks you off and now you've just notched up your stress.

Some of us will then grab the first thing we have time to get, whether it fits our requirements or price. Others of us will just stop altogether and return to the task some time in the future when we're not so uncertain. And others of us will do what we always do - focus on price (whether that is the frugal price or the highest price because we believe price always reflects quality.) And still others of us will let the sales person convince us and with exhaustion, hand over the credit card because we just don't care anymore.

The "I Don't Care" Blues

This blog is dedicated to all the potential, current, or past fights you have had as an engaged couple around wedding planning. The most common way this goes is like this.


bride, "OK honey, next action item is to figure out flowers. What do you think?"



groom, "I don't care."



Bride is then left with a few emotions, sometimes conflicting. These might include:

• Relief - one thing she doesn't have to coordinate his schedule and get his time to do!


• Annoyance - she also DOES NOT CARE about flowers, but apparently she has to care because he's said (or so she thinks...) that he wants nothing to do with them.


• Relief AND annoyance because she loves flowers but this yet ANOTHER thing he "doesn't care about" and she wonders if he'll have any opinion on anything??

So where does the problem arise? I will never forget the holiday party with my coworker who was there with her fiance. The groom was The Classic Groom who cared about nothing. Especially the flowers. Until the FLOWER COLOR meant his bride wanted him to wear a pink vest with his tuxedo. Then he REALLY cared. And she was at the end of planning, had the entire color scheme and vision set months prior. He felt that she had no right to make him wear a feminine pink color. She felt that because he said he didn't care, he had no right to ruin her color theme. He felt that he had at least SOME say because this was HIS outfit, not hers. He left her alone for her dress, why does she have a right to control his clothes? She didn't see the big deal and was annoyed at his "childishness."

What was going on? He had no idea what the flower decision related to that he MIGHT care about. She had no idea that he might care about things related to the flower choices she made. Perhaps neither knew at the beginning that the color thing would play itself out.

What can you do instead of accept an "I don't care?"

1. Be honest with yourself. If you are carrying the wedding planning burden, consider each task and what you want and need. If you really want your fiance to be involved with something you know they likely don't care about, then you need to express yourself and figure out what is reasonable. Afterall, if he really could care less, is dragging him to 4 florists, spending 4 weekends really going to help you, him, your wedding and your relatinoship? Probably not. But what if you're just wanting some validation on your ideas? Then you might say something like, "Honey, I'm thinking about keeping the flowers in the season of our wedding... this will keep costs down. When I've figured out what I think I like, I would really like to bring you to the florist to show you. I know you may not really care, but it will make me feel better having your 5 minute participation and nod of approval."

He gets a very concrete action plan and the reason. Go to the florist. Approve flowers. Easy, easy! She didn't ask if he cared and won't come back to get angry that he isn't helping out. This is a very groom-friendly conversation.

2. Research, ask the vendor (florist, baker, etc) what other decisions are impacted by this decision. Your vendor will really help you figure out what your groom might care about. Examples might be:

photography - depending on how expensive yours is, it may limit photo time or impact whether you two see each other before your ceremony. your groom likely has SOME opinion on seeing hsi bride before the ceremony.

baker - grooms may often just care about the flavor, or may have an opinion on saving the top layer for the one year anniversary and maybe don't care about WHICH baker. Or maybe he loves cake and wants to get taste testings from EVERY baker. :)

bridesmaids dresses - may only impact the vests of the best man and groosmen. the groom may hate the color or not want his buddies to be in pink (see story above!)

save the dates - the groom may not care if or how the STD's are done but may have an opinion on WHEN they're sent out. He may know his friends need a huge forewarning because they are always busy, or make travel plans during your wedding season. He may also need to fully understand what an STD is - it is basically an INVITATION, set well in advance, and there is no turning back, no uninviting those people. And for friends who didn't get a STD, if there are shared friends, your groom needs to know NOW that it may be a bit ackward when friends talk and some are invited and some aren't. He may just have no clue about any of that.

3. If neither of you care, find out of any other person cares - a parent, a best friend, perhaps a good friend who isn't in the wedding party but LOVES, say, flowers, and would love nothing more than figuring out some great options and researching vendors and prices. You never know!

4. If neither of you care and nobody else cares, then TOGETHER figure out how to make a decision. Brides should never be the "default planner" if she is equally as uninterested as the groom. This leads to her resenting the groom or worse, resenting the wedding itself. There are many other future issues in your marriage that neither of you are going to want to do (garbage pick up?!) but it has to get done. You might as well figure out how to navigate the "neither of us care" problem in the wedding itself. Perhaps you wheel and deal - he takes three things neither of you care about but you then don't complain if he takes a more expensive bachelor party weekend than you're doing for your bachelorette party. Or you divide the "don't care" list in half. Or one of you is good at researching and the other is great at making decisions. Maybe you split the "dont care" list this way... one researches, the other decides and signs the contrats. Get creative.

Feel free to share your "don't care" story!

Top Ways People CREATE Wedding Stress

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

Read the rest at The First Dance!

Ackward Conversations, Avoiding Wedding Drama

One of the greatest things about being the daughter of a marriage and family therapist (who also TEACHES the subject at a university) is I've been given many tools in my life toolbox-of-ackward-conversations.

This tip works for weddings, business, friends, for vendors. The big word is "contextualizing" and what that means is instead of simply blurting out your stress, worry, or trying to figure out how to bring up something ackward, CONTEXTUALIZE it and you'll immediately be able to talk more calmly, feel less stupid, and avoid a lot of potential drama now and in the future.

So let's say you have chosen your wedding party but realize you have no idea what their role really is, or you're at the point where Ackwardness Begins, because you don't really want to burden them, or you have started to get push back from them and are feeling hurt! (They never have time for dress shopping, show no interest in searching for vendors, etc.)

A sample dialogue, ideally in person or on the phone may go as follows:

"Hey guys, I wanted to get together this coming week if we can arrange our schedules. I have been reading about all the wedding drama around wedding parties, and I want to avoid all that if I can so you guys don't resent me or I don't go bridezilla on you without knowing it."

You get together, and it could go something like this:

"Thanks for getting together! I'm sooooo excited that you guys are going to be in my wedding! In all my excitement I realize I never figured out what a wedding party is supposed to do, or what you guys even WANT to do. So, I thought I'd lay out a few traditional things and tell you what I'm feeling and get your feedback. I want this to be exciting and fun, not something you guys dread. I hope by being honest, you guys will be too so we can keep this fun but real... no pretending to be happy when we're miserable."

Then it's your turn to have researched what *YOU* hope, what you expect, and to be open, but vulnerable with them so they can be open and vulnerable with you. For example, "I really want you guys to go dress shopping with me, but I know it may not be that fun for you, or you are so busy the next month and I want to get this done soon. So, if you're able to squeeze in some time, I'd love it, but I also understand if you're busy and can find some other friends who may want to help out... what do you guys think? Is the dress shopping something you'd like to join me in or maybe you'd rather help with something later?"

The key is to not open the guilt trip, but get their HONEST answer! I feel so much pain for brides when their bridesmaids agree to go dress shopping and either cancel at the last minute, or just NO-SHOW! It's so much unnecessary pain if you had just found out your friends were so extremely stressed with work and have no real interest in the dress... then you could make other plans, or at least not personalize their lack of interest as being "anti-you"...

Don't take ANYTHING for granted... always "contextualize" your conversations so they are depersonalized and open up some honest discussions. A bad example would be to announce your dress plans, then be hurt they can't make it. Or to have them agree because you don't give them room to say they can't/don't want to, then get super hurt when they cancel or no-show. There could be a thousand other things going on that have nothing to do with you, and wouldn't you rather be honest and find people who honestly are excited for the dress even if they aren't in the wedding party?

Weddings should NOT promote non-marriage or emigration!

All this stuff just frustrates me to no end... Here we are in Somalia with the same issues faced around the planet... couples making drastic choices (never marrying, waiting YEARS without all the benefits and legal protections given to married couples, or in this case, leaving the country.)

HARGEISA, Somalia (Reuters) - Twenty-one couples have shared a joint wedding in Somalia, where the traditional lavish celebrations are increasingly unaffordable at a time of economic slump.
The function was held on Tuesday at a hotel in Hargeisa, capital of Somalia's breakaway region of Somaliland, and was arranged by Telsom, a telecoms company that employs all the bridegrooms.
The Horn of Africa region is staunchly Muslim, so the men and women celebrated separately.
The expense of a traditional wedding, especially when economic times are hard, is driving some young Somalis to leave their homeland.
"One of the reasons why the youth migrate is weddings are expensive, and I appeal to the community to simplify marriage by reducing the cost," Sheikh Mohamed Sheikh Omar Dirir, one of the area's most prominent religious leaders, told guests.
(Reporting by Husein Ali Nur; Writing by Daniel Wallis; Editing by Phakamisa Ndzamela)

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE52A47G20090311?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69

Wedding Trends for 2009

Here is a short list of expected trends for 2009 from The Wedding Report which says the average wedding will be between $21,000-$25,000. The wedding budgets for 2009 have dropped and here is where the "drop" will be seen:

• Smaller weddings with fewer guests
• Destination weddings or destination type weddings closer to home
• Accent colors on dresses and cakes with the most popular being greens and blues
• Increased reliance on family and friends to help plan, pay, and provide some of the services
• Increased use of green and echo friendly products and services
• Simplified decorations, centerpieces and wedding invitations
• Increased use of on-line RSVP's vs. traditional mail-in RSVPs
• Off-peak weddings; Mornings, Afternoons, Fridays, Sundays, October becomes the new June
• Buffet meals, Hors d'oeuvre, and cocktail receptions
• Cheesecakes, cupcakes and miniature cakes
• All-inclusive packages

Bridal Budget | Brides on a Budget

Just wrote up a new article on wedding budgets. It's a work in progress, trying to figure out the best way to mock up what I did for my wedding... I was able to calculate my "definite", "Maybe", and "unsure" invitation list and see exactly how much my budget would be when food budget changed as well as invite costs changed (having to buy in groups of 25.) Then you have to add if you have 8 person tables, every 8 new people represents not just 8 more meals, but a NEW table, new centerpiece, more wedding favors, more chair rentals, and may impact where you need to have your reception (or, too few people in too large creates a bad atmosphere... too empty.)

My ideal bridal budget for you would also include REGIONAL averages instead of national. The bridal budget worksheet would also include ranges so you could get a super rough idea playing with your priorities. For example, you can print your own invitations for maybe 50 cents, or buy super high end ones for $5 each. In my metro area, you can get a dinner for $15/person, for a lower end rate, or you could spend $50/person (or more) in a hotel setting. Photography can be bare bones for 2-3 hours, or can be an all day package. When I do this bridal budget worksheet, I'd let people add in their own rates and share with me what your regional numbers are so I could make bridal budget worksheets by region!

Bridal budget worksheets are very hard to find online in part because prices vary so widely based on a region. My idea of "ranges" by category also creates SO many possibilities it may be hard for math sufferers, or non-techie brides who get confused with all the options... (like high end invites, but low end food, etc.)

I'll get there some day! If you have any help for that project, send'em along. www.thefirstdance.com/contact-us.php

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding vendors and couples are in a fascinating co-dependent relationship. Without wedding vendors you don't have a wedding but without engaged couples, wedding vendors can't exist. Engaged couples are trying to maximize their savings while wedding vendors are trying to maximize their profit. Couples may or may not shop around, but wedding vendors know what people in their industry are charging and the games wedding vendors play. How do you know if your wedding vendor is trying to rip you off or is too good of a deal?

The number one complaint of wedding vendors is when engaged couples first ask, "how much do you cost?" They sometimes feel like you would feel if instead of being asked, "What do you do for a living?" you were asked, "how much do you make?" The notion that money is more important than their skills, background, or that they could even give you a fast number without knowing the details (when, where, how many people, what exactly you want from them.)

What To Know Before Getting Wedding Vendor Quotes

read more....

Wedding Vendor Complaints

One of the many things I love from where I sit in the wedding industry is that I have intimate access to everyone. Wedding vendors will share things with me that they can't share with brides directly. Brides and families share intimate things with us they can't share with just anyone.

So instead of just listening to complaints, we like to cull out wisdom to be learned from the issues underlying the complaints. For wedding vendors it's often a simple case of brides not being vendors and not being aware of all that goes into the "business of weddings." Brides have no idea that for every wedding a wedding vendor books, there may be easily 10 or more sales calls, often requiring hours and hours of time, phone calls, and emails. For every sales call, that is hours not being spent either preparing for the upcoming weddings, gaining new skills for their trade, improving or updating their offerings, or simply being able to unwind and relax!

I asked a friend of mine whose husband does photography and while it varies greatly, 23 weddings a year is a number she threw out. If there are 52 weeks in the year, and many weddings don't happen in off seasons, you can see how weekends vanish, week days are spent preparing the post-wedding photos, or dealing with pre-wedding questions, and sales for the next years wedding season.

The irony of life is that to "pursue your dreams" requires a lot of other skills to get there. So whether you're an amazing photographer, but really bad doing "sales pitches", or you're a great cake baker but not so good at marketing yourself, the end result can be frustrated brides who are left uncertain about the wedding vendor or crabby at the perceived lack of poor service.

And coming out of the world of Human Resources, I can assure you that just because YOU have never needed the HR department until you have a benefits question does not mean everyone else isn't keeping the HR people crazy busy! So while you have "one simple question" for your wedding vendor, without being aware, your "one little question" may be one of 200 emails and 15 voicemails the wedding vendor is supposed to respond to BETWEEN the sales calls and actual work of the weddings themselves. And perhaps your question is so low-priority, the wedding vendor won't say that, but the actions will show that it takes two weeks to get back to you. This is simply the wedding vendor trying to stay afloat and meed the pressing needs of immediate weddings or of signing contracts for future weddings rather than, say, responding ASAP to a simple question when your wedding isn't for another 10 months.

But of course the questions are still there and the greater understanding may build empathy but you still want your questions answered!! So how DO you appreciate the hard work of wedding vendors and get your needs met? We address that too.

I'll keep building this article and wedding vendors, please submit your complaints and I will hold them confidentially but share the wisdom you have to offer.

http://www.thefirstdance.com/weddingvendorcomplaints.php

Review of Bride Wars as it relates to relationships

I went to see Bride Wars a couple nights ago. I know, it's been out a while. And the reviewers panned it. But it's one of those movies where if you aren't in wedding mode you would not remotely get it... the nuance, the complex relationships around wedding planning. So here is why I liked it... ignore if you still haven't seen it, though I won't give away the ending.

Timing of engagement

The two characters had long term boyfriends and were both near being engaged. One found an engagement ring box and was thrilled to be "getting engaged" even though it had not quite happened yet. While waiting, the second character DOES get engaged!

The newly engaged friend is sharing her excitement and plans with her friend and there we begin the complexity. The unengaged friend is happy for her friend but can't help focusing in on why SHE wasn't engaged, what was wrong with HER boyfriend, and how much this conversation should be about her. The engage friend soon realizes this and tries to shut up... but it's too late, and unengaged friend doesn't want to stiffle the joy of her engaged friend. Unengaged friend literally runs away to chase down her boyfriend at work to find out whether he's ever going to propose. I found it more than a little odd that she had to ask the guy, "is marriage something you want?" I generally feel couples know if they're marriage-bound, they should certaintly know how the other feels about marriage in GENERAL, and if she saw an engagement ring, why was she even asking that question?

Do Other People Care About Your Wedding?

There is a very short scene where the girlfriends of these two brides are being told about the engagement. One reaches for the pills while faking excitement and the other starts microwaving a pint of Ben and Jerry's to eat it fast. It can be VERY hard for single friends, especially those not even dating anyone, to lose you to an engagement! If they are dating it can really challenge their own relationship, questioning if they're wanting marriage, are they in a "marriage bound" relationship or when will they ever get married. Sometimes they'll fake excitement the whole time but their emotions will come out in lack of follow-through, being critical, or a sudden shift in your friendship. Often they have no idea they're actually doing this and certaintly the last people they want to share their feelings with is YOU, the BRIDE. They don't want to get pity or they don't want to purposefully make you feel bad.

Wedding Dresses

Next big scene is two engaged friend looking at a bridal dress shop for who I'll call Assertive Bride (the second to get engaged after demanding a proposal from her boyfriend.) Passive Bride (her character is a pleaser, never says no to anyone) finds a dress she loves but then stops, knowing it doesn't matter because she wants to wear her mothers dress. Assertive Bride then says how it IS a great dress but she ought not to try it on because Passive Bride loves it so much. No, no, try it on says Passive Bride. Yes, you can guess what happened. And ackward scene number two happens as these women start to realize the complexity of being engaged at the same time planning two weddings.

Wedding Location

This is of course the main tension of the movie. A screw up happens and they get booked on the same day and time. This is fine at a large hotel which services two brides at once... .but NOT OK when you're supposed to be maid of honor for each other at the exact same moment.

The interesting thing to me was out Assertive Bride tried to claim the coveted wedding location (Plaza Hotel in New York) means so much because it was the "only happy memory from her childhood." Can we say emotional trumpcard?? (We don't really know what happens to her parents but it sounds like as girls, they along with their parents went to a gorgeous Plaza wedding and sometime later, her parents died.)

Passive Bride says how she doesn't make NEARLY as much money as Assertive Bride (Teacher Vs. Lawyer) and has been saving since she was 15 years old for her Plaza Hotel. Money trump card or perhaps just, "I have been working harder for this than you have because I've been actually saving hard earned cash while you could easily afford anything, anytime."

Wedding Party

The final thing I'll note about the movie was the role of the Maid of Honor. While it is definitely important for some people to have a very engaged wedding party, this is not true of all brides. My best girl friends were all out of town, so my mom and I did all the planning. I never went to more than one wedding vendor because I got all word of mouth referrals (saved me tons of time.) I did no "DIY" projects that take a lot of time and usually require the help of others. No family is in town except my parents so I had a small shower with lots of gifts (shipped from out of town... pretty ackward though much appreciated.)

Top ways to increase your wedding planning stress

Wondering how to make wedding planning more stressful? There is plenty (including on our wedding relationships website) on how to REDUCE the stress but there isn't a lot on how to INCREASE it! Send this snarky blog to your friends in wedding land.

Here is a short sampling of ways you can ensure more wedding stress, fights, and strained relationships throughout your wedding planning adventures.

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

#7 - Pick your wedding party really quickly, without any thought to their personality, to their life phase right now, or to their financial and job situation. It's also a great idea to not ask what your in-laws expect out of family being in the wedding party to maximum full family drama and stress

#6 - If a loved one disagrees with you, complain loudly that this is YOUR day and then complain loudly and frequently to everyone who will listen. It's best to give maximum mental and emotional energy to every tiny disagreement, even if it really doesn't matter to you if the other person wants something more than you

#5 - Be sure to hold back all your stress until you finally go on a date night with your spouse-to-be. Wait til the dinner is served and then rip into your family, your future-inlaws, and make the entire date turn into a huge wedding stress vent

#4 - Make sure you don't talk with your spouse-to-be before meeting with vendors to clarify what your values, wants and needs are so you get pulled into their sales pitch and agree to the most expensive package they offer. Who needs a wedding budget??

#3 - Use "I" statements with difficult people. They'll love being called a brat, impossible, insensitive, or rude, as long as you say "I feel you are a brat"

#2 - Be sure, brides, to encourage your fiance to share his wedding opinions but then be sure to shut him down or complain about how incompetent he is, or how much he's procrastinating, or how he just "doesn't understand weddings"

#1 - Make sure this wedding is ALL ABOUT YOU, even if it means creating family cut-offs, screaming at your in-laws, ruining your relationship with your spouse-to-be, or threatening your parents or in-laws that they will never get to see their future grandchildren

So much untapped talent in wedding land

I'm starting the arduous task of building advertising on our website so we can continue to build our wedding relationship website. I am an internet bride and I know what I like and don't like. I am thrilled to be finding very unique businesses that get hidden away in "special category" pages in some random city or state page. The reality is advertising is prohibitively expensive for many in the wedding industry. This is really bad news for you, trying to have as many wedding planning choices at your disposal. One tiny ad on theknot.com can be $120-$150 per month. And that gives you one little listing in one little category in one city of one state. As a knottie I know many of us do not visit those vendor listings! But they bill themselves as 3 million visitors a month (nevermind only 2.1 million weddings happen a YEAR).

But the reality is there are more options than you realize. It's a question of where to find these unique people or websites or products? Like us - we were boosted by winning a Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter award, and getting some great publicity, but ultimately where do we break from being "yet another wedding directory website."

Well, I'm proud to say we're the only purely wedding relationship website out there. I'm proud that our advice is the only one that comes from a deep understanding of couples and families and the ugly reality of "family life." All the communication skills in the world won't help with crazy Uncle Bob. You can't tell him he's crazy and therefor not invited to the wedding. He doesn't think he's crazy, he'll go to his sibling (your mom or dad), and grandparents, and create world war 3 in your family. So what do you do? There are options - we help you sort through that sort of thing on our website and in our wedding relationship book. Visit our website often - there is so, so much more to share.

Most advice out there is the same old, same old. It just doesn't come from a grounded reality, from a sense that your wedding is the beginning of your *marriage*, and in MARRIAGE, life is yucky, your relationship isn't just a private affair, and sometimes it's better to let things go than create more drama in the name of "this is my day, my way!"

There is a lot of passion out there of people wanting to offer their talents, products, or services to engaged couples. And the wedding industry is set up in such a way that it's nearly impossible for start-ups to get in the door. (Especially of web-based, national small businesses.) That leaves us with the same old, same old vendors in the same websites, same magazines and same print directories. Those vendors are probably awesome - but at some point there is only 52 weekends a year and only so many weddings you can book. The "free listings" for wedding vendors is a bit of a rouse - those want to get the traffic going so they can sell expensive ads around the free ads. This of course leads to a cluttery mess and information overload.

Nobody is trying to screw over anyone. It's just the nature of it. When aunts and uncles and moms and dads stopped having the backyard wedding, with homemade wedding cake, near potluck quality food, flowers from the garden and simple wedding invitations - things got more fun, more expensive and more intense! Too bad there are a lot of losers in the equation.