The First Dance | Wedding Relationship Help | Premarital Counseling

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2010-04-16T16:41:00.001-05:00

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Lots of Changes!

2010-02-24T15:39:00.003-06:00

Greetings blog readers. I've been very neglectful as I spent the rest of November working on a website redesign. December was unproductive being a full time mom, followed by unexpected arm surgery and an annoying recovery. But finally, the new design is live! I've still got some glitches, but do you ever get so tired of a project you just release it with errors rather than keep holding it back?

New too, are fantastic wedding vendors who believe in strengthening your marriage. They get free advertising in exchange for giving WEDDING DISCOUNTS to engaged couples who may qualifying purchases on our website. Even if couples do their own marriage prep, two unique offerings still apply: Take Back Your Wedding, our book, for $12.99, and the Money Attitudes game, $25, used by the Army and thousands of financial planners, educators, non-profits to help people get underneath their values around money. Basically for $10 or more, depending on what you do, we can literally save you hundreds of dollars!

I'm glad to be back to blogging. Watch for more soon. I promise.

Justifying a wedding (financially)

2009-11-09T10:29:00.004-06:00

One of my passions is to "defend" a wedding against attacks of superficiality, materialism, or over-consumption. Why? Because I believe RITUALS are extremely powerful and we have almost none in America. A prom is probably the first ritual (or debutant ball if you're in the south.) High school and college graduations are rituals, and funerals are rituals. But notice most are very public for a mass of people, and then one is a last-minute, sad event where someone has to DIE for the event to happen.

So here we sit, my husband and I. We're on a new, slow ramp to more financial freedom after taking massive pay cuts to switch careers (more soul-fulfilling but not so good at bill-paying!) We're going to acquire a small pot of money from an estate sale and the question is what to do with the money.

Sometimes this is when your parents agree to put a chunk into your wedding. Or perhaps you're considering taking on a second job, or consulting gig, or dipping into savings, to help bring in more cash for your big day. No matter the situation, it is a very vulnerable thing to put a lot of money into ONE day, particularly when it's not a single object with great financial loan options (like with cars or homes.) In our situation, we're considering remodeling our basement (doing all the labor ourselves, which will save a lot of money.)

Some of the emotion is inside your head. "A basement remodel?" It sounds so silly compared to what we could spend our money on. We could all go to the dentist (no dental insurance), we could upgrade my car (small sedan and our tall kids legs are up against the front seats), on and on. But we spend 90% of our non-kid time (evenings and naptimes) in the basement and it would greatly improve not just our daily lives but our home value and family life as the kids get older.

In the case of a wedding, you hear all the comments. Flowers die in a day. The dress can only be worn once. Guests don't use the favors. A cake is eaten and gone. You're only in the limo for a short time.

On the flip side, every vendor has a sale pitch to counter any negative thoughts. Flowers/music/food set the entire TONE of the day. The dress is an icon of a wedding and can be passed on for generations. The music is what makes the experience enjoyable for guests.

Money. Such a frustrating, fascinating topic. We all have our patterns of how we spend or save, and we all have opinions on how OTHERS should spend or save! This is one reason we're happy to sell our Money Habitudes card game - a fantastic way to quickly, easily, and without feeling bad (or overly proud), figure out your own money motivations as well as your partners. Check it out and maybe get your friends to do the game, or your parents. I was surprised to learn how much money represents security and safety to me, because I'm sort of frugal, but not to the point of overly spending time on bargain hunting, or "DIY projects." Growing up babysitting, I was able to afford spending a summer in Europe on my $2/hour babysitting jobs, which just sat in the bank account!

How have YOU justified the money or are you having issues defending your decisions? Do comment!

The secret sauce of weddings

2009-10-23T11:40:00.003-05:00

Here at The First Dance, we care deeply about relationships. This includes the married couples relationship, the connections with their parents, extended family, and friends. Weddings can require the diplomacy of a United Nations Summit, and yet our culture offers little in the way of real help beyond "it's your day, do what you want." This is why we created our website, book, classes, and this is what we love to tackle!

No matter how much or little you spend on your wedding, one of the biggest tragedies of a "great wedding" is something you can actually control (unlike impossibly controlling parents, jealous friends, or the weather.) It's called FLOW.

What do we mean by flow? Flow is when the entire experience is smooth and hospitable for everyone involved. It means people feel comfortable where they're supposed to be, knowing what is going on, and having things develop (food, toasts, music) in a logical, timely fashion. Many weddings lack flow because it requires managing every single aspect of the guest experience and how the event will unfold. Many large events other than weddings also live or die on "flow" which is probably one of many reasons event planners are hired by companies because the event can't risk being executed poorly.

This is where a wedding coordinator, event planner, or experienced friend can help out. Whether you're spending $5,000 or $100,000 on your big day, FLOW can be more important to the success or failure of how much fun guests have and how well all the pieces are put together.

Here is a very short list of flow in action. These are from the point of view of wedding guests. I have experienced a large number of these myself and you probably have too. Comment on other experiences you've had as a wedding guest!

• You are twenty minutes late to the ceremony because there was no map, or there was unpredicted road construction, or the map provided was so poor you got lost (thankfully the 3 minute ceremony was delayed because a set of grandparents was also completely lost....)

• You’re friends with BOTH the bride and groom and get flustered when the usher asks “which party” you belong to in order to figure out which side of the pews you should sit at?

• You get to the ceremony and have no idea where to park or what door to enter

• After the ceremony you and everyone around you has no idea if they’re supposed to stand up, wait for others to stand first, or have no idea where to go when you do stand up?

• Have you been pulled away to help with some task, leaving your date to sit or stand alone, because you are needed for something unexpected?

• Have you argued with your date about how much time you have to linger after the ceremony before getting to the reception because neither of you has a clue when it starts or how long it takes to get there?

• Ever been stressed out to race to get to the reception because you are afraid your group of 6 friends won’t be able to find a seat together if you hang out too long after the ceremony?

• Wondered what the bride and groom were thinking assigning you a table with people you had nothing in common with?

• Ever had to walk around 15-20 tables, trying not to bump into people with food in their hands, grumbling as you have to walk AROUND every table, trying to find your name?

• Ever been excited about who is at your table, only to sit down and not be able to see the people across from you because of the centerpieces? Then you realize no matter where you move the centerpiece, you’re blocking someone?

• Ever wonder when it’s safe to step away to the bathroom, or make a quick call, or get some fresh air away from the crowds, but are afraid you’re going to miss something important at the wedding reception?

Cruise for your marriage!

2009-09-29T16:20:00.004-05:00

It is really fun to meet someone in person, and then get to know them better via Social Media! I met Michelle Gannon, a licensed psychologist based out of San Francisco a few years ago at a marriage conference. I'm sorry I corrupted her young kids by mentioning the Coke museum (we were in Atlanta) but I did score them some soda and adventures!

Michelle is one of our early Marriage Friendly Therapists and The First Dance therapists. She is the Founder of Marriage Prep 101- Workshops for Engaged, Newlywed and Seriously Dating Couples that she teaches with her husband, Dr Patrick Gannon.

She is active on Twitter and just started a new blog where she discusses relationships and women's issues. Lots of fun topics.

And...if you are not able to travel to San Francisco for their workshops you can join the Gannons on a cruise during Valentine's Day weekend! Sail roundtrip from Miami to colorful Key West, and then beaches of Cozumel while learning how to create the best relationship possible. The coolest thing is this is for ALL couples of all ages and stages so if it sounds romantic and helpful, do sign up! I love talking to Michelle on Twitter and even taught her how to live chat on Facebook. I wish I could go but with two small children and my husbands new marriage counseling practice, the timing won't work out this year.

This is a real couple, full of humor, reality, and are not afraid to talk about their OWN marriage struggles. Do check them out!

How Ikea is like Wedding Planning

2009-09-09T13:38:00.003-05:00

My husband, a marriage therapist, just opened a new office. This has meant a lot of trips to Ikea, a lot of shopping for things we haven't purchased ever, or in a long time. And it means figuring out the style you want, how much we are willing to spend for that style, and the needs of the couples who go to him for counseling. It also means figuring out how to pay for all the new furniture.

For those who have an Ikea near them, you know it's a great place to get very affordable furniture, textiles, and miscellaneous decorative items like mirrors, vases, storage units, etc. Some say it isn't "real furniture" because it's not top quality. Their mission is to provide great style and functionality at a highly competitive price. And it fits many peoples budgets.

When couples and their families begin wedding planning they usually know it's going to be expensive, or they know they will have to make tough choices to keep the prices down. But there is nothing quite so startling as searching for something related to your wedding (whether it's photography, the dress, food, rentals) and being shocked at the prices. Weddings are a once a lifetime thing (hopefully) so you don't have the "Ikea brand" to know if you're really in a low end or high end place. And the thing about Ikea is if THEIR prices shock you, it is a one-two punch of first sticker shock, then extra shock knowing those are the CHEAPEST prices you will find anywhere.

Often the first place you get wedding sticker shock will not completely depress you because you still naively believe you can find the same things for less elsewhere. It is only in digging around that you find lower prices usually mean lower quality, fewer extras, or a "cheap look". The trick for most of us is to get somewhere inbetween not expensive and not too cheap looking.

So next time your parent, fiance, or friend cop an attitude with you about decisions you've made that seem too expensive, remind them they gone though the same sticker shock in buying a car, a new suit, a house, finding an affordable college, or any number of other things people often do rarely. Even if they still freak out on you, be calm knowing they are staying at "sticker shock" land instead of doing their own research and realizing you may have actually gotten a fantastic deal. And if it's a single friend, be extra relaxed while you wait for them to some day plan their own wedding and call you up freaking out about how expensive everything is and how they had no idea.

Watch for a You Tube video hopefully soon on this topic of money and why weddings are expensive! It's being designed for parents to get a greater understanding of the wedding industry and why it is not the same as when they got married.

Wedding Ceremony Music

2009-08-30T16:54:00.003-05:00

I was just "surfing" on Twitter and came upon pianists who are local to my state (Minnesota) but make fantastically popular piano music, including wedding music!

I played piano for 18 years and lucked out having an amazing pianist at our church who invented an impromptu Bridal March for me and played a ragtime piece for our walk down the aisle together after the ceremony. Ragtime - never would have thought of it but it was fantastic.

Great piano music here and if you buy anything through this link, you're also supporting our efforts at The First Dance to support and strengthen new marriages. Help your wedding (or nerves - they have really relaxing music for sale on MP3 download or CD's).

In fact this makes me want to email the piano brothers! I'll blog about it if I do land an interview with them! :)

Where to store wedding cards?

2009-08-27T13:12:00.003-05:00

If you haven't joined Twitter you should. I met a fantastically creative woman named Marni on there and she's graciously answered some cool questions for us on what to do with your wedding cards.

I was really surprised how many cards I got at my engagement and then the flood that come by themselves (often with money, weee!) and always with a gift. Some of them of course just have a name, but some have great notes in them.

The nice thing about wedding cards is even if they're in a big plastic tote (ahem...) there is still time to sort through the ones you'd want to store in a more creative way. I'm all about making and keeping memories alive. I'm also into living in a beautiful space with art around. You can combine the two with a creative card box!

Happy card sorting!

The cost of doing business

2009-08-24T15:56:00.005-05:00

I was just reading a wedding planner blog and found this fantastic paragraph that I want to highlight. The reason this caught my eye is:

1 - you can put yourself in the shoes of a wedding planner and see how many "HOURS" are put into the simple, 'day of coordination'

2 - you can see how their fee, worked backwards, pays them almost nothing

3 - you can then see why low fees mean you get low paid vendors, which means... you either get someone without a lot of experience (which is fine if you are aware of that), or someone who isn't really math saavy who may be overcommiting and going to get burned out real fast when they realize they aren't making enough money to survive and be passionate about what they do!

$8-9/hour, depending on where you live, is most likely going to be unskilled labor. Fast food, retail, someone who files papers.

If you want to get someone with tremendous experience at complex events like weddings you are going to have to pay well, with the idea that you are going to get a lot more for your money.

The paragraph is taken from this wedding planning blog.

Charge what you are worth. Take time to figure out how much money you want to make per hour then multiply it times 3. That is a very rough estimate of what your clients need to pay you. You will pay almost 30% for taxes alone plus all your business expenses before you can pay yourself. For example, if you charge $500 for wedding day coordination that includes the final walk-through, rehearsal and 10 hours on the wedding day plus a few meetings with your bride, creating time lines and confirming vendors, you end up with around $25 or so per hour before taxes/expenses. Take your taxes and business expenses from that and you make about $8-$9 hour. AND that does not include paying an assistant. Isn't all your hard work worth more than that? I sure hope so, even as a novice.

Amazing relationship technique

2009-08-14T13:31:00.002-05:00

This is a technique used by many marriage counselors and by folks who have what I call a "high emotional intelligence." Many of us use this technique in a work setting without realizing it and without translating the skill to our personal life.

It goes like this:

Bride: "YOU DIDN'T CALL THE LIMO COMPANY? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? We're a MONTH away from the wedding and I asked you to do this 11 MONTHS AGO?"

Let's process the reaction they're going to get. The groom is going to be extremely defensive, right? He's also likely to be pissed that he's getting yelled at. However he responses with those emotions varies from guy to guy. Some guys are going to just walk out the door. Some guys will get defensive, attack the bride back, or try to ignore the tension completely. She's going to take her current state of emotions and they'll jump 100x more forceful in response to his reaction.

Now let's think through our brides emotions, and simply shift our word choice, and our tone. Instead of freaking out about HIM and what HE DIDN'T DO, let's focus on the only thing she can honestly talk about: her feelings.

What is she feeling? Probably scared there will be no limos left for her wedding day. Vulnerable to the fact that she can't control everything. Frustrated and feeling distrustful that when her groom agreed to do something, he didn't. That leads to feeling helpless. If he can't even do something he agreed to, then she's really got to take over and that makes her feel sad and powerless.

Notice all those are about HER, not him? So let's change the conversation around.

"We don't have a limo? Oh my gosh. That makes me so scared there won't be any left. I'm feeling so helpless right now that I get a promise from you and it didn't happen. I need to you know that I'm SERIOUSLY FREAKING OUT NOW and feeling let down that you promised and didn't follow through."

Then STOP. That is the magic. Express yourself. Then STOP. Wait for his response. Don't keep the verbal diarhea going.

Now he's going to respond to your VULNERABILITY. He's going to hear you're scared, you're feeling let down, you're feeling helpess. This gives him an opening to express his vulnerability. He probably feels like a total jerk. He probably feels like a loser for forgetting or procrastinating. He might also be extremely frustrated that he had no idea limos book up and that he was supposed to do this months ago. And he might also now feel COMPLETELY HELPLESS on what to do and how to manage your emotions, plus his.

Once you hear his side, you've all put your eggs on the table and can work together, as a team, to figure out where to put your emotions and how to get the limo fixed. And hopefully in the process you've realized by never attacking, even if it's extremely tempting, you are guarenteed to get better results.

If you have tried this, or find you have the same fights over and over, reward yourself with some premarital counseling (or marriage therapy). We have fantastic counselors all over the nation that love to help strenthen the bond between two commited individuals. We also have books and an online inventory to help you two lay out your strengths and areas of growth opportunity. See our premarital counseling page.

The Last Name Change Dilemma

2009-08-13T09:59:00.002-05:00

I have been mulling over, and finally wrote about the name change issue brides face. It's a "hot topic" because you can't say anything without offending someone. But underneath the various reasons people do, or don't, change their name, is the recognition that it isn't easy. Whether you chose to keep your own name and your inlaws refuse to acknowledge it, writing to you as "Mrs. Aaron Smith" instead of Jennifer Petra, or your feminist girlfriends are horrified that you've been taken over by a man, if you chose to change your last name, rarely do we find someone who isn't surprised at our decision.

What we at The First Dance care deeply about is the conversations that take place, first between bride and groom. Mutually listening to each persons vantagepoint, coming to a solid decision, both agreeing on that decision, and then holding firm, defending the choice against people who might have negative opinions. In the situation above, the groom, if he knows his parents are going to be wigged out by his bride not changing her name, must have a sit down conversation with his parents and get them to understand this is their decision as a couple and whether they like it or not, this is the way it is. It is not fair for a bride to have to navigate conflictual waters with her in-laws. Nor is it fair for her to be offended every time they address her with a wrong last name only to have her groom shrug and say, "why are you making such a big deal of it?" It is a big deal and he's got to take action.

As you'll read in the article, I felt strongly about changing my last name, but I also loved my maiden name. I know few friends who haven't had the emotiona struggles, even if they were as confident as I was in what I was going to do.

Wedding DJ Ideas and Wisdom

2009-08-04T09:39:00.004-05:00

In our new routine of seeking out professionals in every aspect of wedding planning, we have a fabulous Q&A with an LA DJ company. I laughed out loud, I gasped at some stories, and all around I am much more informed, even though I've already gotten married and didn't think I could really learn THAT much more.

Take a look at the wedding DJ wisdom. Share any stories you have or just share that web page with your fellow engaged friends!

Keeping the Romance Alive while Wedding Planning

2009-07-30T10:03:00.004-05:00

We have a romance expert to share some of her thoughts on romance, particularly during wedding planning season. It's such a tough balance, between jobs, errands, life, trying to still date, and then spending many hours getting details in order for the big day.

One thing that often surprises couples is how the wedding starts to take a toil on their relationship. Before being engaged, a date was just about the two of you. After being engaged, the date may come with sticky conversations about difficult parents, or jealous siblings, or a mismatch in expectations for the wedding. The relationship is in the adolescent phase. You're not married yet, but you're not just single. It's a tricky situation to be in, no matter how long you've been together.

I can say, a few years into marriage with two kids, those dates you have will stick in your memory, even if you have less time to do them. There were many times my husband and I would walk around the local lakes, only for my low blood pressure to cause me problems and we'd have to find a bench. Annoying at the time, but pretty funny how we could never quite manage to walk all the way around a lake without a pause. It became part of the expectation of those dates, which were sometimes quite stressful as we tried to talk through the Stuff of Married Life. But they were important conversations and we moved forward in our relationship because of them. (For more conversations, we have an amazing self-guided premarital counseling book designed for date/conversations. Check it out.)

Those little moments of life are always grander than the big plans. Hopefully your wedding is amazing, but it is just one day of many, many romantic days you should plan for! If you haven't yet set your honeymoon plans, check out our interactive guide to get the two of you on the same page for what exactly you want from the honeymoon (and we don't just mean THAT....)

Enjoy our great questions and answers on romance during wedding planning from a romance expert! May her wisdom instill the passion in you to keep your love alive.

Wedding Invitations, the Stress, Fun, and Keepsake

2009-07-22T11:37:00.002-05:00

Wedding invitations. You go into your wedding plans either knowing what you want, not having a clue, or thinking you know what you want and end up somewhere totally different.

I went into my wedding not wanting to waste money on invitations. It wasn't a high priority, and we were just fine printing them off ourselves, thank you very much. But, as always seems to happen, while flipping through a wedding magazine I happened upon a full page ad for wedding invites. I don't think I gasped, but I almost did. I stared. And stared. And became entranced. These were nothing like I'd seen before! I loved the color! I loved the font! I loved the extremely simple yet very, very classy design. I went to the website of the designer, found two retail stores in my entire state, and decided to make a trip to visit them "in person."

I was so innocent as the sales lady gave me the price. I can't remember the exact number, but I believe it would have been about $4,000 for 150 invitations. This was almost half of my ENTIRE BUDGET! I asked if it anything could make them cheaper. Nope. The entire invite was a designer who trademarked the whole thing. It was that or nothing.

But the seed had been planted. I could no longer go from that invitation to plain white invites printed off the computer. I asked the sales lady for other unique invitations and she gave me a few books. Nope, nope, nope, nope, flipping page after page after page. But then I stumbled upon a FABULOUS invitation! Yes, this was it. Unique, funky, but not too weird. Just the right balance of zip and class.

My husband came with me another time and he agreed they were fabulous, especially after looking at the same books and seeing what was out there. We proceeded to "stalk" our invitations, stopping by several times on date nights, just to see how pretty they were.

They were more expensive than we had originally planned, but we came to see how vital they were to setting the tone and mood of the wedding. In fact we got a TON of compliments and we even had guests of his mom call HER to say how great the invitations were.

I've asked some great, unique wedding invitation questions of a wedding invitation designer. Check it out and I hope you get inspired!

Wedding Tuxedos

2009-07-21T11:17:00.003-05:00

Women often race to the wedding dress shops as soon as they get engaged. Men on the other hand? The tuxedo shopping may be exciting or it may be one of the most dreary tasks since it not only involves him but his bestman, groomsmen, and trying on clothes.

We asked a tuxedo rental company for some advice and got some great answers! They mentioned the tuxedo shop being the meeting place before the rehearsal dinner and that is exactly right! It was wild to go to my local mall and run into our wedding party (the men, anyway), as they were walking to and out of, the tux rental shop. They were all out of towners, so it was an extra stress that they had been fitted properly, planes were on time, and they could get to the shop before it closed.

I remember not having many opinions at all and being glad I wasn't a man. I knew I wanted my groom in a tux and fortunately he wanted one as well. All those details of a suit were lost on me, but I was lucky that he cared. In fact it was a bit of a role reversal - not really wanting to be there for long, bored, wishing I could be anywhere else.

Hope the Q&A on wedding tuxedo rentals on our website is as interesting to you as it was to me. Enjoy!

How weddings are like jeans

2009-07-02T15:00:00.004-05:00

I am down to one last pair of jeans. I've either worn them out, my husband got paint all over one pair, and somehow, here I am. The jean shopping experience is again in my future. Fortunately I have a few months of summer left.

Jeans are a great analogy to weddings because of all the diversity, viewpoints, and pressures, both social and financial, to chose one type or another.

On the one hand, jean shopping, like weddings, should be very rational. Find your budget, figure out your requirements, match your budget and requirements, and out come the right jeans, or the "wedding you should have."

But we know it's never that simple. Sometimes the options you first see are either priced wrong, or don't "excite you". You know there must be more! Then often you find something gasp inducing in its glory. Maybe it's The Jean With All Your Requirements. Or it's the exact wedding invites you've been looking for, down to the type font, exact shade of paper color and size.

At this point either the price tag makes you gasp again and rethink your original requirements, or you mention your discovery to a friend who has an instant opinion. "Ooh, you have GOT to check out this!" Or I found the best deal here (regardless of whether that place has what you're actually looking for.)

You are often educated on all the options you didn't know exist and the benefits thereof (sure the jeans are crazy expensive but not only will they look amazing on you but they'll last so much longer!) Or instead of one flavor of cake, go with three separate tiers with a flavor each (thereby tripling the discussions, confusion and potential cost, though adding the ever-desired ability to make everyone happy.) You hadn't thought about three flavors before! You didn't really think about the long lasting wear of a high quality jean.

The next stage is usually over saturation of options, prices, requirement questioning, and sometimes, as is often the case for me, the desire to wax poetic about "the old fashioned days" where you could go to the store and just buy A PAIR OF JEANS. You didn't have 120 choices of cut, style, waist fit, zipper or button, shade, pocket placement.

When you're at this stage there is nowhere to turn. Your best bud is not over saturated and is quick to give you her opinion. The sales person just wants to make a sale and has all the ways to talk you out of competing opinions. Your fiance or spouse has never cared that much, or at this point only cares that you SHUT UP already and make a decision. That of courses ticks you off and now you've just notched up your stress.

Some of us will then grab the first thing we have time to get, whether it fits our requirements or price. Others of us will just stop altogether and return to the task some time in the future when we're not so uncertain. And others of us will do what we always do - focus on price (whether that is the frugal price or the highest price because we believe price always reflects quality.) And still others of us will let the sales person convince us and with exhaustion, hand over the credit card because we just don't care anymore.

What is your wedding theme?

2009-06-30T13:42:00.003-05:00

What is the theme of your wedding? And I don't mean colors or style. I mean, is your wedding planning going well? Are you and your fiance getting along well? Are your parents thrilled for your marriage? Are they stressed about how to pay for the wedding? Are they bickering at every little idea you float about the wedding?

Unfortunately, I've seen time and again in both the weddings I've been involved with and the weddings I hear talked about that I didn't attend, the REAL wedding theme may have nothing to do with the wedding. "His parents weren't able to attend because they insisted on having a destination wedding." "Her mom went wacko and the bride and her barely spoke the entire twelve month engagement." "Sure, it was a pretty wedding but you didn't hear how the parents fought nonstop, causing enormous stress on their daughter the entire time?"

It is easy, I know, to brush off all that wedding stress as "normal". It's easy to say that events are going to make people crazy, but at the end of the day what matters is you have a beautiful wedding (and marriage.)

But just remember, the wedding itself is going to be roughly six hours. Your engagement is likely to be about a year. And the REAL theme of your wedding is going to last your entire marriage. The beginning of your marriage does not begin at the alter but at the proposal. All those interactions you have today may haunt you for years to come.

Always stop and consider whether someone's grand wishes may just be more important for your current sanity and for your long term marriage than your need to have a "my day, my way" wedding.

Learn more at The First Dance. And if you need to, talk with a premarital counselor who will be able to help you navigate the complex family stuff happening in your wedding plans. Or at the VERY least take a powerful online premarital inventory that may help you figure out why you're so stressed as you build your new marriage and enter a new family (your in-laws.)

Wedding Registry for men!

2009-06-10T22:22:00.002-05:00

I am a guest blogger for a great wedding registry for men website! Check out our latest blog on their website.

The Man Registry has an unbelievably cool selection of gift ideas for not just the groom, best man, groomsmen, but also for fathers and male friends. You can also get great tips and follow them on twitter! Check out TheManRegistry.com for Fathers Day! Support a small business in the process.

Happy shopping!

Writing Thank You Notes

2009-06-10T13:18:00.003-05:00

I was just inspired to share tips on how to write thank you notes! It's not about the etiquette but how to feel GOOD about your wedding thank you notes. You may still dread doing them, but hopefully your writers block will be lessed.

I'm still both happy, intrigued, and a little embarassed that both my mom and my mother-in-law were CALLED on the phone by their friends who shared how much they enjoyed my thank you notes. One woman even shared my note with my mother-in-law, she was that impressed.

I'm not positive what I did differently than others, but the article will hopefully give you some perspective on what went on in my head. I write for cash gifts, thank yous from gifts you registered for, gifts from strangers (friends of parents), and gifts you hate!

http://www.thefirstdance.com/weddingthankyounotes.php

Wedding Planning on a 5K budget

2009-06-09T12:14:00.005-05:00

I'm just starting the idea of a 5K budget. What would you REALLY do? I am creating a challenge for myself and am looking for input from anyone.

The rules for "my" 5K wedding are to follow the core of what I valued in my actual marriage 5 years ago. These rules include:

1 - we would still invite who we invited. 125 showed up, I'd have to order 100 invitations (we had tons of social invites of people who would never travel.) I had and still have no interest in a tiny wedding. I'd rather go without some things than not invite people.

2 - we still would not have an outdoor affair. my husband has a long line of overly-warm people so the idea of being in a tux and sweating doesn't appeal to him. I hate bugs and sweating as well. We had a fall wedding and would still have a fall wedding. (too many southerners for our northern winters.)

I have some ideas but this is the month where I'm full time with our small children and don't have as much time - the end of June I'll be more free.

This blog is for people to comment. What would _YOU_ do, have done, with each category of weddings? Photography? Cake? Dress? Favors? Reception location? Obviously 5K requires a lot of creativity which likely means you'd have some very local ideas. But we'll start where we start and I'll build my own new wedding within $5,000. It was $12,000 before!

Comment on this blog and I'll be building via this blog as well as on the website.

The "I Don't Care" Blues

2009-06-03T13:44:00.004-05:00

This blog is dedicated to all the potential, current, or past fights you have had as an engaged couple around wedding planning. The most common way this goes is like this.

bride, "OK honey, next action item is to figure out flowers. What do you think?"

groom, "I don't care."

Bride is then left with a few emotions, sometimes conflicting. These might include:

Relief - one thing she doesn't have to coordinate his schedule and get his time to do!

Annoyance - she also DOES NOT CARE about flowers, but apparently she has to care because he's said (or so she thinks...) that he wants nothing to do with them.

Relief AND annoyance because she loves flowers but this yet ANOTHER thing he "doesn't care about" and she wonders if he'll have any opinion on anything??

So where does the problem arise? I will never forget the holiday party with my coworker who was there with her fiance. The groom was The Classic Groom who cared about nothing. Especially the flowers. Until the FLOWER COLOR meant his bride wanted him to wear a pink vest with his tuxedo. Then he REALLY cared. And she was at the end of planning, had the entire color scheme and vision set months prior. He felt that she had no right to make him wear a feminine pink color. She felt that because he said he didn't care, he had no right to ruin her color theme. He felt that he had at least SOME say because this was HIS outfit, not hers. He left her alone for her dress, why does she have a right to control his clothes? She didn't see the big deal and was annoyed at his "childishness."

What was going on? He had no idea what the flower decision related to that he MIGHT care about. She had no idea that he might care about things related to the flower choices she made. Perhaps neither knew at the beginning that the color thing would play itself out.

What can you do instead of accept an "I don't care?"

1. Be honest with yourself. If you are carrying the wedding planning burden, consider each task and what you want and need. If you really want your fiance to be involved with something you know they likely don't care about, then you need to express yourself and figure out what is reasonable. Afterall, if he really could care less, is dragging him to 4 florists, spending 4 weekends really going to help you, him, your wedding and your relatinoship? Probably not. But what if you're just wanting some validation on your ideas? Then you might say something like, "Honey, I'm thinking about keeping the flowers in the season of our wedding... this will keep costs down. When I've figured out what I think I like, I would really like to bring you to the florist to show you. I know you may not really care, but it will make me feel better having your 5 minute participation and nod of approval."

He gets a very concrete action plan and the reason. Go to the florist. Approve flowers. Easy, easy! She didn't ask if he cared and won't come back to get angry that he isn't helping out. This is a very groom-friendly conversation.

2. Research, ask the vendor (florist, baker, etc) what other decisions are impacted by this decision. Your vendor will really help you figure out what your groom might care about. Examples might be:

photography - depending on how expensive yours is, it may limit photo time or impact whether you two see each other before your ceremony. your groom likely has SOME opinion on seeing hsi bride before the ceremony.

baker - grooms may often just care about the flavor, or may have an opinion on saving the top layer for the one year anniversary and maybe don't care about WHICH baker. Or maybe he loves cake and wants to get taste testings from EVERY baker. :)

bridesmaids dresses - may only impact the vests of the best man and groosmen. the groom may hate the color or not want his buddies to be in pink (see story above!)

save the dates - the groom may not care if or how the STD's are done but may have an opinion on WHEN they're sent out. He may know his friends need a huge forewarning because they are always busy, or make travel plans during your wedding season. He may also need to fully understand what an STD is - it is basically an INVITATION, set well in advance, and there is no turning back, no uninviting those people. And for friends who didn't get a STD, if there are shared friends, your groom needs to know NOW that it may be a bit ackward when friends talk and some are invited and some aren't. He may just have no clue about any of that.

3. If neither of you care, find out of any other person cares - a parent, a best friend, perhaps a good friend who isn't in the wedding party but LOVES, say, flowers, and would love nothing more than figuring out some great options and researching vendors and prices. You never know!

4. If neither of you care and nobody else cares, then TOGETHER figure out how to make a decision. Brides should never be the "default planner" if she is equally as uninterested as the groom. This leads to her resenting the groom or worse, resenting the wedding itself. There are many other future issues in your marriage that neither of you are going to want to do (garbage pick up?!) but it has to get done. You might as well figure out how to navigate the "neither of us care" problem in the wedding itself. Perhaps you wheel and deal - he takes three things neither of you care about but you then don't complain if he takes a more expensive bachelor party weekend than you're doing for your bachelorette party. Or you divide the "don't care" list in half. Or one of you is good at researching and the other is great at making decisions. Maybe you split the "dont care" list this way... one researches, the other decides and signs the contrats. Get creative.

Feel free to share your "don't care" story!

Marriage planner or Wedding Planner?

2009-05-21T09:46:00.004-05:00

We at The First Dance love what we do!

One fun challenge we have is convincing marriage educators that the wedding is NOT a distraction in a relationship but is the single BEST OPPORTUNITY for couples to begin hashing out the issues they're having around money, budget, general "project management" as a team (if it's not the wedding it'll be home buying or remodeling, trip planning, etc), family, in-laws, how they balance their relationship with the competing demands of wedding planning (later will be demands on just LIFE, jobs, family, etc.) People in the "marriage world" see weddings as an extremely materialistic distraction and often bemoan "if couples only spent 1/10th the time on their relationship as they do on the wedding........" It's fine to complain but if you're in your 50's, planned a simple cake and punch wedding 25 years ago, it might be hard to relate to the wedding culture today!

Wedding coordinators and event planners see first hand how wedding planning can get a little out of control. The worst situations are when these professionals just know the couple is not going to make it... they have "divorce" written all over them. It's hard to help people plan a wedding when you don't even know why or how they're going to be married! It can also be hard to love your profession, service, or product, and watch a bride (or her family) go off the deep end. You can't just say, "seriously, it's _JUST_ a cake woman, calm down!" because, well, as a cake baker you just can't!

So here's our story!

When I got engaged, as the daughter of a marriage and family therapist, I was DETERMINED to have an "intentional engagement" and not let the wedding take over. I was arrogant about the wedding industry and the experiences that some people seem to go through while planning their wedding.

Then time passed. Checklists grew. Wedding magazines piled up. And I knew.... I got it.

Comparing wedding planning to marriage planning is a bit like telling a pregnant woman to STOP WASTING TIME OR ENERGY on her pregnancy and delivery (because after all, that is just a blip of time.) It would be instead trying to tell her to focus on her PARENTING SKILLS and child development research. Now anyone who has had a child knows that is total crap! The biggest issue you face is all the pregnancy drama and the fear of having this baby! I remember HAVING my firstborn, as a tiny baby, and reading the parenting magazines getting super stressed out at all the issues parents of 4 year old's face. Or trying to comprehend HOW my tiny 8 pound baby was going to be doing all those things some day and absorbing the advice that had no relevance to me at the time. (I quickly realized I just had to ignore those entire sections, knowing when my kid became that age, the magazine would be more relevant.)

The wedding is THE event, just like the pregnancy and delivery is THE EVENT. The pressures you face are not about how much you love your fiance, but how you're going to juggle the demands of everyone in the family, get the budget figured out, buy, order, meet with vendors, and pull off an event bigger than you've EVER planned and likely EVER WILL AGAIN! The "event" you already succeeded at was FINDING, DATING, FALLING IN LOVE, and getting engaged to your partner.

But you know what's exciting about wedding planning? It's actually a wonderful "crash course" in your married life. Has your mom gone over the edge? Guess what, she might do that again if you chose to have children some day! Are your friends raging with jealousy and acting very odd? They may do that again and again if you get a bigger house than them, or have kids when they want kids, etc. Are you and your fiance fighting about a friend you hate and he loves to hang out with? Think BIGGER than the wedding guest list.... think about how much control you can or should have over your loved ones social life as a married couple.

The goal on our website is to help navigate the relationships but to also "translate" wedding speak into marriage speak. Our photography page, for example, helps you think about wedding photography as it relates to your marriage and future. How does the wedding party relate to your marriage? We write about that too in What your Wedding Party can Teach You About Marriage. And of course, we started the series with what wedding planning can teach you about marriage. We have more on the guest list, are writing more every day.

Check back soon to The First Dance!

What is premarital counseling?

2009-05-18T21:43:00.006-05:00

I just ran across a website with a fascinating view of premarital counseling and marriage preparation courses.

Waste of money, why would you pay someone to ask you both “what your dreams are?” If you don’t know by now why you are getting married. Don’t get married!

After I stop being shocked I did laugh a little. It is a frustration for many couples who are excellent communicators and in rock solid relationships to sit with a third person who asks questions that are just downright insulting. Um, you think we haven't talked about whether we want kids? "Yay, communication came out as our key strength. We could have told you that for FREE!"

But here's where the comment shows its ignorance. Marriage is NOT about your dreams. Marriage is about how you manage your money, your job, your stress, your notions of responsibility, fairness, equity. Marriage is about how you navigate your loyalties to your parents, spouse, kids, and your in-laws. Marriage is a nonstop relationship always in balance with all the other demands put on you as a person.

Marriage is about having SKILLS and abilities. It has little to do with dreams! Afterall, you can marry someone with the identical dream and still end up in a miserable marriage. Or you can marry someone whose dreams change after five years of marriage, but it doesn't matter because you still have a bond, a loyalty, and the skills to work through life changes.

So if you don't want to talk to anyone else, we have some fun at home options.

1 - The Ultimate Premarital Test - research based, over 2 million couples have taken this premarital inventory. It assesses 20 aspects of your relationship and gives you an excellent "view" of your relationship as it compares and contrasts to each of your own views of marriage and of how you grew up. It's online, you both take the test, and you get a huge personalized report.

2 - A new MONEY game. It's actually super easy and fun. It has a sort of Myers-Briggs feel to it, like are you THIS way or THAT way... you want to "win" but you realize it isn't about winning, it's about learning how your own mind and emotions work around money. It will also give you some "aha" moments as you plan your wedding with someone who may have very different beliefs about money.

3 - A 12 hour self-guided premarital counseling book designed and used by a paster for many years. He doesn't believe that HIS role as a pastor is to "tell couples" things. He believes that he can give couples an amazing, in depth experience where they share their own beliefs, values, visions and that in sharing in a deep way, their bond and understanding grow. It's worth checking out! You can make one date out of each "conversation" in the book! It has pages you rip out for each hour-long conversation. Minnesota couples can also do this in a group setting and get $70 off their Minnesota marriage license fee.

4 - If you're experiencing any wedding stress, Take Back Your Wedding is a great way to have a marriage counselor perspective of marriage and family life in book form. You will definitely learn new skills and ways to think about all the complex relationships in wedding planning (and married life.)

5 - And meeting with an experienced marriage counselor in person is always a useful thing. We have a list by state on our premarital counseling page.

A good book on love and fairness is:

Top Ways People CREATE Wedding Stress

2009-05-15T17:44:00.002-05:00

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

Read the rest at The First Dance!

Simple wedding budget tip

2009-05-02T20:58:00.003-05:00

If you know how much you can spend on a wedding dress, follow these rules:

tell your sales person that you can not go a penny over and do not want to see any dress above that rate
if you aren't sure of the wedding dress shop, call and find out their wedding dress options in YOUR price point. maybe call ones you know are high end to get a sense of how many dresses in your price point they would even carry
do not shop at stores where you've got free range to look at all dresses in all price points (or rather, do not look but let your sales person or wedding party pick out dresses in your price point)
find designers who sell dresses at your price point, then go to their websites and find the retailers that sell their dresses.
do not try on a high priced dress out of curiosity. It can sometimes really mess with our minds to see a high end item and all the sudden see our "favorite" in a new, less attractive light
do confirm if you have any restrictions from your religious institution
talk with your fiance on whether he has any strong feelings about general style (great example is whether the two of you agree on whether brides should have clevage or not!)
once you commit to a dress do NOT TRY ON ANY MORE WEDDING DRESSES. There is no faster way to lose money than to have to sell a dress because you bought a second one.

Fun Money Quiz

2009-04-03T22:41:00.003-05:00

This is a completely unscientifc quiz not about your wedding but your relationship! Whether you're living together or not, you know your fiance well. Let's see how you do. Each of you should answer these questions independently then see how well your answers match! You may not have had all the conversations about the questions below, but this is a great time to play a game and learn. Sometimes the questions are more interesting than the answers and can send you off into other conversations...hopefully not arguments!

I phrased these questions in a unique way to get you to get into your partners head rather than talk about your own views. I also designed this so if your fiance has NO time or interest in taking the test, you can still do YOUR side and see if they agree with you. :-) Just copy and paste this into an email, or book mark this site and talk out loud with each other answering the questions.

1. My fiance expects a conversation if one of us wants to spend more than _____ dollars (ex: $50, $100, $200, $500, $1,000.... etc) or put another way, my fiance would be super shocked and upset if I spent $_____ without talking with him/her first.

2. One thing my fiance would love for me to not spend money on but knows it's probably a lost cause is _____ (ex: expensive make up or lotions, computer games, high end clothing, upgrading electronics often, etc)

3. My fiance would say my parents have the following beliefs about money _______ (what they value, how they spend/save, etc)

4. My fiance was __________(ex: happy, surprised, upset, annoyed) to learn of my financial situation the first time we had a frank conversation about how much we made, our debt, our savings.

5. My fiance feels ____________ (great, ok, stressed, frustrated) about how our wedding is being paid for.

Ackward Conversations, Avoiding Wedding Drama

2009-03-31T20:00:00.003-05:00

One of the greatest things about being the daughter of a marriage and family therapist (who also TEACHES the subject at a university) is I've been given many tools in my life toolbox-of-ackward-conversations.

This tip works for weddings, business, friends, for vendors. The big word is "contextualizing" and what that means is instead of simply blurting out your stress, worry, or trying to figure out how to bring up something ackward, CONTEXTUALIZE it and you'll immediately be able to talk more calmly, feel less stupid, and avoid a lot of potential drama now and in the future.

So let's say you have chosen your wedding party but realize you have no idea what their role really is, or you're at the point where Ackwardness Begins, because you don't really want to burden them, or you have started to get push back from them and are feeling hurt! (They never have time for dress shopping, show no interest in searching for vendors, etc.)

A sample dialogue, ideally in person or on the phone may go as follows:

"Hey guys, I wanted to get together this coming week if we can arrange our schedules. I have been reading about all the wedding drama around wedding parties, and I want to avoid all that if I can so you guys don't resent me or I don't go bridezilla on you without knowing it."

You get together, and it could go something like this:

"Thanks for getting together! I'm sooooo excited that you guys are going to be in my wedding! In all my excitement I realize I never figured out what a wedding party is supposed to do, or what you guys even WANT to do. So, I thought I'd lay out a few traditional things and tell you what I'm feeling and get your feedback. I want this to be exciting and fun, not something you guys dread. I hope by being honest, you guys will be too so we can keep this fun but real... no pretending to be happy when we're miserable."

Then it's your turn to have researched what *YOU* hope, what you expect, and to be open, but vulnerable with them so they can be open and vulnerable with you. For example, "I really want you guys to go dress shopping with me, but I know it may not be that fun for you, or you are so busy the next month and I want to get this done soon. So, if you're able to squeeze in some time, I'd love it, but I also understand if you're busy and can find some other friends who may want to help out... what do you guys think? Is the dress shopping something you'd like to join me in or maybe you'd rather help with something later?"

The key is to not open the guilt trip, but get their HONEST answer! I feel so much pain for brides when their bridesmaids agree to go dress shopping and either cancel at the last minute, or just NO-SHOW! It's so much unnecessary pain if you had just found out your friends were so extremely stressed with work and have no real interest in the dress... then you could make other plans, or at least not personalize their lack of interest as being "anti-you"...

Don't take ANYTHING for granted... always "contextualize" your conversations so they are depersonalized and open up some honest discussions. A bad example would be to announce your dress plans, then be hurt they can't make it. Or to have them agree because you don't give them room to say they can't/don't want to, then get super hurt when they cancel or no-show. There could be a thousand other things going on that have nothing to do with you, and wouldn't you rather be honest and find people who honestly are excited for the dress even if they aren't in the wedding party?

Chosing a wedding dress

2009-03-19T13:50:00.003-05:00

One of the earliest things most brides do after getting engaged, is to start shopping for a wedding dress. This is one of the most exciting, girliest moments for a bride who will eventually get stuck chosing between a million choices of paper for invitations, flavors for cake, flowers, finding all the important vendors. Wedding dresses are one of the rare wedding tasks where you have a tactile experience, an extremely personalized experience (your very unique body on different dresses), and you ultimately have full control. Most other things you lose some control to "packages", or rules about number of invitations you have to buy (often in groups of 25), etc.

There are many elements that go into wedding dress shopping and sometimes they only strike a bride in the moment. Here are some common experiences!

Chosing the WRONG people to shop with you. Whether it's friends who show impatience and want to leave, or no-show for the shopping day, or friends whose style is very different from you. It could also be your mom who wants a very conservative look and you want a more strapless, sensual look.
Chosing the wrong wedding dress shop. Hopefully you have different options in your area and if you do, it's very likely you'll feel more comfortable in some over others. Some dress shops are very high end, where a purse would be the same cost as your entire wedding dress budget. You may also enter some stores and the sales staff is too young, or old, stuffy, or pushy. The dresses may be too busy, too simple, the lighting and dressing rooms may not be very well designed, or the store may be so busy you feel rushed and stressed out.
Your vision vs reality. Most of us have no real idea what style dress would look best on us. I remember trying on a very nice dress in a 1930's style. Apparently everyone in the store gasped and told my mom how the dress was meant for my body. Meanwhile another bride was trying on the same dress and her friends were trying to not gasp, in a "that is NOT for you" way.
Your body shape is not likely the model body shape. Whether you are so annoyed at your large, or small breasts, big hips, or no hips (if you want the curvy look), wedding dresses can be an infuriating experience! You want to look like A BRIDE, however you imagine that "look."
Indecision, insecurity, exhaustion. If you aren't confident after trying on a lot of dresses, you may start questioning if you're too picky, if you need to look at higher-end dresses, if you want to lose a lot of weight, or maybe you realize you need to bring other people to help you out. Some brides completely exhaust their friends. I know of a bridesmaid who was yelled at by the bride for not going on a THIRD weekend long out of town trip to dress shop. The bridesmaid didn't have the money and did not think it necessary to leave, for a third time, because the bride was indecisive.

Don't forget with all of the stuff that happens, you also want to make sure you're clear with the dress style and location of your ceremony and reception. You also want to make sure you and your fiance have agreed on the general look so if he is like my brother, who WANTED to wear a tux (that was part of his vision of being a groom), that your dress is not so casual you look imbalanced. Similarly a very glittery, fancy wedding dress should probably not be paired with kahki pants and a casual shirt.

Good luck! And for more help on all the interpersonal dynamics that happen at EVERY SINGLE turn in wedding planning, our book has increased confidence of countless engaged couples. It's called Take Back Your Wedding and is available on Amazon or our website.

Too many choices?

2009-03-15T22:15:00.002-05:00

I went to the Twin Cities Bridal Fair today, one of the largest fairs in the nation. I love going to see who is there, see the sights, etc.

I know that the magazines and online wedding directories can be overwhelming (theknot.com can easily have 20 pages of photographers, with about 10 per page....) So the question I ask myself is HOW DO YOU DECIDE? So I'll write something up on the website soon, outside blog format, but if you have ideas, let me know... how should someone try to figure out who to select??

Best Mints

2009-03-12T20:45:00.003-05:00

I just got a sample box of Old Schoolhouse Candy Factory. Before I wax poetic, let me say I'm a mint obsessed crazy lady. I have ruined most purses because I love Junior Mints at movies, never finish the box, and well... yeah. Junior Mint goop is not easy to clean.

My favorite flavor is mint. I even have a "life rule" that if I ever run across a new mint in a store, I can buy it. I'm otherwise frugal in life - always looking for deals, having to justify splurges, but MINT is that important to me. It makes me that happy.

So on Twitter, a very nice business started following me, and that lead to this amazing box sent to me. How can I even begin to describe them? They're Old School, which means you don't have some bland chocolate over medicore, should-be-gooey-but-is-hardish mint core. Or it's not a solid chocolate mint. It's not a hard candy mint, either. It's completely unique and unbelievably amazing. It's got a soft but stable outside, with a gooey but not liquid core. It's just the right texture. I had one an hour ago and I have what everyone who chews mint gum craves - that very slight mint taste in your mouth that lasts hours. From JUST ONE!!! I just had another and it's as good as the first... and now I have to hold back eating the whole box. :-)

So if you are looking for a distinctive mint favor, something your guests will likely never have experienced, something that even ONE MINT is plenty... well, you should really get a sample box of this mint! I now have my Christmas and Birthday wish list... forget the Junior Mints!

Weddings should NOT promote non-marriage or emigration!

2009-03-11T20:49:00.003-05:00

All this stuff just frustrates me to no end... Here we are in Somalia with the same issues faced around the planet... couples making drastic choices (never marrying, waiting YEARS without all the benefits and legal protections given to married couples, or in this case, leaving the country.)

HARGEISA, Somalia (Reuters) - Twenty-one couples have shared a joint wedding in Somalia, where the traditional lavish celebrations are increasingly unaffordable at a time of economic slump.
The function was held on Tuesday at a hotel in Hargeisa, capital of Somalia's breakaway region of Somaliland, and was arranged by Telsom, a telecoms company that employs all the bridegrooms.
The Horn of Africa region is staunchly Muslim, so the men and women celebrated separately.
The expense of a traditional wedding, especially when economic times are hard, is driving some young Somalis to leave their homeland.
"One of the reasons why the youth migrate is weddings are expensive, and I appeal to the community to simplify marriage by reducing the cost," Sheikh Mohamed Sheikh Omar Dirir, one of the area's most prominent religious leaders, told guests.
(Reporting by Husein Ali Nur; Writing by Daniel Wallis; Editing by Phakamisa Ndzamela)

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE52A47G20090311?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=69

Wedding Trends for 2009

2009-03-02T09:01:00.003-06:00

Here is a short list of expected trends for 2009 from The Wedding Report which says the average wedding will be between $21,000-$25,000. The wedding budgets for 2009 have dropped and here is where the "drop" will be seen:

Smaller weddings with fewer guests
Destination weddings or destination type weddings closer to home
Accent colors on dresses and cakes with the most popular being greens and blues
Increased reliance on family and friends to help plan, pay, and provide some of the services
Increased use of green and echo friendly products and services
Simplified decorations, centerpieces and wedding invitations
Increased use of on-line RSVP's vs. traditional mail-in RSVPs
Off-peak weddings; Mornings, Afternoons, Fridays, Sundays, October becomes the new June
Buffet meals, Hors d'oeuvre, and cocktail receptions
Cheesecakes, cupcakes and miniature cakes
All-inclusive packages

Bridal Budget | Brides on a Budget

2009-02-28T09:44:00.003-06:00

Just wrote up a new article on wedding budgets. It's a work in progress, trying to figure out the best way to mock up what I did for my wedding... I was able to calculate my "definite", "Maybe", and "unsure" invitation list and see exactly how much my budget would be when food budget changed as well as invite costs changed (having to buy in groups of 25.) Then you have to add if you have 8 person tables, every 8 new people represents not just 8 more meals, but a NEW table, new centerpiece, more wedding favors, more chair rentals, and may impact where you need to have your reception (or, too few people in too large creates a bad atmosphere... too empty.)

My ideal bridal budget for you would also include REGIONAL averages instead of national. The bridal budget worksheet would also include ranges so you could get a super rough idea playing with your priorities. For example, you can print your own invitations for maybe 50 cents, or buy super high end ones for $5 each. In my metro area, you can get a dinner for $15/person, for a lower end rate, or you could spend $50/person (or more) in a hotel setting. Photography can be bare bones for 2-3 hours, or can be an all day package. When I do this bridal budget worksheet, I'd let people add in their own rates and share with me what your regional numbers are so I could make bridal budget worksheets by region!

Bridal budget worksheets are very hard to find online in part because prices vary so widely based on a region. My idea of "ranges" by category also creates SO many possibilities it may be hard for math sufferers, or non-techie brides who get confused with all the options... (like high end invites, but low end food, etc.)

I'll get there some day! If you have any help for that project, send'em along. www.thefirstdance.com/contact-us.php

Wedding Vendor Quotes

2009-02-26T21:08:00.002-06:00

Wedding Vendor Quotes

Wedding vendors and couples are in a fascinating co-dependent relationship. Without wedding vendors you don't have a wedding but without engaged couples, wedding vendors can't exist. Engaged couples are trying to maximize their savings while wedding vendors are trying to maximize their profit. Couples may or may not shop around, but wedding vendors know what people in their industry are charging and the games wedding vendors play. How do you know if your wedding vendor is trying to rip you off or is too good of a deal?

The number one complaint of wedding vendors is when engaged couples first ask, "how much do you cost?" They sometimes feel like you would feel if instead of being asked, "What do you do for a living?" you were asked, "how much do you make?" The notion that money is more important than their skills, background, or that they could even give you a fast number without knowing the details (when, where, how many people, what exactly you want from them.)

What To Know Before Getting Wedding Vendor Quotes

Working with wedding vendors

2009-02-26T15:49:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about the economy and how scary it must be to be planning a wedding right now, especially if you or your fiance are in an industry with a lot of lay offs. It's also hard when family and friends, including your wedding party, may be hit with devastating job loss just as they're supposed to be happy for you and be there financially and with their time for parties and logistics.

One of the joys and frustrations of wedding vendors from my own bridal experiences and even in my role as a "wedding vendor" of sorts, is to maximize their wisdom and experiences without denying your own wedding needs or wedding values.

As you've likely seen, meeting with wedding vendors can be an exhausting, fascinating, nerve wracking experience. Depending on their personality you may leave the first meeting excited, uncertain, stressed out (hard sales pitches are never fun) or maybe you leave laughing at the AWFUL style or crazy prices they are trying to charge. You may also leave not feeling heard - you want THIS, not THAT, you don't need that part of the package but you DO need this other thing. Wedding vendors are always trying to make packages and wedding couples are always trying to tailor their specific budget and needs. Sometimes this works and often it doesn't, or things get lost in translation (the wedding vendor agrees and then when the bill comes, or product is delivered, it's NOT AT ALL what you agreed to.)

One bit of advice my husband and I were given that proved to be wise was knowing how you operate as a couple and being able to not commit to anything in a vendor meeting. My husband and I have bad luck with sales people no matter where we go. We generally are on the same page without talking and have "that look" we give each other that says, "oh my GOSH, seriously, can you believe this sales person? GAH!" Then when the sales person lets us be alone, we groan or laugh, whispering frantically about our plan of attack.... leave the store, try AGAIN to explain what we want, or decide to maybe come back later and find a new sales person.

When you're putting big bucks into this day, you may not always be able to control the personalities of your wedding vendors, but you SHOULD be able to get control over exactly what you want or know exactly why you can't have what you want (the hotel won't allow open flames, or the caterer had bad experiences with cakes they didn't bake so they refuse to tarnish their reputation when guests think a bad cake was made by them...true story of my caterer.)

So back to the economy. My fantasy is some of you are able to find those AMAZING wedding vendors where you can be brutally honest and get their absolute best service, even if it means they're not making tons of money off you. Like finding a florist who says, "hey, if you use THIS flower with some funky favors, you can save a ton of money and still get the wow factor." Or a photographer who admits in her experience, friends do a fine job with the wedding preparation photos and the best use of your money is to hire her for the ceremony, do photos after, and have a few of the big photo-ops done right away. Then have a good friend take the final farewell photos. You'd feel a lot better if your photographer "blessed" that idea and says it works great. Most of us do not feel good when we read that sort of advice in "how to save money" but don't actually know anyone who has done it!

I am thinking about you all. Let me know if you'd like to see any specific advice related to the family or friend dynamics when the economy is in turmoil and nothing seems to be going as planned.

Wedding Vendor Complaints

2009-02-13T10:36:00.003-06:00

One of the many things I love from where I sit in the wedding industry is that I have intimate access to everyone. Wedding vendors will share things with me that they can't share with brides directly. Brides and families share intimate things with us they can't share with just anyone.

So instead of just listening to complaints, we like to cull out wisdom to be learned from the issues underlying the complaints. For wedding vendors it's often a simple case of brides not being vendors and not being aware of all that goes into the "business of weddings." Brides have no idea that for every wedding a wedding vendor books, there may be easily 10 or more sales calls, often requiring hours and hours of time, phone calls, and emails. For every sales call, that is hours not being spent either preparing for the upcoming weddings, gaining new skills for their trade, improving or updating their offerings, or simply being able to unwind and relax!

I asked a friend of mine whose husband does photography and while it varies greatly, 23 weddings a year is a number she threw out. If there are 52 weeks in the year, and many weddings don't happen in off seasons, you can see how weekends vanish, week days are spent preparing the post-wedding photos, or dealing with pre-wedding questions, and sales for the next years wedding season.

The irony of life is that to "pursue your dreams" requires a lot of other skills to get there. So whether you're an amazing photographer, but really bad doing "sales pitches", or you're a great cake baker but not so good at marketing yourself, the end result can be frustrated brides who are left uncertain about the wedding vendor or crabby at the perceived lack of poor service.

And coming out of the world of Human Resources, I can assure you that just because YOU have never needed the HR department until you have a benefits question does not mean everyone else isn't keeping the HR people crazy busy! So while you have "one simple question" for your wedding vendor, without being aware, your "one little question" may be one of 200 emails and 15 voicemails the wedding vendor is supposed to respond to BETWEEN the sales calls and actual work of the weddings themselves. And perhaps your question is so low-priority, the wedding vendor won't say that, but the actions will show that it takes two weeks to get back to you. This is simply the wedding vendor trying to stay afloat and meed the pressing needs of immediate weddings or of signing contracts for future weddings rather than, say, responding ASAP to a simple question when your wedding isn't for another 10 months.

But of course the questions are still there and the greater understanding may build empathy but you still want your questions answered!! So how DO you appreciate the hard work of wedding vendors and get your needs met? We address that too.

I'll keep building this article and wedding vendors, please submit your complaints and I will hold them confidentially but share the wisdom you have to offer.

http://www.thefirstdance.com/weddingvendorcomplaints.php

Review of Bride Wars as it relates to relationships

2009-02-06T08:54:00.004-06:00

I went to see Bride Wars a couple nights ago. I know, it's been out a while. And the reviewers panned it. But it's one of those movies where if you aren't in wedding mode you would not remotely get it... the nuance, the complex relationships around wedding planning. So here is why I liked it... ignore if you still haven't seen it, though I won't give away the ending.

Timing of engagement

The two characters had long term boyfriends and were both near being engaged. One found an engagement ring box and was thrilled to be "getting engaged" even though it had not quite happened yet. While waiting, the second character DOES get engaged!

The newly engaged friend is sharing her excitement and plans with her friend and there we begin the complexity. The unengaged friend is happy for her friend but can't help focusing in on why SHE wasn't engaged, what was wrong with HER boyfriend, and how much this conversation should be about her. The engage friend soon realizes this and tries to shut up... but it's too late, and unengaged friend doesn't want to stiffle the joy of her engaged friend. Unengaged friend literally runs away to chase down her boyfriend at work to find out whether he's ever going to propose. I found it more than a little odd that she had to ask the guy, "is marriage something you want?" I generally feel couples know if they're marriage-bound, they should certaintly know how the other feels about marriage in GENERAL, and if she saw an engagement ring, why was she even asking that question?

Do Other People Care About Your Wedding?

There is a very short scene where the girlfriends of these two brides are being told about the engagement. One reaches for the pills while faking excitement and the other starts microwaving a pint of Ben and Jerry's to eat it fast. It can be VERY hard for single friends, especially those not even dating anyone, to lose you to an engagement! If they are dating it can really challenge their own relationship, questioning if they're wanting marriage, are they in a "marriage bound" relationship or when will they ever get married. Sometimes they'll fake excitement the whole time but their emotions will come out in lack of follow-through, being critical, or a sudden shift in your friendship. Often they have no idea they're actually doing this and certaintly the last people they want to share their feelings with is YOU, the BRIDE. They don't want to get pity or they don't want to purposefully make you feel bad.

Wedding Dresses

Next big scene is two engaged friend looking at a bridal dress shop for who I'll call Assertive Bride (the second to get engaged after demanding a proposal from her boyfriend.) Passive Bride (her character is a pleaser, never says no to anyone) finds a dress she loves but then stops, knowing it doesn't matter because she wants to wear her mothers dress. Assertive Bride then says how it IS a great dress but she ought not to try it on because Passive Bride loves it so much. No, no, try it on says Passive Bride. Yes, you can guess what happened. And ackward scene number two happens as these women start to realize the complexity of being engaged at the same time planning two weddings.

Wedding Location

This is of course the main tension of the movie. A screw up happens and they get booked on the same day and time. This is fine at a large hotel which services two brides at once... .but NOT OK when you're supposed to be maid of honor for each other at the exact same moment.

The interesting thing to me was out Assertive Bride tried to claim the coveted wedding location (Plaza Hotel in New York) means so much because it was the "only happy memory from her childhood." Can we say emotional trumpcard?? (We don't really know what happens to her parents but it sounds like as girls, they along with their parents went to a gorgeous Plaza wedding and sometime later, her parents died.)

Passive Bride says how she doesn't make NEARLY as much money as Assertive Bride (Teacher Vs. Lawyer) and has been saving since she was 15 years old for her Plaza Hotel. Money trump card or perhaps just, "I have been working harder for this than you have because I've been actually saving hard earned cash while you could easily afford anything, anytime."

Wedding Party

The final thing I'll note about the movie was the role of the Maid of Honor. While it is definitely important for some people to have a very engaged wedding party, this is not true of all brides. My best girl friends were all out of town, so my mom and I did all the planning. I never went to more than one wedding vendor because I got all word of mouth referrals (saved me tons of time.) I did no "DIY" projects that take a lot of time and usually require the help of others. No family is in town except my parents so I had a small shower with lots of gifts (shipped from out of town... pretty ackward though much appreciated.)

Newly Engaged

2008-12-24T08:42:00.001-06:00

I am excited today with the prospect of all the men (and women) out there ready to propose tonight or tomorrow. Christmas is the biggest day for engagements in the year, followed by Valentines day.

It makes sense to start the engagement surrounded by family, as you enter a new family clan and can reap the warmth of congratulations in person!

So to all the soon to be engaged, CONGRATULATIONS! We have a ton of helpful advice on our wedding relationship website.

Rachel Gets Married, the movie

2008-11-14T14:18:00.002-06:00

I hadn't seen much of this movie other than a reference to it somewhere. It talked about the family dysfunction of wedding planning so of course I had to see it!

Unfortunately the camera work was purposefully very jittery, almost like a home made movie. This made me able to watch 30 minutes of the movie before I realized the plot was not very interesting and the nausea from motion sickness required immediate attention. So I tried to close my eyes and lasted another 10 minutes but even the flickering of the screen was too much.

I went home, disappointed in what seemed to be a movie that was trying VERY hard to be "sophisticated" and artistic but was perhaps neither. I love high brow movies and I love fart movies like Waynes World so it wasn't that I thought this movie wasn't a normal Hollywood Chic Lit flic.

The saddest part other than the extreme sickness was that I don't even really care how the movie ended. It didn't seem, in the first 40 minutes, to pull you in emotionally to really care how it all went.

Ah well. I would not see this movie if others like it (Blair Witch Project, and Borne Identity) made you ill from the camera work. If you expect a lot of action and humor, this is not your flick.

Wedding Registry Prank

2008-10-20T19:11:00.001-05:00

http://www.ok.co.uk/worldinaction/view/4267/40-toasters-for-the-happy-couple/

Very funny story!

Vanity or VIP for your wedding day?

2008-10-16T15:57:00.004-05:00

Are you hiring a professional make up artist for your wedding day? Are you doing a trial run of your hair style with a professional to try out a lot of options? Are you getting a manicure and pedicure a few days before your wedding?

If you answered "yes", you are in the great majority. Indeed, at least some of the pampering above is so taken for granted that when I was talking with someone who is a high regarded marriage educator, who knows thousands of high powered people, talks to journalists all day long, she mocked, among other things, the bride who got a professional make up artist at the wedding she went to recently (she hadn't been to a wedding in many years.)

It brought me up short! I mean sure, I can argue the typical logic about how weddings are so expensive these days, it's such a waste, about how if "people only spent a tenth of the time on their marriage as they do on the wedding...." But, even I felt defensive for my decision to have a professional make up artist! I have written about whether you should splurge, and mention my own "need" for this type of splurge. My real weakness was not being disorganized, or procrastinating, or having troubles deciding vendors, it was FEAR OF LOOKING GOOD! I knew that having a professional "do their thing" would give me great confidence up to and through my wedding. (I was right.) My wedding nightmares were all about showing up in my 4th grade, dark brown prairie dress my mom made for our Oklahoma "boomers and sooners" mock land run.

I will try to dig up two photos that will shock you. One is the day after my wedding at the post-wedding brunch. The other is my wedding day. You would be shocked that my hair could do what it did and you'd be amazed how different I look. My dad kept saying, "this is a real plus for women like you who never wear make up! When you DO wear make up you look SO different and it really stands out!" I think many women who wear make up daily might argue they'd rather look good EVERY day, not just on their wedding day. ;-)

The first manicure and pedicure of my life was for my wedding. I could not stop staring at my glorious nails for the entire two week honeymoon! I was enraptured with how great my hands looked. I have since had quite a few and get one at least once a year for a big conference.

So the question is whether weddings bring out the dark, evil vanity of us, or are weddings becoming more and more of a VIP event where this is your one chance to shine with all your glory and there is nothing to hold you back. We have even gotten to the point where you'll even ask your bridesmaids to use Botox, as the New York Times wrote about this summer, instigating massive message board postings on whether it is appropriate or horryfing to ask others to alter their bodies for your big day.

Here are a few of my thoughts:

It is fine to want to enhance your appearance. Women do it every time they go to the hair salon to get a 'cut and style.' Women do it every time they either get a new prescription for contacts, or shop for new, stylish glasses. They do it when they buy make up, buy clothes, shoes, skin creams, eat right and excersize. But when does it cross the line to being a crazy bride?

Perhaps one way you have gone over the line is if you would not do ____ if you weren't having a wedding. Or if you have to spend a lot of time justifying the cost or procedure/product to yourself and your fiance. Or if you do the "ask 10 people on the street" test and you get a majority response of shock and horror at your idea. Or if you are afraid of telling a dear friend what you are planning on doing because you know they will disapprove of you. (Being afraid of their response shows a lack of confidence on your part, and demonstrates the respect you hold for that persons opinion.)

The two "wildest" things I did in response to my wedding vanity was to get contacts for the first time ever, and to get a facial and buy all the products to improve my skin for the wedding day. I could have done both without getting married and nobody would have thought twice. The contacts were ultimately justified as both wanting to be more timeless on my wedding day (glasses are always dating and I had this irrational desire to have a timeless wedding album) and because it seemed like most adults have contacts and why not give it a try. I hate being sweaty with glasses, and I couldn't be in the sun as easily because I didn't have RX sun glasses. Turns out I had fun with contacts on a daily basis - it inspired me to wear make up more because without glasses my eyes "popped more." I went back to glasses pretty quickly but still don't regret the contacts.

The skin products were great and produced a lovely inside joke with my husband about being a "planty lady", using the Aveda products. It really did clear up my skin and I spent a winter with soft facial skin and not feeling the normal itching, burning cracking of my skin in the winter. But, as usual with everything I try new I also stopped using it and went back to my normal, neglectful, non-vanity self.

So picture the worst case scenario - your groom ditches you or dies before the big day. Are your "vanity plans" well reasoned enough that you'd still pursue the...Botox, or plastic surgery, or other more extreme and costly procedures, even if the wedding wasn't going to happen?

Politics and your marriage

2008-10-15T19:36:00.004-05:00

This election season has brought a whole new group of engaged and newly married couples into the wild world of their political opinions and the opinions, and actions, of their in-laws. Ah, the fun!

We have two wedding principles that apply well to politics. The first is, "when there is conflict, blood talks to blood." If your (future) in-law sends you crazy emails about the politican you are voting for, the best tactic is to make your fiance/spouse deal with them.

However, another wedding principle may also come into play: "your parents and inlaws are like the weather. Focus on the decisions to be made, not on their attitudes or feelings."

In other words, you have no control over anyone but yourself. You can try to control what comes into your INBOX, via your partner telling their parents (in person or by phone, please, not by email). Your fiance can even tell his parents that you will be ignoring all emails until after the election. If you must. But at some point, is it REALLY worth creating world war three in the family over who gets voted the next President of the United States??? Really? I didn't think so.

If you are really luck your in-laws are as in love with your candidate as you are and it can help bond your relationship!

Good luck! :-)

What is marriage, anyway?

2008-10-12T15:11:00.004-05:00

I've been reflecting a lot as I dig more into the marriage counseling website affiliated with The First Dance, about what it takes to be married and if things get tough, what the solutions are.

There are so many "theories" on relationships, how and why they work and how to fix them when they break. I have never gone to a counselor myself, other than growing up with a counselor father and reaping the rewards of that father/daughter relationship. But I do wonder how we all see ourselves, our relationships and how we view the world as it relates to who we are and why we get married.

Whenever I get together with certain old friends, I always leave feeling a bit hollow inside in the way they talk about their marriages/husbands. Invariably I come home to my own husband and we process the way they talk about their spouses and how that makes me feel depressed inside! But then my husband and I talk about how we all come into a relationship with our own emotional baggage, our own notions of what a wife/husband is and what a marriage looks like. If your model is not a great marriage, or a selfish parent in a bad marriage, it's no wonder we can get confused as we grow up.

And from where I sit with The First Dance, I feel defensive for all of you who do not want to be talked down to, treated like you are clueless as you plan your wedding. If you want premarital help it's because you recognize that marriage is hard work and you'd appreciate some tips and tricks. It seems that our generation (Gen X and Gen Y) are in a completely different place than our parents generation when it comes to male-female relationships and to our own marriages.

Perhaps I'm just thinking about how complex life is, how complex marriage is, and what tools couples should have before entering into a marriage-bound relationship. Once you are engaged, my feeling is that you were smart enough to recognize in yourself and your partner that this was a match worth fighting for and worth spending the rest of your lives for. The question then, I guess, is if things get tough, as they always do, how do we as a society help support your marriage? How do we hold up your vulnerability and show you the strength underneath rather than tear your commitment down, devolving into "I just deserve to be happy" or, "life is too short" mentality.

My husband and I just celebrated our FIVE year wedding anniversary. If you would have said half of the things that have happened to us 5 years ago I would have been horrified, shocked, and scared to death. We have had extreme career changes, mental health issues, mortality issues (a few horrendous medical crisis'), two children, chronic health problems from a pregnancy... and that's just to name the biggies. I have experienced the lowest points of my entire live through all that and been on the brink of complete hopelessness.

I've experienced points where I could see the exit ramps that others might have chosen to take. Life is tough, stressful, and it seems like giving up is the easy way out. But when you stop and really think about it, you are not remotely perfect. You are annoying, you stress out your partner, bad things that happen to you also greatly impact your spouse, and yet she or he sticks by your side. You may resent something that happens to you or to your spouse or to your lives together. But it should be a humbling reminder that if you can share in "this sucks", whatever "this" is, then you have accomplished a huge task of married life - commitment. Wouldn't you rather ride the next roller coaster with a comforting, familiar face? With the person who has said in words or actions, through the good and bad, I'm by your side?

I feel the tension in our society between me saying "divorce is not an option for me" and the "oh, Elizabeth, you are SO naive." It's as if by saying you are in this forever, you are denying that "people change and grow apart", or denying that you may have married "the wrong person." While there are certaintly relationships that come to a shocking, unilateral end, for the vast majority of us it's never that simple. The longer I am married, the more I am in awe, humble awe, that each of us is very imperfect and by recognizing that, we can see our spouses in a new, respectful light. We can see our parents marriages in a new light. We can see our friends who seem to have high conflict "bad marriages" in a new light. It's the dance back and forth in a marriage that takes work - compromise, communication, humility, that ultimately pays off with intense security, happiness, contentment, and a stability that no matter WHAT is slung your way next (massive car accident, disability, heart attack, job loss), you are with the person who will be at your side.

It's a pretty funny thing to try to plan the PERFECT wedding when entering a completely imperfect relationship, called marriage. As if in "real life" you ever have to agree on a color theme, or ever have to spend hours upon hours figuring out which flowers best respresent your couplehood, or what invitations best fit the "tone" of your relationship. Those can be fun excersizes, but more often than not, they get in the way and cause people to doubt their relationship ("how can we get married if we are fighting over something as stupid as the wedding invitations??") rather than doubt the cultural pressures placed on weddings today.

I would say The First Dance is only about 30% "done". I have a lot more in my head I need to get out! I think there is so much unsaid in our culture and so much untapped wisdom of real couples. I hope to get more of that out in the coming months.

-Elizabeth

When Bad Things Happen - Honoring 9/11

2008-09-11T14:09:00.002-05:00

As we remember 7 years ago when our nation was forever changed, anyone who was getting married just after, or attending a wedding, or lost a friend or loved one, will never forget the added burden of not knowing how to respond or what to do.

It really challenged everyone as to the purpose of a wedding. Is it to celebrate your marriage with your family and friends? And if they can't travel, should you go ahead anyway because you put money down on the day and you don't want to reschedule? Is it morbid and wrong to celebrate with a wedding when people have died? Perhaps wedding party members, siblings, friends, parents died and your wedding was close to the date.

Everyone had to make their own decisions. Some couples postponed, some went on and used the wedding as a way to honor those we lost on that awful day.

It is always important to keep in mind what your goal of your wedding is and whether your decisions throughout honor your values. There are often no "right" and "wrong" answers.

Bad Wedding Advice

2008-09-10T09:56:00.004-05:00

One reason The First Dance exists is because of the horrible wedding advice out there. If the advice were good, I would have never gone to my marriage counselor father to ask his opinion on the wedding wisdom out there. I would have never thought about all the issues couples face and how the advice in bridal land is often so pathetic! It is either not helpful or actually damaging.

So I will be flushing out more of what this "bad advice" is soon but here are two very common examples of bad advice:

1 - If your parents are bitterly divorced and never or rarely talk with each other, and you are worried about this for your wedding, they are NOT going to "behave" or "get along" if you simploy ask them or "remind them" this is "your big day." The reality is if they are capable of getting along and behaving well, they would have done so for holidays, for your birthdays, graduations, etc. This advice to "sit your parents down and explain this is your big day and you want them to get along" sounds nice but is just not the way the world operates! It can also lead to the false sense of control that you, the bride or groom, really have over others. And it can offend your parents who believe they ARE well behaved and offended you think so little of them.

2 - If your bridesmaid or maid of honor is being difficult, say, procrastinating or not getting back to you, the bad advice out there revolves around the trickiness of maintaining some sense of control while acknowledging the person can't BE controlled. There are ways to deal with someone that give you control back without giving them all the power over your plans and emotions. Wedding bridal party wisdom is flushed out in our book and website and you can read two chapters of our book, Take Back Your Wedding.

Florida Premarital Counseling | Florida Marriage License Info

2008-09-08T14:04:00.005-05:00

Did you know you can get a Florida marriage license reduction if you take 4 hours of premarital counseling?

Some of the "exciting" details for you.
Summary: The fee is reduced by $32.50 (from $88.50 to $56) if a couple completes a 4-hour premarital course given by a provider registered with the Clerk of Circuit Court.

741.0305 Marriage fee reduction for completion of premarital preparation course.--
(1) A man and a woman who intend to apply for a marriage license under s. 741.04 may, together or separately, complete a premarital preparation course of not less than 4 hours. Each individual shall verify completion of the course by filing with the application a valid certificate of completion from the course provider, which certificate shall specify whether the course was completed by personal instruction, videotape instruction, instruction via other electronic medium, or a combination of those methods. All individuals who complete a premarital preparation course pursuant to this section must be issued a certificate of completion at the conclusion of the course by their course provider. Upon furnishing such certificate when applying for a marriage license, the individuals shall have their marriage license fee reduced by $32.50.
(2) The premarital preparation course may include instruction regarding:
(a) Conflict management.
(b) Communication skills.
(c) Financial responsibilities.
(d) Children and parenting responsibilities.
(e) Data compiled from available information relating to problems reported by married couples who seek marital or individual counseling.
(3)(a) All individuals electing to participate in a premarital preparation course shall choose from the following list of qualified instructors:
1. A psychologist licensed under chapter 490.
2. A clinical social worker licensed under chapter 491.
3. A marriage and family therapist licensed under chapter 491.
www.healthymarriageinfo.org Page 4 9/4/2007
4. A mental health counselor licensed under chapter 491.
5. An official representative of a religious institution which is recognized under s. 496.404(19), if the representative has relevant training.
6. Any other provider designated by a judicial circuit, including, but not limited to, school counselors who are certified to offer such courses. Each judicial circuit may establish a roster of area course providers, including those who offer the course on a sliding fee scale or for free.
(b) The costs of such premarital preparation course shall be paid by the applicant.
(4) Each premarital preparation course provider shall furnish each participant who completes the course with a certificate of completion specifying the name of the participant and the date of completion and whether the course was conducted by personal instruction, videotape instruction, or instruction via other electronic medium, or by a combination of these methods.
(5) All area course providers shall register with the clerk of the circuit court by filing an affidavit in writing attesting to the provider's compliance with the premarital preparation course requirements as set forth in this section and including the course instructor's name and qualifications, including the license number, if any, or, if an official representative of a religious institution, a statement as to relevant training.

Minnesota Premartial Counseling | Minnesota Marriage License Information

2008-09-07T09:02:00.004-05:00

If you are in Minnesota you may know about the reduced marriage license fee if you take 12 hours of premarital counseling. As the fees go up each year, the rate stays at $30 if you complete those 12 hours.

So what's involved? Here is the legal verbage for the MN marriage license fee reduction - how to get it, what you need to have filled out. A summary of what is included:

(b) The marriage license fee for parties who have completed at least 12 hours of premarital education is $30. In order to qualify for the reduced fee, the parties must submit a signed and dated statement from the person who provided the premarital education confirming that it was received. The premarital education must be provided by a licensed or ordained minister or the minister's designee, a person authorized to solemnize marriages under section 517.18, or a person authorized to practice marriage and family therapy under section 148B.33. The education must include the use of a premarital inventory and the teaching of communication and conflict management skills.(c) The statement from the person who provided the premarital education under paragraph (b) must be in the following form:"I, (name of educator), confirm that (names of both parties) received at least 12 hours of premarital education that included the use of a premarital inventory and the teaching of communication and conflict management skills. I am a licensed or ordained minister, a person authorized to solemnize marriages under Minnesota Statutes, section 517.18, or a person licensed to practice marriage and family therapy under Minnesota Statutes, section 148B.33."The names of the parties in the educator's statement must be identical to the legal names of the parties as they appear in the marriage license application. Notwithstanding section 138.17, the educator's statement must be retained for seven years, after which time it may be destroyed.

What do YOU think?

2008-09-02T09:30:00.003-05:00

Since the announcement of Sarah Palin as John McCain's vice-presidentical candidate, many "marriage" type issues have been flying everywhere in the homes, message boards, blogs, and newspapers. No matter how you will vote, the issues are ones we all face. Do YOU know how you feel? Do you know how your spouse-to-be feels? Some great questions that have come out.

Sarah Palin went back to work 3 days post partem with a special needs baby. (Not sure if her husband was home though he was a full time worker.) Do you believe in you have a public-servant job as she does as Governor of Alaska that she did the right thing by serving her state? Or do you believe she should have been home with her baby for longer? Do you have an idea of how long you think a baby should be with a parent and are you willing to deal with the financial issues around taking time off work?

Sarah Palin has taken an intense job that for 2 months will leave her away from home and then, if she gets the job, she will be across the country and very busy. What do you and your fiance feel about high power jobs and kids? Sarah's husband is now a stay at home dad. Are either or both of you up for a time consuming career? Do you feel you both have a right to work hard or do you feel the kids need someone home? What if one of you wants a career change in a few years - will the other support that whether it means a pay decrease or a pay increase attached to a dramatic increase in work hours?

The reality is we just can not predict the future. Three years ago I would never have predicted where I would be today or where my husband would be. We were making great money, both in Corporate America. I've since been home with my son (and now daughter), working on this website and a therapy website, while my husband went back to school to do marriage counseling. That is a low paying job until you can build your practice, which takes 2-4 years. Talk about not getting what you signed up for when you got married! His well paying job went down to 0 and will eventually build to about 30% of what he made and eventually get close to 70-80% of what he used to make. But as his spouse, he was miserable in his last job and he absolutely needed this new career. He is more content than he has been in a long time. And I know first hand money does not make happiness so there was no question I would support him all along the way. But it means we have a radically different lifestyle.

So to prepare for your wedding you are likely also thinking about how your future goals impact todays decisions on how much to spend on your wedding, travel, on job choices, on buying a house, on where you live?

Classic and Timeless vs Unique and Trendy?

2008-08-28T15:04:00.004-05:00

I do not see a lot of discussion on what I consider an important wedding planning topic. At what point does a wedding go from "unique" to meaningless? Or from trendy to laughable (not at the moment, but in a few years.) How much should you strive for specialness, potentially making your wedding quite meaningless for guests? How much should you follow tradition - allowing guests to relate to your wedding as it reminds them of their own?

What is the goal of your wedding? Is it to "represent your couplehood?" Is it to celebrate the beginning of your marriage? Is it to share the journey countless relatives have taken before you or to mark your wedding as a hallmark "you" moment?

I remember one bride wanted hockey pucks for favors. Her mother was flipping out and the bride didn't understand why. I think this is actually one of the best examples of "uniquely you" going too far. Why? Well for starters, how many guests actually play hockey? Two, of that small minority, how many really want another hockey puck? It feels like giving your friends your favorite perfume when most don't wear perfume and those who do really don't want YOUR favorite.

My husband and I had many conversations about this topic. We strove for a classic, timelessness while at the same time marking the event as ours through our live music choice (live jazz band but also church members), our unique wedding invitations, and a very unique wedding reception set of moments... where we collected marital wisdom from our guests and where we also invited everyone to stand up based on "who they were" - family on husbands side, my family, college friends, guests by state. It was fun and did not detract from a standard wedding reception but really enhanced the sense of community.

I don't think there is any right or wrong. I just think it's important to always ask yourself once or twice whether your latest wedding planning idea is something only YOU would find meaningful, or whether it's something that lets your guests feel a part of your day.

Learn more about what we're up to at our premarital counseling and wedding relationships website, The First Dance.

Premarital Counseling

2008-08-22T15:16:00.003-05:00

One of the unexpected joys of what we're building at The First Dance is the best listing of premarital counselinrs in the nation. It is hard to find premarital counselor listings in the wedding industry because ad rates are so expensive, premarital counselors can't afford to market themselves!

I didn't know where to go so I asked my dad when I got engaged. My husband and I took what is now an online, very affordable test, The Couple Checkup. It gives you some interesting comparisons of your background, values, strengths and areas of growth opportunity (not weaknesses!)

The way I see it nothing bad comes of premarital counseling and a lot of good can come of it! Some premarital counselors have their agenda set from years of experience working with couples. Some others are open to conversation and giving you resources and having conversations based on what you are interested in working on. We exist because generally premarital counseling doesn't talk about the wedding or family drama - consider our book, Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning another form of premarital counseling! My dad has had many engaged couples thank him for some of his marriage books. He has a unique, freshing, down to earth way of sharing wisdom.

Welcome Singapore couples!

2008-08-20T08:57:00.002-05:00

My father, Bill Doherty, was just in Singapore for a variety of talks on marriage, parenting, and yes, WEDDINGS! He learned a lot and we've shared our book with a lot of Singapore couples and educators. I'm excited to learn the unique cultural issues Singapore couples face and try to incorporate that into The First Dance.

My website keeps changing almost daily as I try to fit ALL the information still in my head onto the website. I want to organize it in ways that make sense and ensure the advice isn't lost. No other wedding website is trying to accomplish our mission so I don't have another template to see - they're mostly ads or organized by the logistics; jewerly, dress, cake, photography, etc.

I enjoyed writing one of my latest pieces on whether to INVITE CHILDREN to the wedding or not and what to do if you're in the beginning, middle or end of wedding planning and this issue is rearing its ugly head. I also wrote a few snarky Top Ten Ways to Increase Wedding Stress, on my homepage.

Again, welcome new Singapore couples! I welcome your emailed questions - blog at thefirstdance.com

My Stressful Wedding Registry Experience

2008-08-17T15:26:00.004-05:00

To the "Silly arguments in wedding planning" theme, I will share my rather miserable experience in what should have been a fun evening of zapping things to our hearts content.

The back story is my husbands grandfather was in school to become a chef when he was drafted in WW2. He lucked out being able to be a cook in the Navy and there he built his cooking skills as well as kitchen management skills. When the war ended he became a restaurant supply manager and restaurant manager. This means he KNEW ABOUT KITCHENS... he knew about kitchen gear, and he raised his daughter, my mother-in-law, to be very knowledgeable. She passed this knowledge on to my husband. I affectionately call them "kitchen snobs."

So while most women have pretty broad freedom to registry for anything they want because more women cook then men, or because some men just don't care even if they DO cook, I thought, naively, this would be a fun time registering for "stuff." It wasn't.

My husband and I have grown together, as all couples do, but one way that we were very different was in spontaneity. Like, hey this widget is only $5, I'm going to get it! My husband doesn't care how cheap or expensive something is. He's a very thoughtful person and automatically thinks through purchases to the point he rarely buys anything unnecessary on a whim. You can probably see where this is heading....

The myth out there is you go to a department store and have fun with the zapping gun, finding stuff you want, you need and then some fun stuff that your guests may enjoy buying for you. But if you are lucky enough to marry someone like my husband, there will be NO unnecessary zapping! He had excel spreadsheets for every room of the house, he researched, talked with his mom, we spend time thinking through our desired future lifestyle. We talked about our families and who might buy what. My family is not a Fine China family and his is - so if I had married someone differently I don't think I'd own fine china.

My husband never controlled my opinions and in fact by educating me I had more choices then I knew existed. Those fancy pans we got have two main brands. One brand is way heavier than another so he had me lift both to determine if I liked one over the other because there was a price difference. He didn't care which ones we got and wanted me to be part of the decision. (By the way, COPPER is the best pan but few people, especially my husband and me, want to maintain the metal!)

I remember asking him at one point whether it was FOOLISH to be registering for all this nice stuff since we didn't even use our crappy stuff! He said yes, that weddings are the one time you get this stuff and that we WILL use it all some day. (He was right.)

But let me tell you, trying to convince my mom we need some $50 roasting pan when her $10 worked just fine was not easy. My mom grew up on a farm and is very practical. She (nor I) know much about kitchen equipment nor do we generally put much thought into it. So there I was trying to remember why this stuff was worth the money to my mom who spent HER entire life cooking for big and small dinner parties, and never needed nor used half the stuff we were registered for.

I have a dear friend whose husband is the same way as mine so I know I'm not alone! I did get a few Registry items by fighting to zap them. One of them we didn't end up getting but the other is now the worlds greatest popcorn maker - a Whirley-Pop Stovetop Popcorn Popper. We absolutely love it and will never go back to our air popcorn maker. (Hint: use a LOT less salt and seasoning on the oil popcorn because it sticks much better. We had quite the salty first round of popcorn!)

But lest you think my husband was a killjoy, we never use the napkin rings I insisted on getting, rarely use the place mats I wanted, and I have now adopted his philosophy of extreme thoughtfulness before getting even the silliest of things. Anytime I veer off it's rarely a successful purchase. I can now go to a store, "feel" myself getting pulled into some fabulous deal, 75% off! 90% off! And still say "no". Perhaps it's only because I can see my husband rolls his eyes at what I could bring home, but I think it's because I never regret nor miss any of those amazing deals I've passed up over the years.

I had no idea even the wedding registry could teach you about marriage. What felt like the most consumerist aspect of a wedding turns out to be great conversation fodder for your married life.

Check out our book, or website: www.thefirstdance.com for more musings on wedding planning and relationships!

Bride and Groom, Parents - Wedding Planning Fights

2008-07-30T17:03:00.003-05:00

Few if any of us get through wedding planning without a SILLY FIGHT. There are real discussions and negotiations to have, but then there are just plain silly fights.

I was remembering the other day one of ours. My husband and I were working through the logistical side of marriage, combining bank accounts, all that "fun stuff". He wanted to keep his bank account with a different bank company and I wanted my bank and my account. Mind you, this had nothing to do with "my money vs his money." We both believe that marriage means everything is "ours", not his or mine. That is at least a viable argument and discussion to have since some couples do feel like it's best to have his, hers, and ours. Nope, that wasn't why we were fighting.

He grocery shopped at a place that housed his bank which was one of his big arguments AND he also didn't mind paying an ATM fee to get cash. The gas station I always went to housed MY bank and I refuse to pay money to get my own money out of my bank account. Ah, the joys of marriage. :-)

So, not gaining any ground, I went down a bad path... a bad argument that I knew was bad, but I entered it anyway. I tried a trump card that is downright silly. "But, I feel like I'm already losing my identity changing my name, I deserve to at LEAST keep my bank account that I've had since I was 10!"

This was silly because I was adamant about changing my name. He was even open to changing his last name (but is the last male with the name and didn't want to end the family tree.) I wanted family unity with a shared name. So my name change had NOTHING to do with whose bank we use.

It's also silly to say getting married somehow makes me lose my identity and any internal turmoil I was having should translate into getting what I want - even if what I wanted had no rational basis.

In the end we stayed with my bank but not because I made threats or claimed using his bank would be bad for my personal identity. Those arguments really detracted from the real discussion and took us for an extra "joy ride" of fighting.

Ultimately we are both ATM cash-users, we both get gas at the same gas station company that gets us free ATM use, and we were moving into a house where we wouldn't be shopping at the grocery store that housed his bank. In the end, knowing that my bank was REALLY important to me, knowing we would save money not paying ATM fees, it was a fairly easy decision... it just wasn't as important to him and there was no reason to spend more for something less valued.

But there we go. One of many fights. I'll blog next time about our HORRENDOUS wedding registry experience. It was miserable and a great example of everything we talk about at The First Dance - managing the couple dynamics of wedding planning, of our families, our expectations, and how we view our new lives and the wedding itself.

Share your stories with us of silly wedding fights on our website.

Top ways to increase your wedding planning stress

2008-07-25T22:20:00.004-05:00

Wondering how to make wedding planning more stressful? There is plenty (including on our wedding relationships website) on how to REDUCE the stress but there isn't a lot on how to INCREASE it! Send this snarky blog to your friends in wedding land.

Here is a short sampling of ways you can ensure more wedding stress, fights, and strained relationships throughout your wedding planning adventures.

#10 - Make all major wedding planning decisions without consulting anyone - not your spouse-to-be, not your parents, or anyone else involved, until AFTER you've signed the papers and made the deposits

#9 - When you ask your spouse-to-be to do a particular wedding related task, be sure not to clarify what the task is supposed to accomplish, don't give a timeline, don't give an explaination of why the task and timeline is important...make sure they're left in the dark to ensure maximum fight potential

#8 - Assume everyone knows what is on your mind and why you are doing what you're doing. It's best to keep people in the dark to ensure maximum wedding stress

#7 - Pick your wedding party really quickly, without any thought to their personality, to their life phase right now, or to their financial and job situation. It's also a great idea to not ask what your in-laws expect out of family being in the wedding party to maximum full family drama and stress

#6 - If a loved one disagrees with you, complain loudly that this is YOUR day and then complain loudly and frequently to everyone who will listen. It's best to give maximum mental and emotional energy to every tiny disagreement, even if it really doesn't matter to you if the other person wants something more than you

#5 - Be sure to hold back all your stress until you finally go on a date night with your spouse-to-be. Wait til the dinner is served and then rip into your family, your future-inlaws, and make the entire date turn into a huge wedding stress vent

#4 - Make sure you don't talk with your spouse-to-be before meeting with vendors to clarify what your values, wants and needs are so you get pulled into their sales pitch and agree to the most expensive package they offer. Who needs a wedding budget??

#3 - Use "I" statements with difficult people. They'll love being called a brat, impossible, insensitive, or rude, as long as you say "I feel you are a brat"

#2 - Be sure, brides, to encourage your fiance to share his wedding opinions but then be sure to shut him down or complain about how incompetent he is, or how much he's procrastinating, or how he just "doesn't understand weddings"

#1 - Make sure this wedding is ALL ABOUT YOU, even if it means creating family cut-offs, screaming at your in-laws, ruining your relationship with your spouse-to-be, or threatening your parents or in-laws that they will never get to see their future grandchildren

Wedding Readings - Share and win our wedding relationship book!

2008-07-14T22:54:00.002-05:00

OK I've assembled unique wedding readings and others have shared theirs. Share some wedding readings you have stumbled up and really like and I'll give a few random people our book, Take Back Your Wedding, free! No strings attached, no entering a mad spam-world with email.

check out my wedding readings page and let me know what you think. :)

Wedding Readings

Bachelorette season finale

2008-07-13T19:04:00.004-05:00

I can't often watch TV, read a magazine article or website article about wedding planning without groaning.

Take the Bachelorette season finale... spoiler alert:

Did you notice she said both "I have a huge family that I want at my wedding" and pretty quickly when asked about a wedding said a date AND location (in the Bahamas.)

We have a few wedding principles here that she broke. Honestly you could see her dad in a state of shock! His parents laughed nervously and said, "we'll be there!"

Principle: Make decisions tentatively until you know the reaction from that idea. This doesn't mean you always listen to others opinions, but it's certaintly easier for you AND your parents if you say, "we are thinking of getting married in the Bahamas, maybe in May... do you think that will work for everyone?" Rather than "announce it." This leaves parents no room to disagree or bring up "yeah, but" comments without putting you on the defensive or making you upset.

Principle: It's your day, but it's not only your day! Seriously, you'd think the world revolved around her and yet she *talks* about how important family is. Has she given any thought, in her engagement bliss, about the reality of the entire family having to fly to the Bahamas? The expense? The date? What if people are graduating, or have finals (May 9th) or just can't afford such an expensive trip? Again, this doesn't mean everyone else gets to dictate your wedding, but it's certaintly a big deal to have a destination wedding, especially with a large family. It's a much smarter idea to figure out of this will be more painful than pleasurable to everyone involved. You can go there for your honeymoon or anniversary. Do you REALLY need to invite everyone on an expensive flight, expensive hotel, to somewhere special only to the two of you?

And I know the Bachelorette is weird and secretive, but it was a bad idea for her to announce any wedding plans when their families had *just* learned they were engaged. Talk about no time to get to know the other family. It can make parents and siblings really nervous when such a monumental shift in the family is happening, live, on national TV with rapid fire speed and a wedding date and location already set.

________________________
- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Visit The First Dance for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.

So much untapped talent in wedding land

2008-07-10T23:48:00.004-05:00

I'm starting the arduous task of building advertising on our website so we can continue to build our wedding relationship website. I am an internet bride and I know what I like and don't like. I am thrilled to be finding very unique businesses that get hidden away in "special category" pages in some random city or state page. The reality is advertising is prohibitively expensive for many in the wedding industry. This is really bad news for you, trying to have as many wedding planning choices at your disposal. One tiny ad on theknot.com can be $120-$150 per month. And that gives you one little listing in one little category in one city of one state. As a knottie I know many of us do not visit those vendor listings! But they bill themselves as 3 million visitors a month (nevermind only 2.1 million weddings happen a YEAR).

But the reality is there are more options than you realize. It's a question of where to find these unique people or websites or products? Like us - we were boosted by winning a Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter award, and getting some great publicity, but ultimately where do we break from being "yet another wedding directory website."

Well, I'm proud to say we're the only purely wedding relationship website out there. I'm proud that our advice is the only one that comes from a deep understanding of couples and families and the ugly reality of "family life." All the communication skills in the world won't help with crazy Uncle Bob. You can't tell him he's crazy and therefor not invited to the wedding. He doesn't think he's crazy, he'll go to his sibling (your mom or dad), and grandparents, and create world war 3 in your family. So what do you do? There are options - we help you sort through that sort of thing on our website and in our wedding relationship book. Visit our website often - there is so, so much more to share.

Most advice out there is the same old, same old. It just doesn't come from a grounded reality, from a sense that your wedding is the beginning of your *marriage*, and in MARRIAGE, life is yucky, your relationship isn't just a private affair, and sometimes it's better to let things go than create more drama in the name of "this is my day, my way!"

There is a lot of passion out there of people wanting to offer their talents, products, or services to engaged couples. And the wedding industry is set up in such a way that it's nearly impossible for start-ups to get in the door. (Especially of web-based, national small businesses.) That leaves us with the same old, same old vendors in the same websites, same magazines and same print directories. Those vendors are probably awesome - but at some point there is only 52 weekends a year and only so many weddings you can book. The "free listings" for wedding vendors is a bit of a rouse - those want to get the traffic going so they can sell expensive ads around the free ads. This of course leads to a cluttery mess and information overload.

Nobody is trying to screw over anyone. It's just the nature of it. When aunts and uncles and moms and dads stopped having the backyard wedding, with homemade wedding cake, near potluck quality food, flowers from the garden and simple wedding invitations - things got more fun, more expensive and more intense! Too bad there are a lot of losers in the equation.

Georgia Brides - Free wedding coordinator help!

2008-07-08T00:06:00.003-05:00

Register to win a FREE GIFT CERTIFICATE to wedding event planner extraordinaire.

www.TheFirstDance.com/premaritalcounselinggeorgia.php for the banner and drawing registration.

Wedding Readings | Wedding Reading Ideas

2008-07-06T22:49:00.003-05:00

If you are not getting wedding readings through your officiant or place of worship then you are in the unlucky situation of trying to find wedding readings. This can be very tricky, especially if you have a low threshhold for sparmy poetry or your views of romance do not involve waxing poetic in a 19th century voice. You may also have a unique wedding and feel stuck with very UNunique wedding reading options.

My brother pointed out when he got married that most wedding readings fall into two categories:

Wedding Readings about How Single Life Sucks
or
Wedding Readings about How You Can Not Understand Marriage Until You've Been Married 40 Years

When he said this, I had to laugh! Indeed, the readings are about the horrible storms of life and how it's so miserable to be alone...a solitary soul in this vast, miserable world. Or the readings talk about the stupid, naive, innocent, fresh young love of a newlywed and only those older, wiser married couples can truly understand what love is.

So here's your homework... help me find wedding readings that you like!

If this is too smarmy for you:

HOW DO I LOVE THEE~ By Elizabeth Barrett Browning ~

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight. I love thee freely, as men strive for Right; I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise. I love with a passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith. I love thee with a love I seemed to lose With my lost saints, -- I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after death.

and this is too overused:

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-8a

Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude.
Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.

Then email us and let us know what you like. We'll share it with others on our wedding readings page.

- Elizabeth Doherty Thomas, is a co-founder of The First Dance, along with Marriage and Family therapist father Dr. William J. Doherty. The First Dance was a Modern Bride Trendsetter award winner in 2007 for taking on the complex family dynamics of wedding planning. Visit The First Dance for more advice on working through the people stresses of wedding planning as a couple, with your families, and how to strengthen your upcoming marriage through this enormous first task of married life.

Bad wedding advice...

2008-06-28T00:26:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to say I knew advice was bad, having been a knottie through my wedding planning. But I recently ran into someone who, a few years ago, when theknot.com gave personalized answers to wedding problems, was hired, as a 22 year old, never married, no experience at all dealing with weddings, to answer the questions. Yes, she would basically repeat over and over to brides, "it's your day, do what you want."

AH!

You deserve better treatment. And that answer rarely actually helps people and more often hurts them because it reinforces a very wrong notion - a notion that you are able to invite about 175 of your closet friends and family, have the day exclusively about you, but then hope they enjoy themselves and are happy for you.... which means THEY have to be happy which means YOU have to think about THEM. :-) I was listening to a wedding podcast cracking up at the wedding coordinators going on and on with their pet peeves being in the industry. They are at the whim of "your day, your way" even if they know your idea is awful, disgusting (chocolate fountains where sick guests double dip), or is not very hospitable to guests (not feeding or hydrating them properly.)

So as our name goes, getting to The First Dance takes a lot of juggling of values, people, relationships, wallets, and details!

The myth of cohabitation: living together before marriage

2008-06-19T21:02:00.004-05:00

I just heard on a radio show something you hear often, from everyone... from parents of adult kids, from friends, coworkers, movies, TV. It's so common you'd never know it's dead wrong! It is an argument that "just makes sense." It's so grounded in reality you would actually question NOT doing it... I heard it a lot when I was engaged and made a certain choice about not moving in with my fiance.

One crucial note about this blog: I'm mostly talking to the NON-ENGAGED couples.. those who haven't yet committed and had the serious conversations about finalizing their decision on spending the rest of their lvies together by becoming engaged.

Living together before marriage. Specifically while dating someone, moving in together with one main purpose of "testing" your relationship. The logic goes that it is important to make sure you are compatible before you commit the rest of your life with this person. After all, what if they snore, or are messy and you're a neat freak? And really, how can you really know someone unless you are living with them?

Now, if you're wondering where I'm going with this blog, I want to give a shout out to the liberal, non-religious people by saying I do not take a religious stance or a more "conservative" view of this topic. But I come to the same conclusions, just for very different reasons. It's too bad the only voice against living together is strickly the religious voice. Most young people don't go to church and it's actually the non-churched who are as likely, or more likely, to think it's a good idea and have social support.

I could bore you with the research. The following up of couples who lived together and what their future marriages holds is a grim reality. Those couples fare much worse than their counterparts who do not live together. But not just divorce is grim, even those who stayed married their happiness about their marriages is lower than their counterparts!!

WHAT GIVES, then? How on earth can you commit the rest of your life with someone who you have never lived with, hip to hip, day in, day out, sweaty armpits and all?

Obviously we are all special and unique. Or so the logic goes, right? YOU of course are marrying the love of your life. YOU are never getting divorced. YOU don't fit "statistics". YOU are an outlier in a scattogram of research data pointing towards clear trends of divorce and unhappiness.

And let's not even go into the harassment, the eye rolls, the "you are just SO STUPID and NAIVE" looks you get from friends, coworkers and others when you announce you are not shacking up. It takes strength, courage, and a lot of patience to deal with all that community baggage.

Here is my take on marriage and why this "living together before marriage is smart" stuff is totally bogus.

One, marriage is about having similar values and views of your future. You can fall in love with someone completely opposite from you in almost EVERY WAY, but if you have similar values and goals for your future, you should fare well. After all, the real stresses of life aren't about being a neat freak, cleaning up the beard shavings, or who does the laundry. The real stresses are about how you earn money, how you spend money, whether and when you want children, how you raise them, how much you save for retirement, how you relate to your families, how well you balance your sex life and parenthood roles with some level of independence and self-growth.

Two, marriage is about being committed. Through it all, you are committed to the marriage. Commitment is not something you 'test'. It is a choice you hold and then a choice you let go of because there is no alternative except perhaps in horrendous situations - your spouse murders someone, is violent, abusive, etc. But if you are in a committed relationship you will survive because while the rest of your world (physical or emotional world) falls apart, the one rock in your life is your commitment. It is the one constant, the one unwavering, unchanging element in a crazy, unpredictable world. Commitment doesn't care if you experience tremendous growth in your life while your partner is the same old person, change careers (for more or less money), gain or lose a lot of weight, develop a dibilitating illness, disability, or emotional problem.

Values, trust, admiration, respect, commitment. These are not things you build just living with someone. If that were the case we'd want to marry our roommates in college or when we enter the real world. You can hold those things dear for a best friend you have never lived, right? The difference is you aren't marrying your best friend. You are marrying someone you want to commit your entire life to. You work around the quirks of daily life because you are holding onto something much stronger and deeper than the petty annoyances that invariably happen when two people live under the same roof.

On a bit lighter note, if you have the confidence in your dating relationship, there is no need to "hurry it along" by living together. You are more likely to have those intense conversations while dating than while being hip-to-hip, falling asleep to the television. Why? Because you stop dating! And dating is where we get out of our daily routine and truly spend time, alone, having those conversations we don't have at breakfast about our values and deep seated notions of our future.

So hats off to those who chose to have fun dating and when the time is right, the wedding date is set, and commitments are made, still consider waiting til the wedding. Have fun spreading out, alone in your bed. Have fun doing anything you want in your own space. Enjoy the alone time. For when you get married, those times will quickly pass.

_____________________________________

For full disclosure my husband and I were engaged for 15 months. 5 months before the wedding my husbands apartment lease was up and we needed to get a house before the weather got cold. We couldn't afford my apartment rent and a house so we planned for me to move in with my parents (after 9 years living away) until the wedding. We both got a ton of crap for what others perceived as a foolish, naive, dumb choice. We bought a house and everything changed. Those who own property know how much that shifts your world. I had no idea and there was no way I could co-own a home and stay at my parents. So for 5 months we lived together, after being engaged for 10 months, dating for a year prior to that. And I still hold firm - living apart as long as you can before the wedding is something you'll never regret and if you're purposeful about it, will build your strength and character to withstand more social pressures coming your way post-wedding.

Fighting, communication and assessment of your couplehood

2008-06-19T10:15:00.004-05:00

I got an interesting comment from my last post. In case there is any doubt, my husband and I are "good" fighters - never raise our voice, very sincere, listen well to the other side, and generally are "good communicators" as demonstrated by The First Dance Couple Checkup, an online, inexpensive, research-based premarital inventory on our website. The point is that with all those skills you will STILL disagree, still have "fights" as a couple, and the question is how you handle the problem. In todays society it is easy to feel if you can keep at it, eventually you'll convince the other person they're wrong. Or worse, you start to reassess whether you married the right person because they aren't Mr. or Mrs. Perfect, afterall. It's called a consumer marriage and it's a disasterous mindset to have if you take it to an extreme.

If there is one thing I've learned over the years, "right and wrong" aren't words that should be used in a marriage (excluding obvious cases of physical or emotional violence.) The reality is would you rather be "right" or happy? For most couples who have been together a long time, being happy is better than being "right". Of course this all depends on the area you are disagreeing about. Generally those problems I talked about that are perpetual - you always procrastinate, you married a pack rat, your job makes you put in long hours but you love your career and don't want to leave... all those stressors will always be there and sometimes it's better to avoid the unending fights, or to at least TRY to see the other persons side. Your spouse doesn't want to be a pack rat but finds it extremely challenging to throw things away, or you were born late and have never been on time for anything in the 30 years you've been alive... you don't like it about yourself, but having a spouse yelling at you for it won't make it better!

It is often said money, sex, and children are the three biggest areas of struggle for couples. I have seen so many couples who are so mismatched in their values about money that I urge anyone reading this who is like that, to get a financial planner - someone who is "Free" and can help set the groundwork for your financial future. Or if that isn't likely, I was extremely impressed with the small part of a money game I played called Money Habitudes at a marriage conference. This is an easy card game but it is really surprisingly cool in helping you see how you view money without taking some boring quiz or having to think "too hard." I want to get this sold through my website or somehow help couples more on this vital topic.

The reality is there is no "one" right way to handle money. My husband and I both worked high paying corporate jobs, went out to eat almost every night, traveled and had a great time! We could not have predicted we would make major career changes (stay at home life then small business life and he's going into low paying counseling.) The reality is we're savers and have no debt even with 2 years of him making no money. We bought a small house that we love to give us more flexibility, we own smaller cars, we don't buy a lot of new clothes, etc. We could have never gone out to eat, never traveled and had a LOT more money saved up... but for us we couldn't imagine ruining our fun times, the memories we have, just so we had a bigger bank account. It is the delicate line between having fun and saving, between living for today and living for tomorrow. And every person and therefor every couple is going to have their own UNIQUE balance.... my hope is that you have balance as a couple in however that translates for you.

And an obvious first place to start is WEDDING PLANNING! Do you hold the view that this is the one day worth splurging on? Or the wedding is "only a day" and isn't worth going into debt for? Or the wedding is a massive family reunion and worth the time and money to bring everyone in your life together, even if it's expensive, because there will never be an opportunity to do it again? Or is a wedding a sacred family event and you don't feel a need to invite a lot of extra guests so you CAN have an elegant wedding and still not spend a lot?

What if your parents are paying? Does this have an impact on how you plan, how you spend, and where you place your values? My wedding was paid by my parents and was lower than the average for our state. My husband and I couldn't imagine doing more even though my parents "could have afforded more." We struck a balance between having nice wedding invitations, really nice music, a really good photographer and medicore food, the wedding cake tasted OK but looked pathetic (oh well...) and the table decorations weren't what we wanted but we gave free reign to others and again, oh well. We got OUR wish which was a certain "feel" to the reception... the artwork in the church basement, the lighting, the live jazz band, the great host job of my dad to bring all our guests into the reception with some unique moments (like getting the wisdom from married couples that they have learned but did not know on their wedding day.)

Fighting sucks...

2008-06-11T16:47:00.002-05:00

My husband and I just had a big fight the other day. We're not yellers and we're respectful of each other when we fight, but it still sucks. I find fighting often leads to the shocking realization that the other person has very complex emotions and views of things, just like you do. It is easy to take people at face value and not realize there is a LOT that goes unsaid - especially men who may want to be conflict avoiders or feel like it's better to be quiet then get attacked by their fiancee's or wives.

My husband and I don't fit a lot of the gender stereotypes and yet we find we get in some stereotypical fights! It's frustrating to realize that "roles" we play have an impact on our perspective about things, our experiences and how views.

If you weren't aware, John Gottman did some research and has really categorized two types of fighting that all couples go through. One kind CAN be ended... either with the right skills, or the scenario around the fight never happens again, or through therapy. The other kind of fighting is perpetual. There is NO answer, no end result, no way to "end" the fight. These are often where personalities clash - you're always early, your fiance(e) is always late... or you're a neat freak and you're marrying a total pack rat. Since we can't easily change our personalities there is going to be lifelong friction. But the fascinating thing is those fights do not have to mean you are not meant to be together. It's actually a question of HOW you go about fighting that bodes well or poorly for your marital happiness and longevity.

This last fight was about parenting (we have two small children.) Nothing got resolved, but we are able to sit on what was said, recognizing there are some inherent limitations we each hold and there is probably no real solution. So we'll do the marriage dance - give and take a little more now that some dirty laundry was aired, we'll try to be more patient with the other, try to change our own behaviors slightly, and ride the wave of what is possible.

Speaking of my husband, I'm going to try to get him involved in The First Dance more. He's very skitish about being involved in a "family business" but he has so much to say and has taught me SO MUCH about the male perspective! We shall see... :-)

What is premarital counseling?

2008-06-04T12:58:00.004-05:00

There are so many questions around premarital counseling we get on our wedding relationship website. I think it's great!

Questions like:

What do you do in premarital counseling?
How much does premarital counseling cost?
What is involved in a premarital counseling session?
Who does premarital counseling - religious or non religous people?

While I am just like you - a normal person who got married and wondered the same things, here is what I've been learning.

Premarital counseling is done by 44% of all engaged couples. Catholics require it so that is about 37% of all engaged couples. The rest are couples who are strongly encouraged by their church, officiant, or friends to get premarital counseling, or couples like my husband and me who felt it was something we should do. A good portion are also into their second marriages and see the value of not ignoring their relationship strengths and weaknesses.

I think of premarital counseling like getting a car or a house - you'd do some preparation and research before jumping in to an important decision. Premarital counseling can give you the preparation and research on WHAT IT TAKES TO HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE! It is honestly not very personal, often, because it's done in group formats, or it's more about educating you on what we know about relationships.

Many of us cringe at the idea of taking a marriage compatibility test. What if we "fail?" We already feel we know what we need to work on and just don't want to address it again if we don't have to! But I can tell you, having a third party premarital inventory, or marriage counselor, draw out some areas of growth opportunity can be a good thing. It can basically put on the table things you already know and instead of those things sitting in your head, they are released. Those things can then be talked about separate from your own ego or self esteem. They can be talked about as, "hey, everyone has stuff! This is your stuff and this is how others with the same stuff have worked through it."

Premarital counseling can then be a wide variety of options because it's under the umbrella of marriage education. Lay leaders, groups, individual mentoring, therapy. Our website offers many options and frankly our book, Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning is absolutely the most powerful premarital, and marital work I've experienced in my own four years of marriage. It talks about the wedding in a way that gets you thinking about your relationship.

So because it varies the costs vary wildly. The more individual the more expensive. Sometimes marriage counselors have a set agenda on what they cover with engaged couples and sometimes they don't. Some couples find it's not so much premarital counseling as actual couples counseling they need. Some couples have real issues that go beyond basic skill building and require therapy. This is a wonderful time, while engaged, to start working on building your relationship as you plan for your wedding. Couples can find they get much closer, emotionally, to their partners through therapy and why not do the work before the big wedding ceremony!

I will continue to talk about premarital counseling and all that is involved. But for now I need a nap!

Happy wedding planning,

Elizabeth

Wedding planning choices deplete....

2008-04-23T09:05:00.002-05:00

An experimental psychologist at the University of Minnesota, Vohs is lead author of a new study in the May issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in which she argues that making decisions -- something most of us are forced to do countless times each day -- lessens our ability to control our impulses.
In Vohs' view, choosing one option over another is a uniquely depleting experience, one that makes us more likely to indulge in bad habits.

I think we can all vouch for this in some form or other. Whether you've purged your closet down to only the clothes you really like and then find each morning a little easier when you open the closet. Or if you know exactly what you want, go to the store, find it, and leave. It's a great feeling.

I know that I don't get out as much with two small children but when I do I am CONSTANTLY having to maintain self control over even the smallest things. It's like this entire universe of stuff I don't need just calls my name when it's in front of my eyes. This is one area being married has helped me. I now do not do impulse buys and if I do buy something unplanned I strongly justify it in my head before buying it, take it home and almost already prepare to return it if my "justification" doesn't pass the "husband test." It has greatly reduced the junk I bring in the house!

Weddings have a million choices. Even just picking a wedding vendor isn't simple. You have to CHOSE where to even begin your search - magazines, asking people, websites. Then you have to narrow down who you will call, then you have to set up interviews (chosing times on that and whether you'll bring your mom or fiance), then listen to the vendor and chose whether you will sign the deal or keep looking. Even if you do sign a contract there are a million choices within the vendors options.

I was lucky that we found most wedding vendors through word of mouth. This meant I never interviewed more than one vendor and signed right away, taking out a huge burden initially. And because we had a certain mentality about our wedding - it's about the mood and our friends, NOT about spending a lot of money, it made it easier. Our wedding food was "Just fine", nothing special, our flowers were just fine (my bridal bouquet was very lovely), our reception spot was just fine - the church basement. We had a wonderful wedding because it was about the people we love. And while we didn't spend as much as the national average, we also didn't feel cheated! That is one of the reasons I hate wedding budget talk - the implication is that you either have to spend hundreds of hours "doing-it-yourself" to save money (but what about your TIME?!), or you have to cut important corners by having a morning wedding with punch when everyone has an evening wedding. For some people that's just great but for many of us I think we want our cake and eat it too! :) We have to stand up for what we believe in and what we value and let all the comparisons and wedding magazine photos go by the wayside. They show a reality most of us don't participate in and even worse, the don't show the reality of what is really going on - strained parent relationships, fighting, stress and bitterness that may develop when you plan a high stakes wedding.

I don't have the magic answer to having a wedding on a budget, but I do know that if more of us built a community of support, it would be much easier to make all those wedding decisions and not feel cheated or stressed. Unfortunately those wedding communities by their very nature can't be on the major national wedding websites whose primary revenue comes from the high end advertisers who want us to spend a ton of money on our wedding. If all the brides were frugal the advertisers would not support the website and in turn the website would go away...

So just how do we TAKE BACK OUR WEDDING?!

A White House wedding or simple wedding?

2008-04-22T13:16:00.002-05:00

What would YOU do if you could have a glamorous, high profile White House Wedding? It shows the power of Jenna Bush and what a wedding means to her to chose to not be married there. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24253691/

When she and her fiancé, Henry Hager, started to make plans for their May 10 wedding, the option of the glamorous White House wedding was available to them. And, perhaps to the surprise of many, they rejected it in favor of a private ceremony with a guest list of just 200.
“I guess it maybe says we’re crazy,” Jenna said with a laugh as she explained the decision. “I wanted to be at home, and I wanted it to feel natural and I wanted it to be a private thing. It’s the one day of my life — it happens once — that I want to have a private time with Henry and my family. Plus, I’m not that glamorous. I’m more an outdoor type.”

It makes me think about the wedding magazines I have laying around the house. My husband will take one while he's in the bathroom and admits even he gets sucked into those glamorous ads for wedding locations. You fantasize about what your wedding would be like and then you have to stop yourself. What if you are absolutely NOT a glamorous person and it all makes you nervous? What if your family is very down-to-earth and would feel really uncomfortable in a swank place? Or what if you have an upper crust family and want to get married in a less glamorous place?

Ultimately many of us get a surprise when the "perfect wedding" myth hits home. Our families don't like champagne, or they don't own a tux or can't afford one for a black tie event, or they're afraid to drive in a big city, or they won't travel if it's not in their city. Heck, the fact that everyone doesn't stand and salut to every demand or wish we have is surprising enough! Isn't this OUR DAY? The day to be a princess?

It is funny, this notion of being a princess for a day. If you know about Princess Diana's wedding which arguably changed the wedding culture in the early 80's, she had almost no control or choice! Tradition and legacy dictated every aspect to her big day. So what happened that we now think we deserve to be "all about us"? That's for another post! :)

Wedding canceled because of food disagreement

2008-04-22T13:09:00.001-05:00

I found this online:

One has heard of marriages getting cancelled over demands for dowry. It is seldom that a marriage is called off over an issue as trivial as the demand for serving a specific delicacy, in this case aam ras, to the relatives of the groom. However, this did happen on April 17 ...

Clearly there is a lot more going on and this took place in India. But I thought you'd enjoy the oddity of it!

Out of town wedding guests

2008-04-10T15:55:00.002-05:00

I was just purusing the internet and found an interesting survey from mywedding.com though I don't know how many respondents they had.

How many out-of-town guests are attending your wedding?
29% say Less than 25% of the guest list
24% say About 50% of the guest list
17% say More than 75% of the guest list
15% say About 25% of the guest list
15% say About 75% of the guest list

In summary then, about 4 in 10 brides has just a quarter or less of out of towners (meaning they are probably living and wedding in the same place and they have perhaps lived a closer life with family and friends...)

So 6 of 10 brides has at least half or more of their wedding guests from out of town. This reflects our mobile society, people going away to college and meeting new friends who move away again after graduation. Families split up (relatives) all over the country, and people just don't stay put anymore!

Out of town wedding guests present a lot of interesting relationship "stuff" in wedding planning. Things like:

are they more or less likely to attend your wedding because of travel?
do they require extra attention (save the dates) or extra time (invitations being sent out) to be able to plan for your wedding?
how does an out of town guest know they are invited - even a save the date may be too late if you have a hot wedding month and they don't know if they can leave town for your own event
do you book all price ranges of hotels because of affordability issues or do you try to get all the guests in one hotel that isn't too low-grade for some guests but not too expensive for your poor friends?
are the majority from one place and is there any major event (or weather) in their area that might prevent them from being able to attend?
do you feel obligated to get them out of town gift bags - a growing trend? I did this for all my out of town guests (I had people from 14 states and all our rehearsal dinner was out of towners except my parents!) where I put a bag of goodies in their hotel rooms before they arrived. This adds expense and time but also a personal touch (I wrote a personal note to each person on their bag.)
do you reassess your relationships, particularly with friends, when sending out a wedding invitation? In other words, if the same friend was in town would you easily invite them, but because these people are out of town you might not because you don't know if you're close enough to justify the expense they'll incur to be at your wedding?
the "are children invited?" factor is much more problematic when inviting out of towners. You can't expect guests to find a weekend babysitter back home or to put their kids in a hotel with a strange and expensive baby sitter.
the time of year - out of towners not used to your weather may have big struggles or stress. We could not, being in Minnesota, POSSIBLY have a winter weather with a huge portion of our out of town guests being from the South. They would have had a terrible time driving, not owning the proper winter clothing, and the entire experience would just be more stressful on everyone.

So it appears many of us have the same stress and issues in dealing with out of towners.

Mini-moons are gaining popularity

2008-04-07T14:02:00.003-05:00

Another moon is rising in the sky of romance - a mini-moon.

It's sort of a quickie honeymoon, taken when newlyweds put off their major honeymoon trip and go off on a short getaway instead.

Want to know our spin on this trend? Read on.

The article and movement seems to lack the recognition as a society that a honeymoon is the once-in-a-life-time, unique opportunity to escape post wedding. It is a time when everyone expects you to be gone - family, employers, friends. It is a time to reconnect, decompress, process the wedding, and is that final bridge that gets you from "single but dating" to "we have wedding rings! You are now my husband and I'm your wife! It is even magical for those you come into contact with on the honeymoon. Like pregnant women and new babies, honeymooners elicit a sort of happy sign from people who remember the glory of that newly married time or who see it as the most romantic of all times the couple will experience as a married couple. Honeymooners know they can get free upgrades on planes, hotels, free desserts, and get a lot of smiles from people on their honeymoon travels plus a lot of "how was the wedding" questions.

While a honeymoon a year later may be more practical, financially, I am not sure it would then be a honeymoon. In essence you have given up the honeymoon and are just taking a vacation as a married couple (a wonderful practice but not with the same decompression as the honeymoon right after the wedding.) Or perhaps not a vacation but an anniversary-trip, not something I'm dissing at all, but anniversary celebrations imply celebrating the time you've spent already married. A honeymoon is the fresh beginning of married life.

This movement also begs the question: what has happened in the wedding planning world that it is too hard to plan for your own couple getaway to celebrate, alone, the transition from single to married? When the message out there is that "It's your day, do what you want!" why would you take away from yourself the single time of the wedding that is truly about you - the honeymoon, where no guests are invited (or expect to be there), when your employer doesn't even schedule important meetings for those days or weeks after the wedding date and simply asks "how long" you will be gone rather than "if" you'll be gone.

So perhaps it's a financial strain. I get that, I really do. But even that argument makes me wonder, how many guests at your wedding would rather eat a fancy steak than see you and your spouse-to-be enjoy a really nice honeymoon? Are guests really hoping to get a super nice meal, a fancy wedding favor, and then see you back at work on Monday!? If given the choice, I think most wedding guests would prefer to see a more moderate wedding with a happy couple who can then enjoy themselves on a honeymoon, rather than a high-end wedding filled with stress and debt with no post-wedding, honeymoon bliss.

Should I invite my dad and other "should I's"

2008-04-04T20:55:00.003-05:00

So I'm reading in a bridal magazine and hoping the answer isn't what I think it's going to be... and it is:

"My father has never taken responsibility for me, except when it was convenient for him. Even though I know he loves me, he breaks all his promises. He won't be walking me down the aisle, but now I'm questioning whether I should invite him at all for fear of his ruining my special day. Part of me says, Why should I invite him? He's never been there for me. But he is my father. What do I do?

Answer:: If you don't feel comfortable inviting him, you shouldn't feel pressure to do it. "You don't have to invite him just because he's your father," says long-time family therapist...."

It makes me so sad that our culture has decided the wedding day is not about family, but about the bride, groom and whatever their immediate emotions are and current relationships. Sometimes family really sucks. Sometimes our parents really disapoint us. But unless they are abusive, and even then, it should be a HUGE, rare deal to uninvite a parent to your wedding.

The problems with not inviting the dad are many:
1 - is the JOY you get at not having him there greater than the pain and agony he'll experience for the rest of his entire LIFE at you not letting him show up for your big day?
2 - he's the reason you exist, he's got his issues, but what happens if and when you reconcile with him? How much regret will you experience having to tell your future children that "mommy was mad at granddaddy and told him he couldn't come?" And better still, how will that not teach your own children that parenthood is not a permanent thing but based on the whim of the child as to whether a parent should be involved in one of the largest days of your life.
3 - you aren't just hurting dad but your siblings, your family and even your spouse for not letting this man experience the joy of seeing you, and the joy of HIS loved ones participating in your big day, together, as a big family.
4 - cut offs take two to tango. Are you sure you really want to play the game? Are you sure you won't have a single regret should he pass away suddenly, or should you come to peace with his irresponsible ways?

And a note on family therapy. The world of family therapy involves being trained in "family systems", a model similar to a biological model whereby everything is interrelated and interconnected. If you work on one spouse, that will have ripple effects on the other spouse, the relationship and extended family. But one thing family therapists are told NOT to be is pro-family. They are trained in supposed "values-neutral" approaches to problems whereby what is going to make an individual the happiest is the best solution - regardless of the short term, long term, personal or family "costs" to the decision. You can read a lot more on my father and co-founder of The First Dance, Bill's website at http://www.drbilldoherty.org

So what would I say to that bride? You love him. He loves you. He's not perfect, nor are you. Do you really think it's worth giving back to him what he gave you to - emotional distancing and avoidance? Do you really wish that pain on him or do you see a new way to go about life - one filled with forgiveness, or at the very least, one-day-forgiveness for such an important day of your life. Afterall, what are you going to tell your kids some day and what will it teach them about the parent/child relationship? That it's voluntary and if they're mad at you some day you will be uninvited to their weddings?

Virginia Premarital counseling classes!

2008-03-19T09:18:00.002-05:00

Now you can learn about marriage and dealing with your families WHILE TALKING ABOUT YOUR WEDDING! These classes are actually being offered in many states. You should talk to your marriage educator to get these offered in your area! :)

http://www.thefirstdance.com/group-va.php

The national list (that doesn't include all the classes, just those who asked to be listed) is http://www.thefirstdance.com/group.php

Newly engaged on Valentines Day!

2008-02-14T14:44:00.002-06:00

Here is a shout out to all the couples who will be getting engaged today, the largest day of engagements followed by Christmas.

There is nothing quite like the proposal and the ring. The excitement, the possibility, the feeling that you are taking a huge step toward the "rest of your life." For those of us who grew up wanting to get married, it means the search is over and you can enter a new phase of life.

I can honestly say that things changed after I got married - after the wedding ceremony. I felt a calmness, a sense of security and well-being that I could not have predicted before. It was like I was finally "home", with my new family (my husband) on the path of my adult life.

Here I sit now, four years later, with two small children. My father is going to babysit as my mom is visiting my in-laws (yes, my mom and mother-in-law get along like long lost best friends) so he is Valentineless. Going on dates now our engagement period feels like an eternity ago and yet it is still filled with memories of excitement, hope and wonder. The unknown and all its potential.

So here's to all you new brides and grooms who said "I will" today or tonight. I wish you nothing but the joy that a good marriage brings and the humility to know that marriage is NOT about you but about a new "us".

Temptations and obsessions in wedding planning and beyond

2008-02-03T07:39:00.001-06:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about how there are so many temptations in wedding planning that can cause great frustration. You maybe run into the most amazing wedding invitations, or go to a wedding and they have a photo booth and you just LOVED IT and really want one for your wedding....

but money is tight and you know it isn't necessary or a responsible financial decision...

but you really, really can't stop thinking about it. You begin the slow (or fast) process of justifying why you need it, want it, why it isn't that much of a waste of money, or take the "life is short, just do it!" approach.

How does your spouse-to-be handle temptations? Are you often on the same page or have the same process of rationalizing bad decisions?

Right now the big temptation for my husband and me are the coolest pairs of eye glasses that combined are about a mortgage payment! We fell completely in love with our respective glasses at this boutique shop and can't find anything remotely satisfying anywhere else. It is to the point I'd rather not get new glasses at all than "compromise" on a lesser pair than the ones I found. My justifications are that I've had my pair for 8 years, that I'll be doing extra consultations soon and can use that extra money for something I really want. My husband tries to justify that if he loves this pair so much that instead of buying glasses every 3 years or so (he wears them out fast!) that he can just get new lenses. The problem there are the lenses are really pricey, too, not just the frame.

We feel like we went shopping at a Lexus store and are now trying to find a Lexus-quality car at a Yugo shop! We regret ever going to the eye glass boutique store and wish we could just forget it.

Wedding planning can bring these feelings out in spades because you have the pressure of "THE once in a life time day" and the romantic notions around weddings. There is so much pressure to make it The perfect day and to reflect "your style"... even though most of us don't go around wearing tuxes and wedding dresses on a daily basis. : -)

One of the pieces of advice we got from my former bosses husband has stuck with us. During our wedding reception he highly encouraged us to go travel and have fun on our honeymoon. I believe it was in reference to a gorgeous china cabinet we wanted to get but was really expensive (we apparently have expensive taste in things, ugh!) He basically said that a fire can burn down your possessions but when you are up all night with two young children and life is wearing you down, you will always have those MEMORIES. It's the memories of experiences that lives on well beyond any furniture, or eye glasses, or "stuff". This is of course part of the way the wedding industry tries to sell us on the "stuff" of wedding planning, but sometimes, just sometimes, there is truth to it.

So what would make a memory and what is the unnecessary "stuff" you can say no to wedding planning to free yourself to make memories later with the money saved? Can you block the temptations that you know are not necessary to make a beatiful wedding? Can you move past the decision to have a less exciting....dress, food, music, because ultimately you are chosing to save money or to reduce your stress and time spent planning by being able to MOVE ON once a choice has been made?

College course in wedding planning

2008-01-28T22:43:00.000-06:00

Did you read that a university in Virginia is offering a college level course in wedding planning? Amazing sign of the times. The professor took a year to get it accepted and made it so challenging she had to ratched it back to a non-graduate level course.

Amazing is all I can say!

What is marriage for, anyway?

2008-01-20T20:31:00.000-06:00

With so many professionals, lay people and religious folks focusing on marriage, we have to ask, what is marriage for, anyway?

The answer is not what is important but rather -do you and your fiance(e) have the same answer? So many communication problems occur in expectations we hold dear to our hearts but don't think to express. Women stereotypically want the romance and chilvary while the guy assumes what the woman thinks and feels is what she says - and if she doesn't say anything, she must be doing fine.

I don't personally resonate with the religious side of marriage so it makes me a smaller minority of "marriage freaks" who believe in marriage outside of any religious significance to the relationship.

For me marriage is about facing life along side someone who is there for you emotionally, physically, spiritually (however you define that) and financially. Life can really beat you down and to go through life with your one true partner - the person who is going to grow old with you, hold your hand through lifes ups and downs, the person who knows you better than anyone else, this is part of what marriage is to me.

I also think marriage is the best way to bring children into this world. This isn't politically correct to say anymore and I do not think people are morally inferior for having children outside of marriage. But, from my core of how I was raised and all I saw around me (divorce is ugly, single parenthood is not something most would chose on their own) and how children are naturally a product of two people - well, call me old fashioned but marriage is a wonderful start for children. Who wouldn't want to be brought into this world wanted by the two people who are responsible for your existance??? And better yet those people love each OTHER and can model to you what love looks like.

I also think marriage is for others. It is one of those signals to family, your parents, to friends and to the broader society that you are a unit. A unit has different expectations put on it and expected from it. If you attend a cousins wedding with a boyfriend, he is most likely going to sit out for family photos. If he's a fiancee or husband he IS family and IS going to be in the photos.

Similarly for parents it is an important signal for whether they should deeply get to know and bond and love the boyfriend/girlfriend or whether this is one of a few relationships their adult child will have before finding The One. As a parent you would treat the holidays and family functions differently with a "boyfriend" around vs a son-in-law.

I sometimes like to use the "funeral" litmus test. If you had a very important event that you were in charge of or test to take, or some big responsibility and someone died, almost everyone would completely understand if it were your spouse or your inlaws and you had to attend to your sorrow/funeral. If this was your boyfriend, they'd be sad for you but it wouldn't be the outpouring like a spouse, and if it were your boyfriends parents who died they would admit that was very sad but chances are pretty low you would be able to get out of an important meeting or function just because you were in mourning. Those people were not related to you and they would not view you as the primary support person for your boyfriend the way they would if it was your husband AND the inlaws.

So there you have it. Marriage (in my own view), is for deep personal gain, marriage is an ideal setting for children (for we all would aspire to be brought into this world loved by both our mother and father who also love each other and can model for us what a loving adult relationship can be), and marriage is for the broader community to separate the casual relationship with the commited relationship.

Wedding Planning: HANDLING DIFFERENCES WITH YOUR FAMILIES

2008-01-03T09:47:00.000-06:00

CHAPTER FIVE from our book Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning, available on Amazon.com for $12.99 (link to the right!)

HANDLING DIFFERENCES WITH YOUR FAMILIES

“What? Two thousand dollars for a dress you will wear just once? That’s obscene!”
“We don’t care how many cousins your fiancé’s family feel they have to invite, they will just have to stay within the number of guests we gave them.”
“I can’t believe her parents are so chintzy. Tell them we will pay for the flowers so that the wedding doesn’t look second rate.”
“When your grandmother finds out you are not marrying in the church, it will kill her.”
“If your mother and her boyfriend come to your wedding, I will not show up. It’s your choice.”

Ask newlywed couples what were the trickiest parts of their wedding planning and the majority will tell you it was not dealing with caterers, photographers or wedding planners—it was the relatives. This should not surprise anyone. A wedding is the grandest family event, the family’s main act on the big stage. It generally costs a sizable amount of money, it involves nearly everyone important to the family, it puts the family’s tastes and values on public display, it often involves religion, it launches a major change in family relationships, it brings together two family clans who did not know each other, and it involves hundreds of decisions made by different combinations of people who care deeply that everything comes off beautifully--and affordably.

On top of these standard family dynamics surrounding weddings, add the idiosyncrasies and flaws of family members on both sides. The bride’s mother who never got to plan her own wedding and now is determined to have her way with yours. The bride’s stubborn, practical father who complains vocally every time he hears a price. The bride’s competitive sister who is outraged that she is not the maid of honor. The groom’s mother who is the maven of good taste and frequent commentator on decisions outside of her influence. The stepmother on either side who is determined to stick it to her husband’s “ex.” This is the stuff of theatre, and the script has many authors. You can’t write the whole script, just your own part, but how you handle your role may determine whether the inevitable struggles and mishaps turn out as comedy or tragedy. We want to help you play your part in family disagreements with integrity; in so doing, you just might bring out the best instead of the worst in your fellow family members.

FIGURING OUT WHAT’S GOING ON
Some family disagreements are inevitable in planning a wedding; no two people are going to spontaneously agree on the hundreds of decisions involved. We have listed a number of common conflict areas in Table 5.1, ranging from early decisions such as the date of the wedding to later decisions such as the invitations. Sometimes the sources of these disagreements are straightforward—for example, differences in styles, tastes, or even schedules—and other times they run deeper, for example, family loyalty about who should be invited to the wedding. We like to make a distinction between routine conflicts that can be resolved amicably after a couple of conversations, and deeper conflicts that leave everyone feeling hurt and misunderstood.

Routine conflicts lend themselves to compromise. You want an artsy cake and your mother wants a traditional one, and you settle on something in between. You want a small wedding and your parents (who are paying) want to invite everyone they ever met; you compromise somewhere in between. Routine conflicts also lend themselves to one side coming around to other’s position after reflecting on it. You wanted to get married on January 2 and your parents convinced you that holiday and school schedules make it too difficult for family members who will be traveling to the wedding; you set the date later in the month. Although there may be a few tense moments during a routine conflict, basically you feel good that you worked it out with everyone feeling heard and understood.

Table 5.1
DIFFICULT CONFLICT WITH PARENTS
Here are some major areas of conflict that occur between engaged couples and their parents. Following them is a list of issues or concerns that may underlie conflicts that don’t seem to get resolved--the disagreements that come up over and over and lead to hurt feelings.

Areas of Conflict
1. Location of the wedding
2. Date and time
3. Style of invitations
4. Style of wedding ceremony
5. Money/budget
6. Number of guests
7. Invitation list
8. Bride’s Dress
9. Food and drink at reception
10. Photographer
11. Music
12. Who officiates
13. Cake
14. Wedding party (number, specific people)

Then there are the deeper conflicts, often over the same issues, that drive you up the wall. For these conflicts, you have to look at possible underlying sources in order to understand what is going on and how to deal with it. You know that you are dealing with a deeper conflict when the following things are going on:
· There are raised voices every time you discuss the matter.
· Someone shuts down and won’t talk about the matter anymore.
· You are not feeling heard, or your parents are not feeling heard.
· You are stalemated; there is no progress after two or three conversations.
· You or your parents are feeling personally attacked.
· Language is getting inflammatory (“I don’t care for…” becomes “I can’t stand…”)
· Third parties are getting pulled into the conflict (as in “Your sisters agree with me that the cake you want is gross.”)

When conflicts have some of these ingredients, the solution may require figuring out the underlying fears, concerns, or values that are driving the disagreement, and dealing with those. In other words, the way out of the impasse starts with an effort to understand what is driving it. Say your mother can’t abide the wedding invitations you like. She gripes about the color, the font, the size of the envelopes, and the wording. You find yourself defending your taste under an onslaught of criticism that ends with your mother saying something passive aggressive such as, “But it’s your wedding; you’re old enough to know what you want.” Of course you could just go ahead with the invitations, especially if you are paying for them yourselves, but you feel badly about just overriding your mother’s objections. (And you worry that she will harbor a grudge and make life difficult on future decisions.) But the discussions go nowhere when you say, “The font is large enough to read; I showed it to some of my friends,” and your mother shoots back, “Your friends have younger eyes than my friends, and whoever saw yellow wedding invitations?” “They are goldenrod,” you volley back. If the coming year is going to be this way, you think, eloping looks mighty attractive.

Rather than give in or just override your mother’s views, you can try to understand concerns that she may or may not be voicing. We are assuming for the moment that your mother is not congenitally negative and controlling; if she is, then you need a different strategy we will discuss later in the book. The following strategies usually work with relatives who are being difficult but who are not impossible people.

Your first task, again, is to figure out what is not being put clearly on the table. When people seem irrationally negative or stubborn, there is usually an underlying fear or concern. For weddings, here are some underlying concerns of parents that that can fuel conflicts. The unexpressed concerns may be yours as well; don’t overlook the possibility that you are the one being irrationally negative or stubborn. Look at Table 5.2 for common messages, usually not clearly expressed, that underlie many difficult conflicts during the planning of a wedding. If a strong disagreement you are having with a parent (or someone else) does not make sense to you, ask yourself whether someone may have one of the feelings we outline in the table.

Table 5.2
SOME UNDERLYING SOURCES OF WEDDING CONFLICTS
Ask yourself (or your parents, if your relationship is good enough) if one or more of the following issues might be underlying a difficult conflict.

1. I feel like I don’t count to you; my needs, wishes, and values don’t seem to matter.
2. I will be embarrassed in front of my people.
3. My side of the family is being treated unfairly.
4. I am being taken advantage of by my ex-spouse.
5. My religious values are being compromised.
6. I can’t afford what you are asking for.
7. If I do this for you, I will feel disloyal to someone else.
8. I thought this was mostly my decision and now you have made it.
9. I am not getting enough credit for the time and money I am putting into this wedding.
10. I am ambivalent (or negative) about this wedding: either about the person you are marrying or about the fact that you are getting married at this moment in your life.

In the case of wedding invitations, we know a family in which the bride’s mother feared that the non-traditional invitations signaled that the entire wedding would be something that she and her family and friends would feel uncomfortable attending. She blurted this out when her daughter, during melt down argument, burst into tears and asked, “Why are you being so mean about me wanting these lovely invitations?” Her mother then let out her real fear: “I don’t want to be the mother of the bride of a hippie wedding! I want it to have some dignity!” Her daughter then reassured her that the wedding would be mostly traditional—flower girls, bridesmaids, an organ, the works—but that she and her fiancé wanted to have more contemporary invitations. Her mother took in this reassurance, and came to accept the invitations with some degree of grace.

The bride and groom could perhaps have cut short this painful chapter on the invitations if, after the initial flurry of conflict, they had tried to sort out what mother was really worried about. One way to do this is by asking a direct question. During a calm moment, away of any controversial topics, pop the question: “Mom, I know you are not happy with the invitations we are thinking of choosing. Could you tell me what your biggest concern is?” To ask this question constructively, you have to be ready for an answer that may trouble you, as in “I don’t want this to be a hippie wedding,” or “My friends will think it’s off the wall.” If you have guessed that this might be her answer, then you can be prepared to reassure her that there are lots of decisions ahead, that many of them will come out in ways that she and her friends will find familiar and comforting, and that in fact you and she share many of the same wishes for the wedding. (If you and your parent have strikingly different visions of the wedding, this should have been made clear at the outset of the wedding planning [see chapter three], in which case you would not even be in this dialogue about the invitations.)

Sometime parents cannot or will not tell you what is most troubling them. They will stay fixated on the details, like the color of the invitations or the cake, or they will just clam up. In that case, you can try to elicit the concern they are afraid to voice, as in “I wonder if you are worried that we are going to end up with a hippie wedding.” Or “Are you afraid that everything about this wedding is going to seem foreign to you and your friends?” There is a good chance that she will come clean if you ask the question in a sensitive, loving way. Then you can try to reassure her instead of arguing defensively about the invitations.

Use Table 5.2 as a guide to trying to figure out what might be the underlying concerns family members might bring to conflicts over wedding plans. Here’s a rule of thumb: if the disagreement cannot be resolved in a couple of conversations, and if it gets more polarized with further discussion, then there is an issue underlying that is not being expressed. If you can’t put the concern on the table, it bites everyone under the table. Getting it out in the open does not mean that simple reassurance will always resolve the disagreement, as it did in the wedding invitation example; we’ll talk later about other strategies. But at least you know what you are dealing with—and it’s not the icing on the cake.

NEGOTIATING DIFFERENCES WITH YOUR PARENTS
After focusing on what the real issues are, the second key to resolving differences with families is to be clear for yourselves about which decisions are subject to revision--and therefore negotiable--and which decisions are final and not negotiable. Presumably most should be in the first category, based on the premise that there is rarely only one correct way to do something. Maybe you would like to have all the wedding photos done before the service, but your mother argues that it will be too taxing on grandma to arrive an hour before the service. So you do the photos with grandma after the service. Your father says that his Uncle Charlie really, really wants to do his skit at the groom’s dinner—the one he does at all the weddings. You think it’s corny and will take away from the classiness of the occasion, but you go along, bearing in mind that no one remembers these events anyway. The salmon was by far the best dish the caterer serves, but your parents draw the line at $30 per plate and you settle for the chicken Kiev, bearing in mind that no one remembers the food at receptions. You really would prefer your best friend as your maid of honor, but your mother begs you not to dishonor your sister by excluding her from this role in the wedding. Your sister says she does not care, but it’s obvious your mother does. So you go along, bearing in mind that a good friend will understand. You go along without rancor or a sense of being victimized, because you realize that your wedding has many stakeholders and it’s OK to bend on the things that are not at the core of your values.

Other times, just giving in does not work for you because you care more about this part of the wedding. You then use your negotiation skills. As you learn what good wedding photographers cost, your parents get skittish about paying for the quality of photos that you prefer. Rather than make this a standoff, you can look at the underlying concerns on both sides and negotiate accordingly. Your parents’ concerns are monetary, yours are aesthetic. There are a couple of ways to negotiate this. One is to reassure your parents that you will stay within the wedding budget agreed to earlier, and will cut costs on other aspects of the wedding to offset the higher than expected photography expenses. Another is to say that you would like to pay for the photography yourselves, since you realize that this expense is considerably more than your parents had counted on. Of course, you have to make this offer with an open heart and not with resentment. Here is some language for this conversation:

“Mom and Dad, we’ve been thinking about the photography costs and agree with you that they are higher than any of us thought they would be, and we want to stay within budget. What we’d like to do is to handle the wedding photography costs ourselves, and that way we can all stop worrying about how we will have to cut costs in other parts of the wedding. We are handling the honeymoon, and we’d like to handle the photography. Would that be all right with you?”

If you can’t offer to cover an expense with this kind of spirit, then don’t try. Your parents will feel you are being passive aggressive, offering to pay it yourself while expecting them to decline your offer. But if you can negotiate this as adults with adults, it is likely to lead to a good outcome—either your parents accept your decision or you all agree to watch the other expenses and try to not break the bank.

Then there are the big decisions that are not negotiable. This will differ for each couple, so our examples may not apply to you. It may be very important to you that the wedding ceremony reflect the religious traditions of both spouses. Sometimes this can be accommodated in one ceremony, even though relatives on either side might be uncomfortable. Other times this will require something more radical--we know a couple who had two ceremonies: a Christian one and a Hindu one. In either case, your parents and relatives will just have to accept your decision and make the best of it. Your job is not to ask if they are OK with your decision but to keep them informed about what to expect at an unfamiliar religious service. Later we will deal with the situation where someone threatens a boycott.

Another rule of thumb: do not ask for feedback on decisions that are not negotiable. That sends a mixed message to your family. Don’t ask, “How would you feel about having a rabbi do the service with our minister” if you have already decided the matter, and it’s agreeable to the two clergy persons. Just say, “We want to let you know that we have lined up David’s rabbi and our minister to do the service.” If your parents complain about the arrangement later on when you are discussing the details of the service, you can gently remind them that it’s a done deal. Most people find a way to accept that which is inevitable when, “resistance is futile.” On your end, you may have to accept the fact that your parents do not fully support your decision, and then not seek their emotional approval. It’s part of being emotionally ready for marriage.

NEGOTIATING DIFFERENCES ACROSS FAMILIES
Conflict between the bride’s and groom’s families are some of the trickiest parts of wedding planning. Table 5.3 lists common areas of conflict and possible sources of conflicts that keep coming up and cause hurt feelings.

For Maria and Jason’s wedding, the big problem was the guest list. The head count had been set month before, but now Jason’s mother asked to invite twenty additional people from her work setting. At fifty dollars per person for the banquet, this request shocked the bride’s parents, who were already concerned about the size of the wedding based on the mother’s large and boisterous Latino family. In fact, this was one of the reasons the groom’s divorced mother wanted her friends along; she thought she would feel overwhelmed by this large family from a different culture (she was an only child from a soft spoken Norwegian family and had few relatives) and wanted support from her coworkers since she did not have a husband to support her at the event. After some struggle and hurt feelings on both sides, the issue was resolved in a way that serves as a good example of wedding negotiations:

· The groom’s mother was clear about what need she was trying to meet by inviting twenty new guests. She was not arguing that these were her dearest friends in the world or that she owed them because they had all invited her to their kids’ weddings. Her need for support was out on the table.
· The bride’s parents’ issue was also out on the table: the unanticipated expense of feeding twenty extra people. Although they wondered privately why this woman felt the need for so many support people, they wisely kept these concerns to themselves and certainly did not share them with the groom, who would have felt defensive for his mother.
· The bride and groom suggested a middle ground: to invite the group of ten coworkers but not their spouses or partners. This would give the mother the same access to support people (her coworkers were her friends, not their significant others) and would be less expensive for the bride’s parents. This solution involved some bending of protocol for invitations to a wedding, which calls for inviting a spouse or partner of the invitee’s choice. The deal involved the groom’s mother willingness to take responsibility for explaining the situation to her co-workers, which she was willing to do.
· The whole situation would have been better if the groom’s mother initially had been more sensitive to the expense she was asking the other family to incur, instead of just announcing her wishes. She could have offered to pay for the extra guests, and allowed the bride’s parents to graciously decline, or better yet, she could have told her son that she was feeling the need for more support people, and then problem solved this with him instead of announcing her solution. For example, they might have come up with the idea of inviting two or three people that she is closest to, instead of everyone on her work team. But having missed those opportunities for collaborative problem solving, at least she was willing to compromise on the final number and take the heat for not inviting spouses and partners.

This scenario points to guidelines for managing conflicts between families in wedding planning, which (next to divorce situations) are the most delicate challenges most couples face. The key is for everyone to keep both families’ needs and perspectives in mind from the start. It doesn’t matter who is paying for the wedding—the couple, the bride’s parents or the groom’s parents. Both families are stakeholders. When one of them feels they don’t count or are being treated unfairly, it’s trouble for everyone—and not a good way to start a marriage.

Table 5.3
AREAS OF CONFLICT BETWEEN YOUR FAMILIES

Common Areas of Conflict

1. Religious differences
2. Guest list
3. Money—who pays for what
4. Money—differences in how families spend
5. Regional differences in wedding expectations
6. Cultural differences in wedding expectations

Possible Underlying Sources of Conflict

1. Feeling left out
2. Feeling unfairly burdened
3. Not getting enough credit for contributions to the wedding
4. Fear of losing one’s child to the other family
5. Sense that one’s culture is not being respected
6. Sense that one’s religion is not being respected
7. Feeling “shown up” by the other family’s greater wealth
8. Doubts about the suitability of the new spouse

An unfortunately common scenario is that the bride and her family dictate the terms of the wedding arrangements to the groom’s family. We think it’s a mistake to give decrees such as how many guests the other family can invite, without a dialogue first to find out how many they want to invite. Even 50-50 arrangements on guests can feel unfair if one family has a huge clan and the other just a few living relatives. Sometimes one early decision, such as where to hold the reception, constrains future decisions and leads to one family feeling left out. For example, your decision to have the reception in a beautiful but small place may mean that the groom’s parents cannot invite beloved relatives or life long friends whose family weddings they themselves have attended. This implication had not occurred to you or the bride’s parents when choosing the facility, perhaps because you knew the bride’s network would be easily accommodated. That’s why we recommend getting the big picture of everyone’s expectations before making any decisions that seriously constrain future options. That’s not to say that everyone’s expectations have to be fulfilled, but it is a lot more sensitive to let the parents of the groom know early on that it will be a small wedding so that they can let their network know, rather than dealing with the fallout months later when you say, “Oh by the way, you can only invite forty people, which is all we can handle and which will work fine for the other family.”

WHEN YOUR PARENTS ARE DIVORCED
Far and away the most difficult negotiations occur with parents who are divorced. It seems not to matter if the divorce occurred a year ago or twenty years ago, although current spouses and boyfriends/girlfriends always make things more complicated no matter when the divorce happened. Let’s begin with a positive story, one that can help you appreciate your divorced parents and stepparents when they do come through for you. Marsha had raised Becky since infancy, along with Becky’s father. Becky’s mother Sue had been in and of her daughter’s life but now wanted back in for the wedding. Although Becky was far closer to her stepmother, she accepted her mother’s wishes and made her the central person for the wedding planning and the wedding ceremony (despite the fact that Sue was paying for little of the event). Marsha felt sick about being cast aside in favor of a woman she felt had been a poor mother over the years; Marsha felt that she herself had been Becky’s real mother.
It helped enormously that Marsha was a woman of uncommon maturity and insight, and that her husband, Becky’s father, was very supportive. She realized that Becky was trying to draw her mother back into her life, afraid that if she did not make her mother the central wedding figure, she would be gone again from Becky’s life. (Marsha was her secure female parent.) Unfortunately, Becky was not able to say this to Marsha; she was probably not consciously aware of her complex feelings. Marsha decided to absorb the hurt and not lay a guilt trip on Becky. She did not turn the wedding into a loyalty bid for Becky by competing with her mother. She stayed on the sidelines, managing her grief and resentment with the support of her husband and friends. She could have ruined the wedding for Marsha by going to battle with Sue, but she acted like a good mother, with the hope that someday, perhaps when Becky has children, the two of them can talk openly about it.

Sadly, many divorced parents and stepparents are not able or willing to keep their child’s needs first in the crucible of a wedding. Negotiations can make the Middle East seem like child’s play. We have some ideas to help you make the best of the situation and to keep yourself and your couple relationship intact. To start, let’s go back to our first principle: understand what the deeper issues are behind stubborn or irrational demands. Here are a few common issues that underlie conflicts in divorced families as they deal with a wedding:

· Because I raised you, my needs and desires come first.
· Because I did not get a chance to raise you, I will not be sidelined now.
· I gave that woman so much money over the years, I’m not spending a dime more for this fancy wedding she wants to put on.
· I spent so much money raising you, that cheapskate can come through now.
· That woman your father left me for has ruined my life, and I won’t have her ruin this wedding.
· That man your mother left me for has ruined by life, etc.
· Your father/mother insisting on bringing along their new “friend” is a direct slap at me on this happy day.
· I’m your mother. I will not be upstaged by your stepmother.

Notice that the couple getting married are not central to these concerns; the drama unfolds mainly between the ex-spouses who are often unaware that they are putting their own needs way ahead of their children’s. The wedding is either the latest act in their longstanding struggle or it activates earlier grief and resentment between parents who may have been doing fairly well in recent years. In either case, you will do better with your parents if you can empathize with the pain and hurt that underlies their difficult behavior—and then deal with them with both compassion and firmness. In some ways, you have to be the parent here when your parents are acting like hurt children. Sometimes, of course, it’s just one parent acting badly, with the other parents able to manage the complex feelings and be there for you. That parent is a treasure, something you should let him or her know.

Here’s our advice, not based on personal experience like so much else in this book, but based on what we’ve learned from watching and talking with others, and from Bill’s experience as a therapist.

1. Remind yourself that you cannot control your parents. You can only take responsibility for your own actions. Ultimately, they will each play this out as they personally decide.
2. Keep in mind that the rest of the world sees your parents as responsible for themselves. In the worse case scenario (it’s good to think about this), if they behave horribly in public, no one will blame you; they will feel sorry for you.
3. If you are focusing on the demanding behavior of one of your stepparents, your anger is probably misplaced—it should be focused on your parent who is permitting their partner to act badly and who is not standing up for you. Sometimes the stepparent is actually the stand in for the parent who is too chicken to make trouble directly. Talk first (and firmly) with your parent, not your stepparent.
4. Your main job is to clearly define for yourself and others what you want and need, and what you will accept and not accept in your parents’ behavior. For example, if your father continually says, “Your mother always gets her way anyway,” don’t defend your mother but rather challenge your father: “Dad, that kind of line bothers me and is not helpful in planning this wedding. Would you please stop?” When your mother says, “I wonder what your father’s latest bimbo will wear to the wedding,” you can cut her off at the pass with “Mom, I’m not going to be catty with you. Say that kind of thing to your friends.”
5. Negotiate openly with both sides. Agree to keep no secrets. If there are disagreements about how many people will be invited from each side of the family, be open about that fact and suggest everyone negotiate as adults. If your mother wants clarity about who will be in what family photos, let everyone know that this issue has come up, and work on a solution in advance of the wedding day. There are rarely any surprise concerns in divorced families; the roles and scripts are well known.
6. When discussing extended family, don’t allow the conversation to get sidetracked into comments about who turned against whom during the divorce. Remind your parents that the other parent may not be their family anymore, but they are still your family.
7. You probably have more clout than you realize, because deep down your parents probably do cherish you and want you to have a good wedding. Your best appeal is not for understanding of an “ex” but for understanding that you do not want to be in the middle and that you need support during an exciting but difficult time in your life. “Do it for me” can be your mantra. Most of the time, both divorced and non-divorced parents alike will rally and support their kids, swallowing what they have to swallow. But what if they don’t? That’s what we turn to next.

WHEN FAMILY MEMBERS MAKE THREATS OR ULTIMATUMS
Here we are talking about two kinds of situations: minor threats and major ones. The first is when someone is being passive-aggressive about a decision that cannot be reversed. You decided months ago on the menu, and now your grandmother declares, “This food is going to be so fancy I won’t eat a bit of it.” Ignore grandma, or say “More for the rest of us,” if you can get away with saying it playfully. Sometimes a relative has a track record making histrionic statements like, “I’m sure I will faint in the aisle of a church that does not worship the one true God.” Bring smelling salts. Often these relatives don’t make the comment to you directly, but someone else in the family has the poor judgment to pass it on to you. Sometimes the one who passes on the comment has the same objection, but is hiding behind someone else. Don’t engage. Laugh it off.

The second kind is more serious and has to be engaged: a threat by parents to boycott the wedding if they do not get their way. In intact families, the most common scenario is religious, when you marry someone outside the faith or when you marry outside of the family’s religious setting. Again, the first step is to seek to understand. Some traditionally religious parents believe that they are putting their own souls at risk by participating in another religious service. This is not the teaching of any major religion, and you can ask your parents to check with their religious leader to confirm that. In other words, no religion we are aware of decrees punishment for a parent who sits through a child’s wedding in a different faith tradition.
The issue is more likely that the parents do not accept the fact that their child is marrying outside of the faith and are registering their objection by threatening to boycott the wedding service. If you have decided that your religious (or non-religious) wedding is important to you, then you cannot let your parents blackmail you by their threats. But neither should you engage in screaming matches with them, thereby allowing them to punish you emotionally for making the wrong choice of spouse and religion.

A word about angry exchanges with parents and other relatives: A few episodes of anger are healthy when a parent is threatening to boycott a wedding or being otherwise seriously out of line, but after a few angry conversations, why stay on that path? Instead, we suggest you call a meeting of the four of you—major conversations like this should involve both parents and both members of the couple--and calmly tell your parents that you have listened to their concerns and know that this wedding is hard for them because it will be outside their faith. Then tell them that you will not be changing the wedding plans and that you hope that they will be able to find a way to participate. Say that you will make any reasonable accommodations that might help them get through it, including not participating actively in the ceremony. Then say that you will not be talking with them again about this matter and that they can let you know their final decision at a later date.

If they continue to say they will not attend the wedding, say that it’s their choice; it will make you very sad, and you hope they will change their minds, but it’s their choice. Let them cook on it for a time; there is a good chance that one of the parents feels less strongly than the other and will work on that parent to relent. At the end of the day, most parents get to their children’s wedding—holding their noses perhaps, but they get there.

We have emphasized the challenges and hard parts of handling disagreements with your parents during the wedding planning. It can seem too hard to work through these issues carefully and constructively, and instead some couples cave in to their parents or else try to wrestle them to the ground on every issue. But the payoff from handling this challenging process well is that your bonds with your parents grow stronger, more adult-to-adult and less parent-to-child. The wedding becomes a joint accomplishment and source of pride. Even when these good outcomes do not all happen, you can marry with the sense that you kept your integrity along the way, that you were strong personally and pulled together as a couple, that you listened with compassion, compromised when you could, and stayed the course without rancor or self-doubt when your core principles were at stake. What better way to start your life’s journey together?

Why do people care about marriage? Why the obsession of clergy and others?

2008-01-02T19:59:00.000-06:00

In a multi-part blog series I will ruminate on why some people are so into premarital counseling and marriage in general. I will also talk more about what it is, what it isn't, how many options there are, and myths around it.

Let's start with why in the world anyone ELSE cares about your marriage? Why would grown adults spend thousands of dollars to get credentialed to do premarital counseling then more money trying to advertise their services, set up a website, all in the hopes of helping couples for Not Much Financial Gain? Why did my dad go to school until he was 33 years old to get a degree in marriage and family therapy? Why did Cicero over 2,000 years ago in Rome say, "The first bond of society is marriage?" Why does the government care, why do your parents care and why does your church obsess about marriage, have rules about when and how you can get married and rules about how or if you can end your marriage? Why are we now spending a national average of about $27,000 for ONE day that marks the beginning of marriage?

Why is there a conference called http://www.smartmarriages.com that people spend a few hundred dollars to attend, plus hotel and airfare, plus almost 12 hours a day for up to about 6 days, to learn, get credentialed, and network with otherse ALL ON THE TOPIC OF MARRIAGE? Over 2,500 couples, clergy, counselors, lay leaders and others attended this conference last year - so big that it can't be held in a huge number of hotels across the nation.

Big drumroll, please........

Marriage is the beginning, middle, and end of our entire society. It drastically alters our society in every way. If you take financial health, mental health, physical health, community involvement, home ownership, then add confidence, self-esteem and educational levels of children it all is STRIKINGLY BETTER IN MARRIAGE. This isn't some ultra conservative religious viewpoint or someones guess or made up. There is so much data to back this up that our government (whether you like it or not!) gave $400 million dollars for the next 5 years to creative programs that are trying to strengthen marriage. Strengthening marriages will greatly alter our poverty levels, the achievement of our children, not to mention make our communities stronger, healthier and lets face it - the vast majority (something like 96%) of all people WANT to be married.

Of course this is all fine and dandy but what if you have no idea what a good marriage looks like? Or what if you have unrealistic notions of the relationship? Or if you are so afraid of it you would rather live with your boyfriend or girlfriend for years before commiting? When is that magical day that you will wake up and have completed the "test" that you're ready to marry? What if your own mental health issues are getting in the way of you creating strong bonds with others?

These are some of the reasons there are thousands upon thousands (28,000 members alone of the Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, another 24,000 members of the California association) of people dedicating their entire working and financial lives to helping people have better marriages.

We are playing our small part here at www.TheFirstDance.com to connect what happens in your wedding to the marriage itself. I like to think of myself as the outsider GenX person who is entering this marriage education world with fresh eyes, questioning some things, seeing the stereotypes that are true and untrue about "marriage people" and most of all trying to convey a down home, non-religious sensibility to this crazy little thing called marriage.

The First Dance, why our name

2007-12-19T21:24:00.001-06:00

I have been smiling every day this week as I notice we have "stalkers" trying to figure out why and how we are ranked #1 for "The first dance" on all search engines. I know this because the URL is a website to find "keywords" for websites that rank higher than you, though for those of you who know anything about websites, keywords are only a small part of the equation of search engine optimization.

In any event, our name is both wonderful and confusing. The wedding world is full of thousands of names with the word "wedding", "wed" and all sorts of other combinations in them so we knew it would be challenging to use those words. We were talking with a branding expert who was mentioning "the tango" which locally is a dating service I think? And it just struck me like lightening: The First Dance!

My dad, the marriage therapist, loves the name because dancing is THE metaphor for family systems theory - the conceptual understanding behind marriage and family counseling (which got its origins in the 1950's when treating individuals while ignoring the broader system they're part of - their family, their marriage, their jobs, their school) showed a weakeness in the treatment of the individual.

Nanny 911 or Super Nanny are a good examples of familiy systems theory. If the nanny were to simply show up, "teach the kids how to behave", treating them as the sole problem, then when she left the parents would return to their patterns and behaviors as would the kids. The show is about the FAMILY SYSTEM and how everyone interacts with everyone else. Everyone has to get up, move, change and relate to everyone else in a new way.

So it is with dancing. One could argue the climax of the wedding reception is The First Dance. It's the beginning and the end. It's the final performance of the couple and yet it's the beginning of their marriage dance. Once their dance is over, while everyone else is watching, parents and others join in. The imagery is great especially considering the very people who stress you out are the ones you want watching you dance and dancing with you on this momentous moment of the wedding day.

Marriage is all about the dance of life. How you move, how the other moves, how you work together, what happens when you don't, what happens when you're not moving to the same beat. Marriage is hard work and we love the wedding trend of The First Dance becoming a way for couples to take dance lessons to learn new skills. It's a fabulous date night and is one of those few things that requires both of you in wedding planning.

So here is to all of us -married or engaged, to keep on dancing beyond the first dance.

Ode to wedding coordinators!

2007-12-17T22:33:00.001-06:00

We are members of the oldest, largest wedding planning association in the nation (though they have coordinators across the planet). It's called the Association of Bridal Consultants and there are over 4,000 members.

We are excited about networking with more of them and sharing our wisdom so they can help you, the engaged couple. There are many reasons to hire a wedding coordinator.

Wedding coordinators:
KNOW VENDORS. They know vendors more than even the average bride who might like them. The wedding coordinators know who is reliable, who is reasonable in price and what you can expect. They may also know which vendors work well TOGETHER - an overlooked but very important part of the wedding day!

Wedding Coordinators know the flow. Since almost nobody has planned such a large event, or ever will again, many weddings lack a good flow. This often results in discomfort for the guests and a feeling of confusion in the wedding. How many of you have tried to figure out when they're cutting the cake so you don't miss it but you REALLY HAVE TO USE THE RESTROOM? Or don't know where to go after the ceremony - wait around, leave right away? And when you show up at the reception, what do you do - find a table, wait? Flow is crucial to hospitality.

The devil is in the details. Wedding coordinators are experts at this! They can also tell you which details are not as important as you might think.

"What do others do?" While we don't think everyone should be doing the comparison game it is very useful to know what is normal and what isn't.

A bride should not "work" on her wedding day. The day of is full of amazing details, tons of work, a lot of coordination and the last thing you should have to do is MANAGE ALL THAT!

Unlike popular myth, wedding coordinators are not always expensive and are often going to save you more money than their fees. I also think they can save more sanity than any "money saved" is worth!

Two cheers for wedding coordinators! And another thing - they can be hired for an hourly consultation to go over your flow, they can be hired for the planning part or even just for the day!

What I hate about wedding budget advice

2007-12-15T13:53:00.000-06:00

If you haven't yet seen the advice, it's easy to find. "How to save $1,000 or more on the wedding of your dreams." There are entire budget bride books out there and almost all magazines, each issue, have tips and tricks on how to save money.

In my opinion what most lack are the reason we even NEED to find ways to shore up our budget: everything is so tantilizing and feels so necessary that it feels impossible to actually reduce our wants, needs and desires on The Biggest Day Of Our Lives (or so we're lead to believe.)

I am not putting down weddings as being the biggest day in some peoples lives. We all have different notions of "the perfect day" and by all means the wedding is certaintly worthy of being the number one day. But for some of us it's a great day but not even in our top five great days. The reasons are plentiful - we have different personalities, different life experiences, we're different ages when we marry, and our families are all different. Those of us blessed with wonderful families are more likely to have all positive notions of our wedding compared to those of us with pretty toxic families. Duh, right.

So back to the budget advice. If we're being sold every day, online, in magazines, by vendors and the portfolios of their craft/services, plus we watch TV and see movies - the last thing we want is to do something nobody does - get married on a Wednesday, get married in the morning and avoid the whole food/funthing. It's not even about comparing yourself to others - though there is a component of that in each of us. It's about feeling like you deserve as great a day as anyone else and to take second fiddle just seems ridiculous for this, the one day of your life that is worthy of being as great as anyone elses big day.

What are we then to do? Elegant Bride interviewed us a while ago for an upcoming article on wedding stress and one story I shared was about our decision on where to have our reception. If MONEY were no object and we didn't have to consider our GUESTS - my husband and I are definitely urban and into the ambiance of a place. We would have chosen a swank arts and craft style restaurant with dark wood, amazing lighting, and beatiful decorations. We would have loved every moment of being in that environment and our guests would have memories forever.

But. There is always a but!

Our guests were mostly from out of town, many rural, and even some in town guests (like my oldest friend from elementary school) were very stressed out about driving in the city- let alone downtown. It stressed ME out thinking of them stressed out for 15 months before our wedding date knowing they would be put to the test with panic attacks, fighting in the car with their spouse trying to figure out where to go, and ultimately not REMOTELY feeling comfortable in what they might perceive as as very uptight, snotty environment.

So we ultimately chose the church basement. And while we were OK with that we got bad news - everything had to be cleaned up and locked by 11pm.

Ah!!! Not only were we not getting our swank environment but our night owl couplehood wouldn't even get to experience the full evening with our wedding guests.

But back to why we chose the church in the first place - guests would be extremely comfortable, it would save time in transportation between locations, save guests money not having to pay for parking, and we would have a more relaxed day allaround. (And we'd save a lot of money, too!)

Ultimately then we had a departure of 9:30pm and I'm not just saying this, it was a great time to leave. I had barely slept the night before, up early, lots of activity and people the days prior, wedding started at 5 and we had plenty of time to see everyone and still enjoy decompressing back at our hotel. While we had our friends there we also had a lot of older folks who were so relieved that we had "reception cards" outlining the entire evening. This gave them notice that at 7:30pm we would be cutting the cake. Everyone stayed for that and about half the people left. The rest of the people knew WHEN the end was and 9:30 was a very reasonable time to stay around (verus if we left at midnite we would have had few guests left.) This basically meant we had a wonderful send off with all our loved ones around us and they were able to get a good nites rest and some saw us the next day for the post-wedding brunch.

In my case we made a huge decision to save on the reception *location* which actually gave us room to bring in our own booze, have a live jazz band, great invitations, better photography, etc. We didn't feel like we were having a lesser wedding. In fact we had more for less because of one big decision. And the artwork displayed was gorgeous - guests felt like they were in a museum!

It all comes down to values and WHY you want what you do. Even then what you want and what makes sense can be two very different things. Our perfect day in a downtown restaurant would have been a stressful time for many of our guests - both in getting there, leaving but also not feeling comfortable in that setting. So it worked out that we not only saved on our wedding budget but we were able to use that money for other elements that mattered a lot to us - music, photography and setting a tone that we cared about our guests comfort.

Wedding advice makes me laugh

2007-12-07T19:50:00.000-06:00

I was surfing the web and ran across a list of officiants (we're hoping to get a good list going on our site since many couples don't have a minister to marry them). Just like every other aspect of wedding planning, the expert advice was: officiants are the most important part of your wedding. Have you noticed EVERY wedding vendor has a great ability to say how they have the most important part in your wedding day? I certaintly don't blame them for loving their craft and indeed most of us have the requisit flowers, cake, food, officiant of some kind, etc. It's more about how they spin the argument/sales pitch that makes me chuckle.

The logic starts out something like this:

The average wedding costs [insert a dollar amount from $19,000-$27,000] and [insert vendor category] should be [insert a percentage from 1-40%] of your budget. You will get what you pay for so don't necessarily book the cheapest option. Afterall, if you are spending [huge wedding budget] you certaintly don't want to skimp on [insert vendor category.] Traditional wedding etiquette says you should have [insert details on the category] but many couples are now [insert a much more expensive, but more trendy way of doing things.]

I know from colleagues how challenging it is for wedding magazines because each vendor they work with believes they are the MOST important part of the day and as such need to be heavily pampered with compliments and head nodding. And I know from networking with and from my own wedding planning that each vendor loves what they do and can spin you into an expensive flurry of options that you simply can't resist saying no to! It isn't that they're trying to rip you off. They are just extremely passionate about what they do and their worldview centers around their craft.

Even when you know for sure what you want, or don't want, the pressures are great. Sometimes the pressures are internal - you thought you didn't care about wedding cake and then you see the most gorgeous cake in a magazine ad or on a website and you can't stop thinking about it! Othertimes the pressures are external - your groom is a tech wizard and requires the top photographer and videographer because of their high-end equipment, your mother has raised you with fantasizes about your wedding day that conflict with yours, or the most common that most of us face:

The external pressure of MONEY. Money has an amazing way of forcing us to reassess what is important and necessary. That gorgeous cake turns out to be $2,000 and you had budgeted $500? Where can you scrimp $1500 from your budget? You can't? Hm, is the cake really worth it? You say you'll use your year end bonus to make up the difference. Is that really what you want and what your groom wants? Will you really not regret that decision in a year or two when your furnace breaks down and you're in the hole $1500?

The entire book we wrote, Take Back Your Wedding: Managing the People Stress of Wedding Planning is really about helping you get centered. Centering yourself in what is important to you and why (values, not wishes), grounding yourself with your fiance(e) and how you will work together in this wedding planning process, and what you value around family and your community. Sometimes a seemingly unrelated value smacks you upside the head and answers your dilemma. That cake isn't about cake, it's about comparisons with your friends who are having splashy wedding cake designs. You take a new look at what you're planning, make some small changes to your choices, and voila, you stop obsessing over other peoples wedding plans. You haven't spent an extra $1500 and in fact you're alligning even more with your values than had you just gone with the expensive cake. You can honestly compliment your friends cakes while secretly being at peace with your less expensive but equally tasty one.

To invite kids or not invite kids: the age old question...

2007-12-04T14:26:00.000-06:00

What do you do when your vision of the wedding doesn't include little ones crying, fussying, breaking things and generally throwing fits at your Perfect Day?

The problem can be biggest on either extreme - those who only have a small handful of children (you are young, your friends aren't having babies yet and all the other kids in the family are plenty old not to be stressed out) or those with massive children in the family or among friends. My brother got married this past summer at age 34 so there were lots of kids from their friends (and me!) I joked that he should have gotten married a lot earlier because it was a total pain to fly with a two year old and 3 month old cross country! :-)

I am of several minds about this topic and ultimately there is no flat answer for what you should do. But as a parent now I have a new take on the matter which I will discuss later. These are my quick impressions of the discussions people have on whether to invite children or not. I invite YOU to share your thoughts by registering at www.thefirstdance.com and "talk with us/share your story" where your answers will be stored rather than just sitting in an email. I am one of the few, if only, wedding websites where you can register and have zero concern about getting spammed by anyone! We don't sell, distribute, or in any way do a thing with your information.

Here are the top stressors around kids, in no particular order:

Time of the wedding
Let's be realistic. If most kids are in bed no later than 8:30 (mine go to bed at 7pm) it can be challenging to have an evening wedding where a percentage of your guests will be staying up well past their bedtime. Then again, should you really alter your entire wedding to accomodate little ones who may not even remember they were at your wedding and certaintly wouldn't care if they weren't there?

Money, money, money
While most kids under 5 eat free with most caterers, you are still having to fill seats which are on tables which are decorated, plated, "wedding favored", in a reception space that costs a lot per square foot to rent. If you're nice you may actually provide more goodies just for the kids which cost money. And if money is tight it can be very hard to justify inviting toddlers who don't know they exist over, say, your really good friends from college.

Distruption or attention - detracting
Even the least bridezilla among us certaintly want to be the focus of attention on the big day. There is nothing worse than imaging "You may kiss the bride" being said as baby cousin Charlie screams like a wild hyena! It not only detracts from the moment you're in, the feeling your guests are experiencing in that moment, the video you're capturing of this moment, but it also can be very embarassing for the parents of the kid who will forever remember being "the ones who ruined your day."

Location of the reception
Even if you love kids, some of us get married in really unusual places - along cliffs, in art museums, in small historic mansions. Basically we get married or have wedding receptions in places that are about as unkid friendly as you can get! Again it can be really hard to forgo that perfect spot just because you have a few rugrats who "should" be part of the day.

So before I share my thoughts I invite you to share what your decision process was, or what your current dilemas are around this topic. All answers will be held in confidence and no identifying information will be shared.

$2 Oreo Cookie....

2007-11-15T09:42:00.000-06:00

I was reading a bridal magazine a few weeks ago showing fun items you can buy for your wedding. I almost gasped at the fact that you can buy an Oreo cookie - just ONE, for $2. It's fancy, of course, not just out of the package and it is sold in a pack so they never do break down the price per cookie. But wow. Only in the sub-world of wedding planning (or other event planning) could you get someone to buy one cooke for nearly the price of an entire container!

But, as we say at The First Dance, money is not about money but about values underneath. I am the first to admit that I refuse to pay full price for a 12-pack of Coke, but if I go to a movie, or the Minnesota State Fair, I will (painfully) hand over more money for one Coke than I do for an entire 12-pack in the store. Why? You pay for convinience and you pay to help support the places that entertain you.

So the wedding world is the same. Otherwise rational men and women who clip coupons, avoid high-end items, will easily fork over 10x what they normally would spend for this one day. What I care about is whether you are having the money conversations throughout wedding planning. I don't feel it is as simple as finding your final vendor choice, telling the groom, groom flips out at the cost, you get in a big fight, you "educate him" on how much things cost these days, and he swallows his horror and you go with the vendor. The reason I don't like this typical approach is because it's not just weddings where you will find sticker shock. The more practice you get in navigating money dicussions the more likely you are to avoid fights altogether in the future. Your $2 Oreo cookie favor today becomes your $20 work lunch when you're trying to save for a house becomes your $200 baby crib becomes your $2000 bedroom set becomes your $20,000 car becomes your $200,000 house. And on it goes.

I was at a marriage fair and did a mini version of a "Money game." I was completely shocked at how interesting and different it was! I haven't yet made the time to do the full version with my husband but I will. The link to this card game - it's VERY simple - every card you put in three piles and with real life examples you just put the cards in the pile you want. In the end it helps summarize whether you're a saver, spender, how much money means security to you, and a lot more. I like that it goes beyond the traditional "dumbed-down" quizes in most magazines around money. The link to the website is: http://www.moneyhabitudes.com/

Wedding research and thoughts...

2007-10-20T22:29:00.000-05:00

I just spent an evening first visiting a used book store in search of 'old' wedding books. I found what I was looking for - an old Emily Post Wedding Etiquette book written in 1982 (really the dawning of the weddings of today as contrasted to our parents weddings (unless this was your parents wedding years which makes me feel old!)

The few things in Emily Posts wedding etiquette book that most fascinated me:

Get married no more than 3-4 months after the engagement. The idea of making it fast to not only get "on with your life" but really because you will want to be spending every waking moment with your fiance(e) and yet you'll have a very busy life planning the wedding, having a job, and setting up "house" through all the things you need as a married woman. She even has examples of the bridal trousseau. (I can't believe I actually spelled that right - just had to google it.) This was similar to what is now called the wedding registry checklist - things you need to make a home, from the quantity of bed linens to just the various things you will want to own to make your home complete.

This era, early 80's was the beginning of not having your wedding at home but somewhere like your parents club or a hotel/restaurant. This of course meant things were much more expensive so great care had to be put into thinking this through - as today one has to really think about the budget and what is important to you.

This etiquette book says that wedding etiquette applies no matter the wedding size, but another wedding etiquette book says that size does impact whether you have to really follow the formal wedding etiquette norms or not. Huh. Emily Post's book also says the bride pays for the flowers but acknowledges in some parts of the country the grooms parents pay for the flowers (answers that question - regional wedding etiquette so I haven't encountered the grooms family paying except in a CRAZY story in the papers recently about a bride suing her florist for $400,000 because the flowers weren't the right tone/color. In her case her mother-in-law actually paid for the flowers, at a whopping $27,000.)

So I then head to a great ice cream place and read the latest Minnesota Bride magazine top award winners issue of local Minnesota wedding vendors. I read every article, every ad, and just get enraptured with it all - the feel, the colors, the tone. I had some similar feelings while wedding planning but if I can admit this - I felt more sadness this time. Any particular ad or story was great but just finishing this ONE wedding magazine made me feel lucky that I'm already married. Here's what goes through my head:

How in the world can any of see all these amazing ads and high cost vendors and then turn around and chose a less costly, less beatiful/amazing wedding option without feeling slighted or frustrated?

Why am I having a bit of a reaction to a VERY, VERY new wedding trend of offering guests late night snacks at the end of the reception? At face value, and as someone who needs to eat small meals every few hours, I'd LOVE to be a guest at one of these weddings. Basically couples are now adding an element of food at the end since many of us eat dinner at 6:30, dance for a few hours then are starving by the time we leave a wedding reception. Witht his new trend you can order a bunch of pizzas for your guests, or fast food, or have a taco bar, or really anything-goes, no matter how formal your own wedding was. My cynical side is saying, "is this just another way for caterers to eek out more money from brides?" My inquisitive side says, "have weddings just gotten so darn long anymore that there is an actual need for a 2nd meal?" And the part of me that gets sad things, "wow, the average bride is already spending $27,000 for a wedding, I really don't, as a guest, need her to spend another $300+ to feed me a SECOND meal!"

Lately I think I'm just sad for all the newly (and not so newly) engaged brides who are so overwhelmed with the logistics, and overwhelmed emotionally with the wedding planning, that they don't know what to do but fantasize about eloping. While eloping is a valid option, I think any family reunion and bringing together everyone you love you is a fabulous thing - and to not do that simply because the wedding world seems too hard to manage... it just frustrates me! There is nobody to blame. We're all in the roller coaster together - brides/grooms, wedding vendors, parents, guests.

Premarital counseling and The Marriage Thing

2007-10-05T09:08:00.000-05:00

Hey guys,

I've been busy getting the website up with more information, easier to navigate and with information on the premarital counselors we have available. We're hopefully going to have a big blast to thousands of premarital counselors in a few weeks and will have a lot more listings for you.

There are so many reasons to do premarital counseling. An article is coming soon but two biggies to me:

1 - it's shown to reduce your DIVORCE RATE!
2 - many people who show up in marriage counseling could have actually worked on their problems an adverage of 6-7 years prior and avoided counseling altogether by having the tools they need to listen, communicate and problem solve. Small things fester, build and eventually the negativity towards the spouse outweighs the positive and you're stuck. Add our intense consumer culture that makes us feel like we can get, deserve, and should have "only the best" of everything in life - including a new spouse if we're "tired" of the old one.
3 - if you feel you have great communication (like my husband and I did), it's still a useful thing to talk about things that might not have occured to you and to get some validation for the path you're on in your relationship. It's NEVER a bad idea, in other words.

Have any of you experienced what I did while engaged? The negative talk about marriage, the "entrapment" talk, the "ol' ball and chain" remarks? It is so hard to be at the height of your happiness with someone, excited to spend the rest of your life with them and all you see are the negative remarks in the media and with friends.

The realty, let me assure you, is that marriage can be an amazing thing. Those of us in wonderful marriages don't talk about it because we are either too private, not smarmy people who dribble on about this sort of thing, or nobody asks. I just sit in amazement at the nasty comments friends make about their spouses and think, "wow, I wouldn't want to be married to that person!" "That person" either being my friend who is capable of being so disloyal to her husband, or to the spouse for the way my friend describes him...probably with great inaccuracy and not mentioning her role in the argument.

One of my very favorite questions to ask a newlywed is "how is married life going?" No matter if they were living together for years or began their daily lives together after the wedding, almost everyone is shocked at how different it feels emotionally. Different in a GOOD way.

For those of you in Colorado or Minnesota planning your wedding, I am now a blog moderator for http:www.go2wed.com which is a wedding planning guide filled with tons of useful information including beatiful, free wedding websites, planning guides and even discount cards for great wedding vendor deals.

And I just have to laugh - when we launched our website/program a year ago I told all sorts of journalists how easy my wedding planning was. I guess I had amnesia because there were SO many small and big problems that I just forgot about until delving back into wedding vendor experiences, family things (which I can't really write about for interpersonal boundary reasons) and all the things my husband and I had to navigate without any guidance in the wedding world.

-Elizabeth

Reading an etiquette book

2007-09-01T00:34:00.000-05:00

I bought an etiquette book to help people with First Dance etiquette (a common way people find the website.) I am now reading the whole book and it is fascinating. A few things I've been interested to learn in the first couple chapters:

1 - etiquette is "required" for formal or ultraformal weddings but only desirable for "lower" weddings

2 - you are supposed to register ASAP after getting engaged, for the engagement party (which should also be ASAP) and other gift giving opportunities

3 - the grooms family pays for the bridal bouquet and other flowers. I had read this in my own wedding planning but have yet to hear of anyone actually doing this. It fascinates me because the whole "money" topic is touchy to begin with, how would a bride approach the grooms family about paying for a fancy bouquet?

4 - a big "ah-ha" moment was this author believes that etiquette RESOLVES all "people stress". Yes, etiquette is meant to smooth over social uncertainty but in today's weddings I think it can cause MORE stress when nobody is on the same etiquette page.

5 - according to this book 40% of couples pay their own entire wedding. I've read a lot on this subject and never seen 40%. I've seen a lot of 20-27% range. Considering the average age for college graduates is I believe 28/30 for women/men, I'm not sure if a full 40% can afford their entire wedding - especially going to grad school means you may be done with school only a short time before the wedding. And with the average wedding in the 20something thousand range, there must be a lot of debt incurred by the 20-40% of couples who pay the entire thing themselves.

I'll share more as I learn more!

-Elizabeth

www.TheFirstDance.com

top 25 Modern Bride Trendsetter

So busy with exciting updates!

2007-08-22T19:31:00.000-05:00

I am so busy behind the scenes preparing for even more relevant articles and a "top Q&A" section where I'll take the most common issues and share the common answers you find in wedding books, wedding magazines, and wedding websites. Then we will share The First Dance perspective.

The beauty of our perspective is that we speak in what one couple called, "uncommonly common sense." Once you hear what we have to say it makes complete sense! And once you learn the patterns, you become your OWN expert. We aren't claiming to know everything and solve everything - that's your job. We are here, however, to help ground you in what is going on at the 100 foot level and help you see where you might want to change course.

I have to say creating The First Dance program and book has been fascinating. I can not look at any wedding related stress question the same. Our principles are just so grounded in how the world works and how problems arise. Our message is one of prevention, perspective and pattern changing when things have gone awry. I often want to shout at people who answer questions without seeing the REAL problem.

A quick example - "My friend is getting married a year after me and we both fell in love with the same dress. She just bought it and told me that I have to find a new one. I really want the dress and am getting married before her. How do I deal with this situation?"

Typical responses involve trying to find a similar dress in a different style, trying to convince her that you won't have the same guests so it's OK to be in the same dress, and of course no matter what you say, be careful how you communicate with her.

The First Dance response: The friends demand is the problem here, not the dress. It's called overstepping boundaries and that is where you have to communicate with her. The dress isn't the issue. The fact that she made a demand of you on something that she has no real control over is the troubling part of this. Watch http://www.TheFirstDance.com for the rest of our perspective on this situation -- coming soon.

In honor of Jenna Bush

2007-08-17T00:17:00.000-05:00

We bring our family clans together for our weddings - for better or worse. Imagine bringing those clans together under intense media scrutiny. Yes, our Presidents daughter, Jenna, is engaged, making front page cnn news!

If you were the presidents daughter would you wait until after his presidency was over, even if it meant delaying your wedding? Email us at: Blog@thefirstdance.com and tell us whether you have had to consider delaying or speeding up your wedding date for some important reason.

In honor of presidential weddings - whether you love or despise President Bush, you can get a wedding greeting from the White House. I think it is fun for posterity and have done it for my wedding and babies. https://app1.whitehouse.gov/greetings/wedding

How to Be an Expert In Everything

2007-08-13T22:55:00.000-05:00

I'm reading through wedding magazines tonight (as an aside my heart skipped a beat when I saw a familiar swag bag on page 190 of Modern Bride this month -it was our swag bag from the Trendsetter award - valued at $856!!). The pressures couples face compared to our parents generation is amazing. Just a sampling of the subcategories with which you could easily buy a book, spend hours researching, and thousands of dollars to partake in:

Bodily issues:

teeth whitening
brow tinting or shaping
hair... hair dos on the wedding, growing out your hair for the big day
get contacts to avoid glasses on the big day (GUILTY of that one myself!)
excersize to get tones. There are actual bridal-based workout programs to tone areas of your body like your arms, to show off in your bridal dress.
nails, hands, feet
makeup
perfume style
accessories

Floral - everything from type, scents, how you want them at the reception, at the ceremony, in your bouquet

Video and camera - wow, just an unreal number of choices, styles, packages to chose from

Bakery - the wedding cake, flavors, styles, frostings, colors

Paper - save the dates, stationary for thank yous, invitations - style, paper quality, font (you can now buy wedding font programs at the book store), programs, reception menu cards, table numbers, bridal shower invites

Favors - every type, size, style, cost, the sky is the limit in options

Music - style, type, length, dj or live, ceremony, meaning, type of instruments, when and where to play

Food - styles, flavors, how to serve, when to serve, what format (sit down /buffet)

Lighting is a new category and you can hire professionals

If you love event planning this is certaintly the be-all-end-all of events to plan in your life. But, if you are an average person, never in your entire life will you have such an event to plan logistically.... never will you have to come up with so many opinions and decisions around one day.

Then in EACH category with hundreds of decisions add in the opinions, impressions, attitudes, assumptions and emotions of EVERYONE IN YOUR LIFE.

I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it! I will share more about my own wedding as it relates to the above in a future blog.

We have a unique perspective here at The First Dance and I'm gathering my thoughts on how to incorporate articles, this blog, and a new blog that I'm moderating. I'll share the link within the week as it's a complete relaunch of a website.

Wedding stress advice

2007-08-05T22:50:00.000-05:00

Vents about fiances, in laws, friends, anger over divorced parents making your life miserable, trying to please everyone and making nobody happy. There is endless fodder for discussion on this blog so please stick around.

I'm busy working on updating The First Dance to include a lot more useful resources, links, and advice beyond just our DVD and book, Take Back Your Wedding. Please Talk with us on http://www.thefirstdance.com/ to ask your questions, share your dilemas and ask what else you want to see.